Yesterday I met a friend for coffee, she her usual self, the epitome of cuteness (hopefully that was what she was going for). Me, in drab. She comments on seeing me that way, "Wow I almost did not recognize you". I am trying to figure out if that is a complement or not. On one hand, she has not seen my drabself since late in 2008. So it could just be that she forgot. On the other hand it could be that she has grown so accustomed to my femself that it was kind of a shock to see me otherwise.
All of which led me to consider something about me. "He" looks different than "her". And I guess by estimations of most folks she looks ok. So that is a double edged sword so it seems. For one, it probably means she can go almost anyplace and nobody is going to make her as him. This sounds like a good thing, as I am still leery of those who know only him seeing her without some preamble. Have I lost you yet? On the total other side of that coin (watch it flip), I am one person and it bugs me that when I am drab or femme people see two different persons. Which poses the question, when do I become just plain old me?
Many days I work from home. On other days, transdays as I call them, I have things to do that are transition related. Electro, Laser, Voice, The Shrink, Support Group etc etc. Those days, or parts of those days, I am my femself. I have just started getting up in the morning and have a "pink" day from that point on. There are other days where I have to go and be him. Work, meetings, social functions, volunteer work, etc. And so I get up as him on those days. It seems simple right? Wrong.
Take today for example, I have might to go to a meeting this morning (him), voice at 1PM (her), and then drop my son off at school at 6PM and pick him up later at 8PM (him, although I have done it as her at least once). So as I am lying in bed in the morning post alarmclock haze I ask myself the question. Who you gonna be today honey? My heart says her, and put off the meeting. My head says meeting helps put food on the table. I debate this for several minutes, and then go with "him".
Of course now I am confused about what to wear. It subsides of course. But I will need to cut my meeting short, so that I have time to go home and become her. That of course takes some time. Then go to voice. Then come home and undo it all. So something that would have taken a normal woman an hour to deal with in her day, will take me three. And that is nuts. Whereas if I just got up, was my femself, and went with it. I could just go to my meeting (assuming I still have that job) and then to the appointment. Like a normal person.
Usually I have a clear cut idea, today is a girl day, today is not a girl day. But as of late, I find myself with days where I could go either way. And I am manipulating my work and my life to allow it to fall to the girl side more and more often. At least it seems that way. It sure would be nice to just let it fall all the way.
So with each advancing day I seem to be stuck at that place in the woods where you need to choose who you are, at least for that day. And I will be frank, I am getting tired of finding myself at the same place in the woods, day after day. I would rather just walk on one path.
That constant jumping back and forth, can be a real source of stress for transsexuals. You have my sympathy, because it used to drive me crazy. Before I retired, I could only be me, for a few hours in the evenings, and for maybe a day and half on the weekends. I hated it, because you just can't just jump back and forth like that willy-nilly, and maintain a secure feminine sense of self. I like feeling like a girl, not like an uptight man in drag, and it sometimes takes day or two in female mode, to decompress and recapture my sense of being a girl. Now that I no longer have to work, I live as me most of the time, reverting back to him, only when absolutely necessary, usually only about six or seven hours, one day a week. Still, that entire day feels like a total loss to me, because I get up knowing that I will have to revert back to being male that day, and even after by male business is taken care of, and I'm back at home in girl mode by that evening, it often won't be until the next morning, that I have totally recaptured my sense of femininity.
ReplyDeleteMelissa XX
Synchronicity!
ReplyDeleteSwitching back and forth surely bites, but I'll bet it's better than being him 24/7, huh?
Gonna have to agree with that Leslie. Now that I know I can be her, and function in the world, I at least have a reason to get up the next day.
ReplyDeleteThat sounds morbid, it is not what I mean of course. It is like when you have a job you really like. You cannot wait to get there.
S.
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