The Plunge

So I recently mentioned my upcoming 10 days as "me".  Of course I am excited, curious, and have jitters.  The jitters are not being scared as much as they are about making sure things go well.  I think I am over being scared about being me in public.  It happened  one day last month.  I was on my way to see my therapist.  

My therapist is great.  She is more of a catalyst person than a therapist.  For one, she is a GID expert, so she gets it.  I do not have to explain about me, unless of course I feel the need to.  I told her I wanted to start coming to see her as the real me.  She said great! And so this was the second time for that to happen.  I decided that when I go to the effort to do that I will make a day of it and try and have dinner with a friend after.  This is good because it usually means there is myself, and a friend, and sometimes a third (a partner, or whatever).   There is kind of this exponential clocking factor that happens when girls like us collect in one place.  Me=X  Me and somebody else who is trans=X^2,  Three of us and X^3.   You get the idea.  I think the public factor (unless everybody is FT and looks really good) is about X^2.5 or so depending on the venue.

So that means I get a nice evening with a friend and our X-Factor is pretty low.  In fact sometimes I think it does not register at all, of course that probably depends on your presentation (clothes, makeup, hair, manner, body language and voice).  Yes they all matter. Botch one and you will stick out.  I am told I am doing ok there.  Time will tell.  Anyhow...

So I am driving to see the therapist in a fun pair of capris, a nice tank and this wonderful salmon colored jacket.  Yeah, most of those things you can pick out from my pix.  As I am driving I am getting worried.  My therapist's office is in this building that is part mall, part offices, kind of an outdoor mall thing at that.  And I get to thinking, what if I am clocked.  And then I change my brain...

I think of a time, say oh, five years from now.  Assume I am FT.  What is physically different then compared to this very moment?   So I went head to toe.  Ok so the hair will be my real hair, but my wig is pretty good, it is not a cheap one.  My ears will be pierced, but that just means different earrings than the ones I am wearing right now.  My face might be different.  But probably not wholesale, I am thinking mostly soft tissue work.  My beard is mostly gone now.  I have some light stragglers but the are gone with a razor, later I will get the needle for them.

I will still be 6ft tall, I will still have broad (perhaps a little less so) shoulders, my hands will still be big, so will my feet.  My boobs will hopefully be real by then and about the size of my forms today, which I think are proportioned correctly for my frame (They come out someplace between a B and a C).  But to the outside world, they are going to look pretty much the same.  Nobody sees your crotch (I know you were all thinking it so I said it).  The hormones will soften me a bit but I am pretty much going to be me.  And that is the rub.

So five years from now, what is really different than right now?  Not much, to an outside observer.  So, why not just be me now.  And that is when it all aligned for me.  I am me now.  Sure I am not FT and yes there are improvements to make but 90% of me is me right now.  So if I am to live my life as a woman, might as well start with the 90% I am right now.  The last 10% will come from a bottle or a scalpel.  And yes it will help, but it is not the thing that will make me me. 

So I walked into the mall with my purse on my shoulder.  And I looked each person in the eye that I passed and smiled (I smile way more as Sharon).  And got nice good afternoons and hellos etc.  And went to my session.  And that was my catalyst day.

And so now that I am going to be me for 10 days I know I can do it.  So fear is no longer a component.  I write about all of this for those friends I know who are afraid to go and be themselves.  Sometimes you just have to go do it.  Sometimes you just take the plunge and then find you really do know how to swim already.

My next post will be from Chicago or environs... 

Presentation

So no, this is not about using powerpoint.  No lecture about how much material should or should not be on a chart.  What fonts are ok, etc. etc.   Although I have considered many times over the years about doing just that.  So many people have no clue about how to give a presentation.  Me, I have given some whoppers, some that result in millions of dollars in decisions.  But enough on that.  No I am talking about my presentation.

When I came to my acceptance of being trans there were a lot of questions in my head.  Who am I really?   How do I want to be?  How do I want others to percieve and interact with me.  I have elsewhere in this blog talked about my female presentation and of course you can follow the pix on the right to see.  I basically look like a fairly conservative soccer mom.  Which is kind of pretty much who I am.  I am not flashy,  not goth, I am not "looking" for something or somebody.  I would like to be cute, and that is a challenge.  But those static images are only part of my presentation.  And you cannot see the rest.

Yes you are saying "Sharon, just post some video".  And the truth is, I have a bunch but I only share them with my close circle of friends.  My little web of trust.  If I was FT I would not care, but alas I am not, and so I do.  So let me tell you about my presentation layer cake.

First off for 47 years I did a fairly good guy impression, voice and all.  No kidding.  I also realized after figuring out something with "avatars" that my guy self was a real world avatar.  And so one day I turned him off to see what the default person was.  Well it turns out she's pretty feminine.  And that is when I knew who I was.  Mind you she had been there all along, she was the one crying at the movies.  But with him off, she was simply there.  So the thing is that when I am in girl mode, it is not contrived, it is just me, with him turned off.  Get it?

Ok so back to presentation, and not the how you look part.  So in these interveneing months I have come to adopt 3 basic presentation styles for myself.  Guy mode I do not know you, guy mode you know I am trans (Guy-Lite), and Sharon.  Sharon is me, with all filters turned off.  Guy-Lite mode is in many ways Sharon, with a less fem voice (more on that in a moment).  And less fem manner.  It means I am constrained, not because I want to be but because it makes others around me more comfortable.  If you saw me and interacted with me you would probably mark me as gay, but I do not have any of the classic gay man affectations.  And of course last, is guy mode.  Which is the usual back slapping, sports report (I have to make it up usually, with one tidbit I grabbed in passing), "hey lady" shouting, macho voice dude.  Mind you he is not a asshole (my soon to be ex would probably disagree, but I know scores of others that would not).  The last one, is the person most people still know me as, including my parents.

My kids have been getting Guy-Lite for some time now, of course they do not know why, but it is my way of slowly introducing "me" to the them.  This is ok.  And in fact good.  I like being this way with them.  And it seems to be working as of late.   I have also used Guy-Lite for some of my interactions with my wife but it is a very constrained version.  Almost Guy mode.  I should mention that this is kind of a spectrum of sorts, I can kind of meter who I am as circumstance warrents.  That might seem phony, but it is not.  I am just trying to make everybody else comfortable.

So with respect to the voice thing.  I had spent some time with an online trans friend who has an excellent female voice.  And she taught me a great deal.  That and some practice and I am close, not perfect, I do not think you can get to perfect 100% of the time. But I do not have a really contrived female voice.  If you heard it you might be able to tell something is up, but compared to guy voice, it aint too bad.  I figure if I was 24/7 it would tune up quickly.  I expect to get into a program locally that helps girls like me perfect things.  I have actually used the voice on the phone and gotten the holy grail of fem voice.  The "ma'am".

And so I discovered that along with my manner and demeanor my voice is different in those three modes as well.  I actually recorded my voice in these three modes which are really different.  (I will share that audio if I know you, or we do some secret handshake, meaning you have to prove to me you are trans too, a member of the sisterhood if you will).  Anyhow the voice is every bit a part of this.

And so as I go about my day I have to gauge the situation and pick who I am.  Naturally I am mostly not Sharon.....yet.    I know at some point the other presentations will fade away, I also know I need to keep them around for a bit.  They serve puposes.  But I also know that I have control over who you see, when and how much.  I have no idea if other girls go through this kind of thing, I do know it is working for me.  I feel comfortable in Guy-Lite.  And so I am going to let him out more often, at least between now and being FT.

In the end, there can be only one...

I could not resist.  And if you do not get that line, I am sorry for you.  So for now, there are three, so much for those arguments of "Two of us" or being "both".  I guess what I am showing is that there really is one, it is just that it has a knob on it marked "presentation".  I think I will nudge it a bit to the F side for now.

Think Pink

So I was recently at an outdoor event.  And was faced with an interesting proposition.  You see once I came to the conclusion I was trans there were certain things I changed for myself, permanently.  Stuff that if I can avoid it I never ever want to do again.  

Wearing guy underwear fits that category.  And I have not since around labor day last year.  Why?  Well, I am a girl, I should wear the right kind of panties.  And I do, so there.

But one of the others was peeing the right way.  You know, seated.  And so I made that rule for myself.  Of course when enfemme it is no problem.  But if you are in drab, you can get some looks now and then, but hey, every guy poops too, don't they?

Now as a person that frequents both the ladies and the men's room, depending on if I have my makeup on or not, I can say with relative certainty, the ladies room is usually an order of magnitude better than the men's room.  And if you are person that sits to pee, that is a big factor.

And so here I am at this outdoor event.  And placed every so many hundred feet are a pair of those gems you see in the photo, right next to a blue pair of similar construction.  Now I had never seen "sexed" port-a-potties before.  And mind you, they only have a color as an indicator, there are no signs, saying, women only or something.  In fact I waited a moment pondering and low and behold a woman came out of a blue one.  Well at that note I moved ahead with my experiment.

First a blue one, well that was a mistake.  Even though there is a urinal separate from the seat, for some reason there is a need to have hosed down the entirety of the interior of the blue plastic abode.  And for good measure, somebody has left shit on the seat.  Like they could not aim or something.  Ick.  I am disgusted.  I contemplate cleaning it.  At least there is a hand sanitizer dispenser in the space.  Alas it is empty.  I give up.  I walk out, and stick my head in the second of the two little boy blue boxes.  I am greeted with the same, except this time toilet paper has been added as a urine soaked garnish, about the floor, on the seat, around the seat.  I do not know if it is a failed attempt to clean it or was meant as a masculine art project.   I head for the exit.

So now, I think to myself, if I use the pink one, will I go to jail?  Will other women drag me from it in disgust as one of the lower life forms befouling their sacred ground.  Or, will I not be bothered at all.  Perhaps rumours of their cleanliness are just that, rumours.   I enter the pink ensconcement.  

To my delight, the seat is down, and so is the lid!  Odd, there is actually a urinal in there, totally unused.  A good sign.  I lift the cover, the seat is pristine.  No I would not eat off of it, but I am sure it has been wiped down by the last patron, with, wait for it, a working hand sanitizer dispenser, yay!.   I proceed to clean it again for good measure.  I do my business.  Examine my result, low and behold, not a drop anyplace other than where it should be.  I pull my panties up (yes you did not think otherwise did you?) and sort out my clothes, and to my amazement, a mirror on the back of the door!  Had I been enfemme I could have checked my makeup even.  Outstanding!

I am befuddled by what genetic male defect prevents them from doing the same in the blue turdshack.  Is it learned, or are they born with it?  Now that I have decided I have a choice, I am thinking this is indeed an advantage over the men's room, even if I will have to stand in line to use it, it is probably worth it.

I exited to find several guys waiting for the blue ones.  I nod and carry on.  They make no move to the pink, good, I want to keep it for us girls if I can.  So on that front, when in doubt go pink.

Distracted

So I try and keep this blog more about what I am thinking, and less about me.  There are lots of girls writing out there and you know, they tell you what they had for breakfast, what kind of shoes they wore, some kind of thing about meeting up with somebody, etc etc.  I try and not do that.  Or at least when I do do it (heh, she said doodoo) I tell it in the context of something else.  So forgive me on being silent for a bit, I could not just dribble on about going to various groups, or what happened, or not, sometimes it is a good thing to pause and just listen.

Life.  The stuff that happens while you are making plans.

As I mentioned a few posts ago my wife has asked for a separation.  And I have to say that exercise is getting a bit ugly.  Let me go back a bit to cover why she wanted it in the first place. That will save you some reading.  She came to the conclusion that "if" I transitioned we would no longer be married and that I could, or might, abandon her and leave her and the kids destitute. This is an absurd notion but I cannot seem to persuade her otherwise.  I also think she is just not comfortable with where I am headed.  So she wants something else in a partner.  I will not do.  I guess if I were a hetero woman, I probably would not be interested in me either.

I am not going to go into the mechanics of this separation process other than to say it is painful. And frankly distracting.  There are forms to fill out, arguments to be made, decisions to be executed on.  And, as in our case, if you do not agree on everything, there are third parties involved.  Which of course all costs money and takes a lot of time.  So this is where my mind has been as of late.  And if you have not been though it just imagine doing your taxes, and closing on a house at the same time as elves run around you banging pots and pans and sticking their hands in your pockets looking for lose change or your keys along with the occasional grope.

So I have been distracted.  Sorry.

In a few days I will prepare for a big journey for me.  No I am not talking about the actual plane flight.  This one will probably make or break me and I wager will cause me to start putting together a real schedule for myself, or at least a timeline with events, if not dates.  

I will be going to Chicago for Be-All.  

Now that in itself is something but I am doubling what it is.  I have been invited to visit my friend "J" and her spouse "B" at their home which is relatively nearby (as in parsecs).  And so I will do that for 5 days and then do Be-All for 5 more days.  Ten days as myself.  I am only taking enough guy clothes for the plane ride so there is no turning back (yes I know there are stores in Illinois, I only expect to go to women's clothing stores during my visit).

This is where I get notes from some of you encouraging me to fly en femme.  Please do not bother.  Until I have identification that says, or indicates "F", I will travel as a guy.  I want no government interaction problems thank you...  

Back to our subject, 10 days.  So what am I hoping to accomplish in these 10 days.  I want to know that I feel like me everyday.  That there are no days where I go, oh, that is too hard to do, I will do it the guy way.  That I feel every bit a woman as I can during the time.  That I do things in a world, that is the same world that other women are in.  Work without a net, outside the cocoon.  That I will present and be treated in the manner that I desire.  That it is not a test to be passed, or trial to be endured.  What I am hoping for is freedom to flourish.  So ten days.  One third of a month.  2.7% of a year.  A small beginning.

Am I looking for an out, a way to say, "just kidding"?  No.  So why do it all?  Well part of me says I need to answer the doubters who will ask when I come out, or tell them I want to be FT.  They will say, hey how do you know for sure?  I will say well I was me for "X" days recently.  And I loved it and felt the best I ever have in my life.  I do not know if I will really say that or not, but it sure sounds good.  Why do I care?  Because I want those I tell to go, wow, you really have this worked out, it sounds like something you really want, and based on what you told me, you are ready to do it.  I want acceptance.  Not of me, that will come in time.  Of the fact that I have worked this out for me.  That is what "I" need to do.

And so my mind is on that.  Ten days. What to pack, what to where, where to go.  I want to fit in.  I have two worlds to address.  I have a pretty much non-trans world to interface in for the first 5 days, and then this crazy transfriendly bubble for the next 5 days.  Each are intriguing for the own merits.   The first 5 days will be a test of actually being FT, yes I will be staying with a transwoman and her partner.  But they live in a small town (well smaller than Chicago).  I will just do what they do for those days.  Some of it will be a little higher profile than I am used to as "me" but so be it.  So I will see how I do, I am hoping I do not embarrass them at all.  This is my greatest fear.   Making a social mistake.  

I have been immersing myself by doing things in the real world as me.  Dinner, shopping, the drive thru, pumping gas, making appointments on the phone (with my girl voice), buying coffee at Starbucks, etc etc.  All as me.  All with good results so far.  So will I do ok? Dunno, standby and I will tell you.  My local friends tell me I will be fine, and that I am passable (not awesome mind you) but passable.  I hope so for "J" and "B"s sake.

The second part will be a breeze I think, because there is a safety net if you need it.  But I am going to want to go off the menu a bit and try some ala cart too.  So side trips to the mall, without the herd.  I will see if I can make some new friends and perhaps take one or two of them for dinner and see how we do.  I have another friend coming in from a nearby state.  It will be her first conference (like I am an expert, this is #2 for me).  I hope to coax her out of the hotel room and be herself for the first time in the sunshine.

Ok so that is enough dribble.  It is kind of all about me, and I do not like this kind of post.  So I promise that the next one will be some anecdotal thing I figured out on this journey.  Some interaction with the real world that puzzled me.  Or some other stuff that got flung at the wall and stuck there (you know before TV, you could fling liver against the wall and watch it slide down for entertainment).