All In My Head - Not theirs

So I am amused about how much of this is all in my head. I remember a Twilight Zone episode, where there basically was this guy who believed he was the last person on earth. Everybody is gone, nobody there to talk to. Then he hears a phone ring in a house, and realizes maybe he is not the last person after all. If I recall, he eventually gets to one of these ringing phones, seems the person calling was dialing randomly or something. And it is a woman, and of course then there is this Adam and Eve kind of thing going after that.

If memory serves the character was amused by the freedom he had to do anything as there was nobody around to say no, or you need to pay for that or, hey you need to stop that because whatever. And of course after a bit he was lonely too. Which seems natural.

But that scenario gives me pause. What if I was the last person on earth? Would I still feel the need to be female? Would I take the time to express myself as a woman, clothes, makeup and the like? Gut check says yes. Never mind the obvious that there would be nobody left who could actually make me female (I have presumed the surgeons are gone too). I mean I could be FT immediately, there would be nobody who would care. But the head check asks, how much of this is how others perceive me? And it gives me pause.

Mind you just pause. The kind that is long enough to reflect, on why I feel this need. I have touched on this in my "Desire" post. And even if all of the people were gone, my desire would be the same. What taking away the people does is remove all inhibitions to do this now. And so the part that seems to be in my head, and maybe not theirs, is me worrying about all of it. The usual litany, do I look ok, am I passing, do they know, do they care, did she clock me, is my bra strap showing, are they going to stone me to death. These are all concerns about what others are thinking. Not about how I feel about me. And my preoccupation with all of those things bugs me.

My friend Mara has a book coming out soon, or so she tells me. This book is good, I have read an advance copy. The main subject of this book is exploring those things that hold us back. The fear of losing something in transition, or the fear of thinking we are going to lose something in transition. I am not going to deny these fears are real, and in some cases justified. In my case I have three obstacles to resolve before I can transition, first is my children, second is my professional situation, and last is my marriage. Of course they are all intertwined.

In my case one of my sons is not so well adjusted, he has as they say, "issues". He sees a shrink, is on prozac and other meds. He basically is a mess. This despite my wife and I working on him for years. Nature seems to win over nurture here. Adding a "trans parent" (ok there is a pun in there I just realized), to his world probably does cause problems. I am not a professional here so I am going to have to defer to others. What will he think when he is 19 and I finally tell him? Let alone actually change. I have no idea, but I will have at least done my "duty" by waiting. Will it harm him, I don't know, will him having dealt with an unhappy me harm him more or less? Don't know that either.

My wife seems to have accepted me, now not in the sense that we are best girlfriends and go shopping for dresses together (I confess, she has taken me shopping at least once). But more as, I am this way, and it is not going to change or get better. She has agreed to be my friend, and this seems to be the case at the moment. Her primary focus is, not having the kids see it. And so it is intermixed with my kids again. So much so that she is offering to me that I start looking for my own place for now, to go and be me when I feel the need. As long as it is away from the kids. I do not know if this is her wanting me to be free to do what I need to do or the Mother protecting her young from the evil trans daddy. Regardless, it probably serves my purpose to persue it. And see where it goes. And if I do this right, I might have the chance to be me when I need and still keep my current world, with only the pain of having to switch back and forth as circumstances demand. Of course this will get harder as time goes on.

Last of course for me is work, and while I will not go into the details, that is not as simple as going in an telling the boss, unless of course you count talking to yourself. You see I am the boss. And in my case, coming out, means telling employees, and customers. And I suspect I will lose some of those customers when that happens. I am working on building out my team so that when it does happen perhaps they can be the face of the firm for me. But that is a maybe, as a lot of my business comes from personal relationships I have built over years of service.

So obviously I am concerned about what others think in this situation. Should it matter, no. Will I be the same competent person (mind you I am good at what I do, much better than the average bear), yes I will still be good, and smart at what I do. But in this case, I do not know if that is good enough. And if it is not, then I might end up having to not be the boss, and end up taking a lesser job someplace else, and possibly be blacklisted in a way, trust me once you have been the CEO, it is hard to get a job as a programmer.

But to tell you the truth, I am tired of working. I want to tend my garden instead, make furniture, travel, make friends, eat food in new places, see things I have never seen before. And I want to do all of those as who I am, a woman. So for now, I need to get my company ready for me going, and that means getting ready to sell it. And of course, that very much means I am dependent on what others think about me.

So how much of this is in my head, well probably most of it. And some of it is in other's heads and how they react to me. And I guess the threshold to cross is when is it ok not to care what they think, or moreover, I stop being worried about it. I suspect I will always care, it is part of being a woman for me. What I want is for them to not care about what gender I am and only care about me, who I am, what I know how to do, and how I do it. And if they could be happy for me, that would be a plus, but I know I cannot expect that, and when I do find it, take it as a gift, even if it has strings on it.

So is it in my head, yes, most of it, but unfortunatly, not all.