Distracted

So I try and keep this blog more about what I am thinking, and less about me.  There are lots of girls writing out there and you know, they tell you what they had for breakfast, what kind of shoes they wore, some kind of thing about meeting up with somebody, etc etc.  I try and not do that.  Or at least when I do do it (heh, she said doodoo) I tell it in the context of something else.  So forgive me on being silent for a bit, I could not just dribble on about going to various groups, or what happened, or not, sometimes it is a good thing to pause and just listen.

Life.  The stuff that happens while you are making plans.

As I mentioned a few posts ago my wife has asked for a separation.  And I have to say that exercise is getting a bit ugly.  Let me go back a bit to cover why she wanted it in the first place. That will save you some reading.  She came to the conclusion that "if" I transitioned we would no longer be married and that I could, or might, abandon her and leave her and the kids destitute. This is an absurd notion but I cannot seem to persuade her otherwise.  I also think she is just not comfortable with where I am headed.  So she wants something else in a partner.  I will not do.  I guess if I were a hetero woman, I probably would not be interested in me either.

I am not going to go into the mechanics of this separation process other than to say it is painful. And frankly distracting.  There are forms to fill out, arguments to be made, decisions to be executed on.  And, as in our case, if you do not agree on everything, there are third parties involved.  Which of course all costs money and takes a lot of time.  So this is where my mind has been as of late.  And if you have not been though it just imagine doing your taxes, and closing on a house at the same time as elves run around you banging pots and pans and sticking their hands in your pockets looking for lose change or your keys along with the occasional grope.

So I have been distracted.  Sorry.

In a few days I will prepare for a big journey for me.  No I am not talking about the actual plane flight.  This one will probably make or break me and I wager will cause me to start putting together a real schedule for myself, or at least a timeline with events, if not dates.  

I will be going to Chicago for Be-All.  

Now that in itself is something but I am doubling what it is.  I have been invited to visit my friend "J" and her spouse "B" at their home which is relatively nearby (as in parsecs).  And so I will do that for 5 days and then do Be-All for 5 more days.  Ten days as myself.  I am only taking enough guy clothes for the plane ride so there is no turning back (yes I know there are stores in Illinois, I only expect to go to women's clothing stores during my visit).

This is where I get notes from some of you encouraging me to fly en femme.  Please do not bother.  Until I have identification that says, or indicates "F", I will travel as a guy.  I want no government interaction problems thank you...  

Back to our subject, 10 days.  So what am I hoping to accomplish in these 10 days.  I want to know that I feel like me everyday.  That there are no days where I go, oh, that is too hard to do, I will do it the guy way.  That I feel every bit a woman as I can during the time.  That I do things in a world, that is the same world that other women are in.  Work without a net, outside the cocoon.  That I will present and be treated in the manner that I desire.  That it is not a test to be passed, or trial to be endured.  What I am hoping for is freedom to flourish.  So ten days.  One third of a month.  2.7% of a year.  A small beginning.

Am I looking for an out, a way to say, "just kidding"?  No.  So why do it all?  Well part of me says I need to answer the doubters who will ask when I come out, or tell them I want to be FT.  They will say, hey how do you know for sure?  I will say well I was me for "X" days recently.  And I loved it and felt the best I ever have in my life.  I do not know if I will really say that or not, but it sure sounds good.  Why do I care?  Because I want those I tell to go, wow, you really have this worked out, it sounds like something you really want, and based on what you told me, you are ready to do it.  I want acceptance.  Not of me, that will come in time.  Of the fact that I have worked this out for me.  That is what "I" need to do.

And so my mind is on that.  Ten days. What to pack, what to where, where to go.  I want to fit in.  I have two worlds to address.  I have a pretty much non-trans world to interface in for the first 5 days, and then this crazy transfriendly bubble for the next 5 days.  Each are intriguing for the own merits.   The first 5 days will be a test of actually being FT, yes I will be staying with a transwoman and her partner.  But they live in a small town (well smaller than Chicago).  I will just do what they do for those days.  Some of it will be a little higher profile than I am used to as "me" but so be it.  So I will see how I do, I am hoping I do not embarrass them at all.  This is my greatest fear.   Making a social mistake.  

I have been immersing myself by doing things in the real world as me.  Dinner, shopping, the drive thru, pumping gas, making appointments on the phone (with my girl voice), buying coffee at Starbucks, etc etc.  All as me.  All with good results so far.  So will I do ok? Dunno, standby and I will tell you.  My local friends tell me I will be fine, and that I am passable (not awesome mind you) but passable.  I hope so for "J" and "B"s sake.

The second part will be a breeze I think, because there is a safety net if you need it.  But I am going to want to go off the menu a bit and try some ala cart too.  So side trips to the mall, without the herd.  I will see if I can make some new friends and perhaps take one or two of them for dinner and see how we do.  I have another friend coming in from a nearby state.  It will be her first conference (like I am an expert, this is #2 for me).  I hope to coax her out of the hotel room and be herself for the first time in the sunshine.

Ok so that is enough dribble.  It is kind of all about me, and I do not like this kind of post.  So I promise that the next one will be some anecdotal thing I figured out on this journey.  Some interaction with the real world that puzzled me.  Or some other stuff that got flung at the wall and stuck there (you know before TV, you could fling liver against the wall and watch it slide down for entertainment).