Outness

So today I layed on the couch for those high energy light pulses to do their worst against my retreating facial hair. I had a discussion with the nurse, yeah my tech is a real nurse, about the fact that I still had a bunch of fine, and light colored stuff in there. She tells me there is a setting just for that and she pushes some buttons on the console. We chit chat idly and she asks me how things are going for me. I pause and say don't ask. Last time I was there she did not do the work, somebody else did. She is more meticulous and pays a lot more attention to things. She makes special efforts to "get it all". I am happier when I have my regular tech. Today will be a good session. Oh and before I forget it, she is gorgeous, not young "model type" gorgeous, but mature woman gorgeous. I want to be her when I grow up. Ok enough on that.

This is interesting, because she does not know about me. I am just another of her male patients that are getting some work done. She has made comments in the past about how I am her best "male" patient with respect to my pain tolerance. So in this case the doodad is cranked up to a higher setting and she asks, is that ok? I nod, grit my teeth, and even with the numbing gel, bear it. The price of "failure" would be too high to stop now. I am close.

She notes, your skin looks really good. I am flattered, if she knew... In the past she has mentioned she has transgendered clients. Unprompted by me. This is tricky, my wife comes to the same place, uses the same tech. She notes that I have lost weight, that I look good. Pfizt, pfizt, pfizt. The smell of burning hair, or something like it. Out they pop, like kernels in a bag of Orville Redenbacher's pride and joy. I grin, I look good, my skin looks good, if she only knew.

I tell her I look a lot different since Jan alone. In my iPhone I have a side by side photo, male me, from Jan to March. The difference is striking. I look a lot better, not just skinnier, but healthier, younger. Maybe even a decade off in looks. Old me looks like he might die before the evening is over, new me looks totally different, refreshed, renewed. Even if my personal life is in the shitter I am following Fernando's advice, "'Tis better to look good than feel good, if you know what I mean, and you look marvelous". OK so I look ok... Marvelous, I will alert the media when I get there, if ever.

I show her the two headed shot, she is amazed at the difference, she says , wow that is amazing, you look so much better now...

And then I make the move. I have "the" photo, the sort of candid one I use here for my headshot in the blog. I am thinking I need to show her the real me. She starts asking if I want other treatments, there is a sale. I ask her a pointed question. How confidential is our relationship? She says she cannot discuss anything about me outside of the room. I say well in that case you need to see something. I show her the picture...

There is a pause and then she looks back at me, with a big smile.

She says, you look lovely, is that what you were worried about? I say yes. She says, well I am really glad you are doing something about what you need to do. I am floored, not that I really expected less, but she is so positive about it. She is totally supportive, down right encouraging. I explain a little, but I think she has heard it before. She mentions a few other customers who are like me. I probe a little, just a test. I know some of these girls by name. I pose the name of one. She looks at me and says, I cannot say hon, it is all confidential. Good news, she does not slip up even when familiar. I am happy. On the way out she makes the zipper sign across her lips.

So why all of this nonsense here. Well I outed myself to one more person today. And that is one less person I need to hide from, or lie to, and that feels good. And to boot, she thinks it is ok. I know that for every person who reacts this way I am probably going to run into two that do not think this is a good thing. But it is nice to have one in the bucket that does.

And there is a big issue here for somebody like me, outness. There seem to be degrees of it. Safe pockets. I am out to all of you dear readers. You can see my visage, you do not know my name, well some do, but that is because I have chosen to share it. And so I am out online of sorts. I go to group, and am very out there. I have traveled out of town and met a bunch of girls like me, out again. But I am not out where I have my closest relationships. And I fear coming out to these. My kids, my parents, my extended family, my business partners, my employees, my friends, my customers and those whom I work with in various volunteer organizations.

And so I will take away a small victory for me, I outed myself to somebody who is friendly to me, but who is not trans, or really part of the trans community. Somebody bound by a code of ethics, yes. Mind you my lawyer knows but that is not the same. Kind of a baby step. A furniture surfing step (those of you with kids will get it). Now I need to start thinking about taking a stroll. I am not sure where this path goes, but I am nonetheless walking it.