Making Noise

So some of my friends were giving me some grief this past Saturday night at our support group after dinner. You see the next day was the big march in Washington, DC. The National March for Equality which would apply itself to the nation's lawn, the National Mall and environs.

She was posing questions to the members of my support group. "Will you be there?", "Why not?", "What could be more important?". She will read this so I will qualify anything I say here further. We are good friends, and good friends can agree to disagree and be civil about it. And we are, civil that is. I told her I had a different opinion of the march, and frankly of a lot of those sorts of things in general. In my opinion, they are ineffective.

So here is my take. Marches are common now, too common. I think next week the Society Opposed to Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwiches (SOPBJS) will march on the nation's capitol to make a point of some kind. Something about legume rights... If they are lucky a few reporters might show up and say something or do something to report on it. Maybe. Maybe not.

In the 60's marches made a difference. Why? Because they were unique. Groups of people taking to the streets have existed for centuries. Usually with violent outcomes. The 60s marches of Dr. King, war protesters and other rights advocates were effective because they were either non violent, at least on the part of the protesters, or those opposed to them used violence against them. Think Bull Connor and firehoses, or Kent State. This made an impression because at the time they were news.

Today's march, will be a footnote. By next week a memory. In a month, forgotten. I know all of my marching friends will say, that is not so. (I am probably making enemies at this point as they read on...)

I have another friend who was at the march, she has blogged on it. From her perspective, and she used to be in the public relations business, the march should generate some news, and as she called it, free press. I think her sentiments were well placed, however not quite right. Shortly after noon today another friend, who is pretty prominent in our community posted this to facebook. "Finally marching! LOTS of people, not much media." I wanted to post back, "And you expected what?"

A quick check of the media reports on the event describe it as "Tens of thousands of gay rights activists marched past the White House to the Capitol yesterday, demanding the right to marry and serve openly in the U.S. Military". Good thing those Transfolk attended (Remember it is LGB + t), Good thing the inclusive ENDA was on the radar out there. Please no cards and letters, I think anybody should be able to marry anybody they want. And have the freedom to enjoy the court system for the future divorce if applicable.

I went to CNN, an arguably "lefter" network than the others, and looked at the homepage, top stories. The photo I see, I guy with a clown nose, in a spacehelmet. This is the top news. I scroll down, Naked burglar caught on surveillance Video, TV shows that lasted one episode, scroll down more, see a few references to Obama speaking to the HRC (that is a good thing), then A dog helps children read, and there at the very bottom of the list Thousands march for gay rights...

Wow already a footnote, only hours old...

Please do not take this as crepe hanging. You see it is just that the march thing, is so 20th Century. It is something we do autonomically because we think it has impact because it is in our memory that it does. We remember Dr. King and his speeches, and other advocates. But marches do not do much for your elected officials. Nope they generally care about two things, money and happy registered voters in their districts.

The march also disrupts folks in the local area because people cannot get to work, or shopping, or just plain home. And I can tell you, pissing off somebody is not the way to get them to be sympathetic to your cause. I am not sure we think about that in that context, but as a person that has lived in the DC area for the past 20 years I have personally cursed visits from presidents, domestic and foreign, as well as many other dignitaries. Hell even the Cherry Blossoms are reason NOT to go downtown in the spring.

That all said, it is indeed a "feel good" event. I made the same comments to some who were at various "pride" events. I was unsure of the purpose of the events. I suppose it is to let others know we are there. But I will go back to my previous comment about such things being so very 20th century. I have more power in my keyboard than the whole march. Yep, right here. Why? Because it can be the genesis of ideas. And with those electrons streaming out, I can build communities, dialogs, debates and the free interchange of ideas and opinions.

How many people had their opinion of LGBT folks changed by the march? Few I suspect. How many would have them changed by a personal conversation with an LGBT person. What if that person was a loved one. This is the path. I know many are not going to agree with me. Let's look clinically.

I will assume for a moment that you actually live within driving distance of DC. And you have decided to go to the march. And that you will take the metro in or have to park in DC. So my guess is you might all average $10 each to get down there. Lets say for sake of argument that there really were 300,000 people there as posted by some (Check that, the Washington Post says tens of thousands actually but ok). And lets say that the average schmoo will spend 6 hours this day participating. That is $3,000,000 (three million folks), and 1,800,000 personhours.

Now maybe that headcount is wrong, we will probably know if a few days. But I am pretty sure that if $3M popped in to various lobby and support organizations they would take note, and apply it to doing good on our behalf. And then lets say that each of those 300,000 took part of that 6 hours to write their congressman, or senator, or local legislator a letter. Asking them for consideration. Only 1.8 million cards and letters, and I figure in 6 hours you could probably write or email all of those people, so it is more like 10 million. How about we do that with our time and money.

So to those of you who went down there, I am happy you did, I hope you feel inspired and energized. Me I am going to break out my checkbook, and my editor and do something that might really make a difference. [Thump, sound of getting off the stump]. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.

In Between

Yesterday I met a friend for coffee, she her usual self, the epitome of cuteness (hopefully that was what she was going for). Me, in drab. She comments on seeing me that way, "Wow I almost did not recognize you". I am trying to figure out if that is a complement or not. On one hand, she has not seen my drabself since late in 2008. So it could just be that she forgot. On the other hand it could be that she has grown so accustomed to my femself that it was kind of a shock to see me otherwise.

All of which led me to consider something about me. "He" looks different than "her". And I guess by estimations of most folks she looks ok. So that is a double edged sword so it seems. For one, it probably means she can go almost anyplace and nobody is going to make her as him. This sounds like a good thing, as I am still leery of those who know only him seeing her without some preamble. Have I lost you yet? On the total other side of that coin (watch it flip), I am one person and it bugs me that when I am drab or femme people see two different persons. Which poses the question, when do I become just plain old me?

Many days I work from home. On other days, transdays as I call them, I have things to do that are transition related. Electro, Laser, Voice, The Shrink, Support Group etc etc. Those days, or parts of those days, I am my femself. I have just started getting up in the morning and have a "pink" day from that point on. There are other days where I have to go and be him. Work, meetings, social functions, volunteer work, etc. And so I get up as him on those days. It seems simple right? Wrong.

Take today for example, I have might to go to a meeting this morning (him), voice at 1PM (her), and then drop my son off at school at 6PM and pick him up later at 8PM (him, although I have done it as her at least once). So as I am lying in bed in the morning post alarmclock haze I ask myself the question. Who you gonna be today honey? My heart says her, and put off the meeting. My head says meeting helps put food on the table. I debate this for several minutes, and then go with "him".

Of course now I am confused about what to wear. It subsides of course. But I will need to cut my meeting short, so that I have time to go home and become her. That of course takes some time. Then go to voice. Then come home and undo it all. So something that would have taken a normal woman an hour to deal with in her day, will take me three. And that is nuts. Whereas if I just got up, was my femself, and went with it. I could just go to my meeting (assuming I still have that job) and then to the appointment. Like a normal person.

Usually I have a clear cut idea, today is a girl day, today is not a girl day. But as of late, I find myself with days where I could go either way. And I am manipulating my work and my life to allow it to fall to the girl side more and more often. At least it seems that way. It sure would be nice to just let it fall all the way.

So with each advancing day I seem to be stuck at that place in the woods where you need to choose who you are, at least for that day. And I will be frank, I am getting tired of finding myself at the same place in the woods, day after day. I would rather just walk on one path.

The Grass Is Always Greener

I started to call this post "Amnesia". You know that magic ability to forget something, usually painful, or unpleasant from your past. I have often said that women with multiple child births behind them suffer from this. If you did it once, I am not sure how you would manage to do it twice, let alone three or four times. I have postulated that the body makes some "chemical" in women who have just given birth. I makes them forget the bad bits and remember the good ones. I will never know of this for certain of course, and naturally I am a little jealous of the rest of my natal sisters. Thus is my lot. On the other hand, I have seen this first hand. Can I say this -- Oooowwwwwww!

But that amnesiatic drug must also exist in some form in transwomen, it might in transmen too I have not talked to one about it yet. It seems, and maybe it is just me, that my friends who are over the fence, be it full time, or post-op, are somewhat impatient with me and my proclivities and progress. Many have posed, "What are you waiting for". And "You should be full time now." And this from a dear friend, "Sharon, you have already transitioned, you are just trying to figure out how to make it full time". One friend tells me, call up Dr. XXX, make the appointment for your face, and then just do it, let the rest of the world catch up. Wow! Now I know that it is not that simple, but she sure makes it sound so.

A few girls in my local support group have been monitoring my progress with all of this, they have been wagering on when I will crack, and just make the leap. I get questions like, have you come out to ___________? (fill in the blank, co-workers, relatives, business partners, customers). The reality is if I was not in a legal battle I likely would not have come out to anybody other than my friends in the community, and medical professionals. But this court case necessitates disclosure so that anybody I put forward in my favor not get hit by the "Trans Truck" driven by my wife's (ex-wife's?) lawyers. I could never do that to that to a friend or family member.

My lawyer is trans, she kind of has a matter of fact attitude on it, I listed a friend as a witness, but indicated we had not yet had "the chat". She said, do it, now. That must seem so easy, standing on the other side of the fence. Maybe it is. Maybe I am the only one wrapped up in angst, about who knows, why, what their reaction is, what the impact is. But on the other hand, I know many, many, many girls who's stories are horrifying.

I met a friend recently who is a physician. She announced her transition at work, where she was a highly respected practitioner. A few days before FFS her, up to this point supporting employer, got a threatening letter from her ex-spouse. The letter threatened that "they" were upset and might take their wrath out on the clinic. My friend was dismissed from a job she loved, where she was doing good work. She got fired not for being Trans, but because somebody else got scared about what a few throwbacks might do to the business. That is real. There are nutjobs out there. And me being a business person, I might find myself in the same conundrum if on the management side of the coin. So please my friends, lets all not be so casual about full disclosure.

I almost feel like I am being "rushed" by a fraternity (er sorority rather). When I hit college, I went around to the Greek houses, it was the thing to do in those days. They kind of look you over and decide if you would "fit" into their house. If you were lucky, there were 2-3 houses that would then court you. Free beer, food etc. My current house (TKD - Tappa Kegga Dae) that I have been visiting, they apparently like what they see in me. And want me in the club as soon as I can get there. I think they want me to be the Secretary or Treasurer or something. One person told me I should be a spokesperson, I guess the "Otter" of the house, apparently I "give" good presentation (I will admit, "he" is good at that). I am flattered, but ask me again next fall.

But there seems to be an air of lack of memory on the part of these transwomen I know. Like they have forgotten their own transition pain. Like they do not recall that abject terror of discovery. The panic of the first time out in heels. The angst of being called him, or getting a "sir" even though you are obviously trying not to be. The look on the face of your friends or kids, or parents when you tell them about your trueself.

Most of you came out when you had a date or event of some kind. "I will be full time as of [fill in date]". Or "I am having surgery on [date]". Or whatever. I don't have that, what I have is, this is how I am, this is what I am doing, this is how strongly I feel about it. And that is it. There is no closure event. And so I am in a limbo state that lets them keep watching me for signs.

Now I am not complaining here (hey stop snickering!). I am just saying. Those of you on the other side. I am coming, but I am going to do it my own damn way. At my own damn pace. There, I said it, take that. Now please do not go away just because I told you that. I do need all of you, you have walked the road. I still have a long way to go. And I am sure looking back, for many of you, you have found that most of your fears were unfounded. That people are better than you thought. That this is not as big a deal as some of us think it is. But that is all hindsight. And I do not have the benefit of your hindsight, I need to make my own.

Here is perspective, I have been at this for about 9 months. I started some chemistry 7 months ago. Stepped that up to the big "E" 3 months ago. By any perspective, I am a newbie. Maybe I am the freshman who looks like a Heisman candidate. That is great. Let me finish my first season and then lets talk about going to the NFL.

So as much as you might not like it, I will get there on my terms. I like the look of the grass, I do not mind coming over and playing on your grass now and then. I am researching how to make my lawn look like yours. Someday it will be the same, and I will move the fence over one more lot and peer at the next girl who wants to come over. I am hopeful though, that I remember, just what this was like, and only offer her encouragement, and comfort. Not impatience.