The Grass Is Always Greener

I started to call this post "Amnesia". You know that magic ability to forget something, usually painful, or unpleasant from your past. I have often said that women with multiple child births behind them suffer from this. If you did it once, I am not sure how you would manage to do it twice, let alone three or four times. I have postulated that the body makes some "chemical" in women who have just given birth. I makes them forget the bad bits and remember the good ones. I will never know of this for certain of course, and naturally I am a little jealous of the rest of my natal sisters. Thus is my lot. On the other hand, I have seen this first hand. Can I say this -- Oooowwwwwww!

But that amnesiatic drug must also exist in some form in transwomen, it might in transmen too I have not talked to one about it yet. It seems, and maybe it is just me, that my friends who are over the fence, be it full time, or post-op, are somewhat impatient with me and my proclivities and progress. Many have posed, "What are you waiting for". And "You should be full time now." And this from a dear friend, "Sharon, you have already transitioned, you are just trying to figure out how to make it full time". One friend tells me, call up Dr. XXX, make the appointment for your face, and then just do it, let the rest of the world catch up. Wow! Now I know that it is not that simple, but she sure makes it sound so.

A few girls in my local support group have been monitoring my progress with all of this, they have been wagering on when I will crack, and just make the leap. I get questions like, have you come out to ___________? (fill in the blank, co-workers, relatives, business partners, customers). The reality is if I was not in a legal battle I likely would not have come out to anybody other than my friends in the community, and medical professionals. But this court case necessitates disclosure so that anybody I put forward in my favor not get hit by the "Trans Truck" driven by my wife's (ex-wife's?) lawyers. I could never do that to that to a friend or family member.

My lawyer is trans, she kind of has a matter of fact attitude on it, I listed a friend as a witness, but indicated we had not yet had "the chat". She said, do it, now. That must seem so easy, standing on the other side of the fence. Maybe it is. Maybe I am the only one wrapped up in angst, about who knows, why, what their reaction is, what the impact is. But on the other hand, I know many, many, many girls who's stories are horrifying.

I met a friend recently who is a physician. She announced her transition at work, where she was a highly respected practitioner. A few days before FFS her, up to this point supporting employer, got a threatening letter from her ex-spouse. The letter threatened that "they" were upset and might take their wrath out on the clinic. My friend was dismissed from a job she loved, where she was doing good work. She got fired not for being Trans, but because somebody else got scared about what a few throwbacks might do to the business. That is real. There are nutjobs out there. And me being a business person, I might find myself in the same conundrum if on the management side of the coin. So please my friends, lets all not be so casual about full disclosure.

I almost feel like I am being "rushed" by a fraternity (er sorority rather). When I hit college, I went around to the Greek houses, it was the thing to do in those days. They kind of look you over and decide if you would "fit" into their house. If you were lucky, there were 2-3 houses that would then court you. Free beer, food etc. My current house (TKD - Tappa Kegga Dae) that I have been visiting, they apparently like what they see in me. And want me in the club as soon as I can get there. I think they want me to be the Secretary or Treasurer or something. One person told me I should be a spokesperson, I guess the "Otter" of the house, apparently I "give" good presentation (I will admit, "he" is good at that). I am flattered, but ask me again next fall.

But there seems to be an air of lack of memory on the part of these transwomen I know. Like they have forgotten their own transition pain. Like they do not recall that abject terror of discovery. The panic of the first time out in heels. The angst of being called him, or getting a "sir" even though you are obviously trying not to be. The look on the face of your friends or kids, or parents when you tell them about your trueself.

Most of you came out when you had a date or event of some kind. "I will be full time as of [fill in date]". Or "I am having surgery on [date]". Or whatever. I don't have that, what I have is, this is how I am, this is what I am doing, this is how strongly I feel about it. And that is it. There is no closure event. And so I am in a limbo state that lets them keep watching me for signs.

Now I am not complaining here (hey stop snickering!). I am just saying. Those of you on the other side. I am coming, but I am going to do it my own damn way. At my own damn pace. There, I said it, take that. Now please do not go away just because I told you that. I do need all of you, you have walked the road. I still have a long way to go. And I am sure looking back, for many of you, you have found that most of your fears were unfounded. That people are better than you thought. That this is not as big a deal as some of us think it is. But that is all hindsight. And I do not have the benefit of your hindsight, I need to make my own.

Here is perspective, I have been at this for about 9 months. I started some chemistry 7 months ago. Stepped that up to the big "E" 3 months ago. By any perspective, I am a newbie. Maybe I am the freshman who looks like a Heisman candidate. That is great. Let me finish my first season and then lets talk about going to the NFL.

So as much as you might not like it, I will get there on my terms. I like the look of the grass, I do not mind coming over and playing on your grass now and then. I am researching how to make my lawn look like yours. Someday it will be the same, and I will move the fence over one more lot and peer at the next girl who wants to come over. I am hopeful though, that I remember, just what this was like, and only offer her encouragement, and comfort. Not impatience.