Bricks

So I was floored by the fact that I have made 34 posts in my short time in all of this strange new world. I guess I was full of shit and now a lot of that has electronically spilled out onto your screens. I hope it has not stunk up the place, I know it can from time to time. On the other hand if I am lucky you have laughed with me as much as cried. So now what. Yeah. You know that point when you are in a group, and there is conversation and everybody is laughing and having a good time and there there is that awkward pause. Everybody looks at each other, realizes there was a lot of energy in the room, and then suddenly, none. People's minds race for the next comment, anecdote, joke or whatever to recover the previous precious moment. It is almost a contest to see who can cleverly break the silence first.

That is almost how I feel right now.

How is my world different than this time last year. Well for one I have been "out", at least online and at support groups for just about 4 months, and really been "me" in those worlds only since like Jan 10. I actually have a wardrobe, that is mine! My wife now knows "clinically" what I am. She has basically told me that I need to go, she is not ready to deal with me. I have a therapist (A very good one, ask me about her). I have accepted, and I am in the process of embracing, that I am trans. I have been to a conference, and will attend others soon. I have made some physical changes, laser, and Spiro for now. I like and prefer being a girl, in fact so much that I am now considering making it permanent (I lie, I am more than "considering" it). And here is the biggest one, I have a lot of new friends. Way more than I ever expected. In fact, that was the one thing I did not expect.

I have met so many people over these last 4 months that I do not have to explain who and what I am to that I am astounded. I have met local girls, out of town girls, online girls, girls that I have admired from afar on the Internet, role models (also from the Internet), full time girls, pre-op girls, post-op girls, non-op girls, weekend warriors, once in a blue moon girls, and some who are girls now that I knew before either of us knew the other was a girl. And my takeaway from all of this. I am OK. I am not alone. I might be a bit different than your "typical" human that does not have a gender issue but other than that, I am actually downright normal, and so are most of my new friends. In fact, some of them are the most grounded people I have ever met in my life. That was unexpected. Aren't we all supposed to be eccentric flakes?

Now I am thinking that it should not be unexpected. If I consider the amount of mental introspection it takes to be trans. And to be willing to be public about it. You would have to be grounded. I mean, you are running the risk of creating havoc in your life, losing many things that are precious. And for some of us, making those changes permanent. This is something you do not do on a whim. It is serious business. And it requires your to tear yourself down and then build it back, brick by brick, in the form that you want.

This is kind of an interesting picture. We, myself included, tend to obsess on the physical changes we desire to become congruent with our mental image of ourselves. I contend there are four parts to this exercise and the physical is only one. And in fact, that is the easy one. Here let's peel this onion. On the outside is the fundamental bit, in your head, you are a girl. You know this, you believe it, and everyday it makes you crazy that others either cannot see it or you will not let them see it. But it is all there none the less.

Layer two, is the bit I just talked about. The physical bit. Making yourself match how you feel about that outside layer. And in order of hardness, it is the first thing that really is little hard, because it requires you to do something, something that might cost money, or time, or effort, or pain or all of it. But you do it so you match those two layers up. And when they align, you feel better about you. This is a good thing. This is the feeling I got when I looked in the mirror and saw "her" for the first time.

Layer three, is about others. This is a tough one. Because just because you have your first two layers aligned that does not mean you can get others to align with you. And in fact you might never get them to do so. This for me, is a very painful layer. Not because I am trans, but because I need to explain, teach, expose, disappoint, redirect, modify, alter, inform and reach others about this. I have little control over the reaction of this, only the message as it is sent. This is hard, but I suspect if your first two layers are aligned well, you at least have a fighting chance here. This is what is going to preoccupy a lot of my time over the next few years, I can see it now.

Lastly layer four. This is the non-obvious layer. This is the "you" that is in there, no not your gender, that is part of it for sure, but it is not your core. Some will disagree with me. But I suspect most not. I am certain there are some natal gendered persons who wake up in the morning and relish their gender and go, ah such a great day to be a ______(fill in for your preference)! But I suspect most of us do not do that. Most of us reflect on what you need to do that day, were you a good person the day before, did you perform in deed and action at your best. What can you do today to be better than yesterday? This is what is in the middle of this onion, your core essence. Does it have gender, most certainly, is it gender by itself? I have personal evidence that it is probably not.

Ok Sharon, enough mumbo jumbo, what are you trying to say here. As a transsexual (yeah that is how I feel right now) I, in addition to those outside layers, have to rebuild who I am as person. Mind you, I was not a bad person before. But my transness is making me a better person. It has given me an opportunity, that most of us do not get, to rebuild and remake my core self.

Imagine a house made of bricks, that has some defects. Some bricks are the wrong color, do not fit right, need pointing, etc etc. The house seems ok, but it has some cracks in walls, and few leaks and other defects. If I told you you had to rebuild the house, but first you had to knock it all down and sort the bricks and clean them you would say, jeez, that is a lot of work, why would I do that. And you know what, most people don't, and won't do it. So they muddle along, and put spackle on the cracks, and a bucket under the leak when it rains.

But lets say a twister shows up (being trans) and knocks the house down, literally great chunks of brick fly around and break up. Some stay together, the well built bits, some of the house stays standing but in general it is a mess. And yet most of the bricks are still there, strewn about the yard. Some of them ended up in the neighbors yard, broke some of their windows too, sorry, an act "of god" what can you do. But after the wind dies down what do you do? And the rules are, you cannot just move away, because this house is you.

So you gather the bricks up. You sort them, you clean them, you organize them. You put them in neat stacks. You toss the broken ones. Get rid of the wrong ones. Then you look at the house, some parts need to come down, others can stay. You demo those bits. Clean up the others. You make a list of the new stuff you need to get from the home supply store. And you go buy that stuff. And you start building a new house where the old one was. You might ask a plumber for some help with something or another professional to fix or construct a bit of the house with you. But I am certain the new house you build brick by brick will be better than the old one. This time you build it different, stronger, better able to stand up to the wind. And the house when done is beautiful and strong and yours.

And as is my habit in these tales, that represents what I think makes my trans friends so grounded, at least so many of them. For a lot of them, they are still building the house. Some are nearly done. Their houses are awesome (I plan on stealing ideas from them). I may call some of their plumbers when the time comes. But in the end, that new house is strong and that is what I see in all of them now. Being trans acted as a catalyst to having a sense of personal well being. And unless the wind comes you do not get the chance to rebuild the house. And that would be a huge shame. Well my wind has come and gone. Time to build.

And so goes that pause in the conversation I mentioned above. I know what the next part is now.

Hey I will be right back, I need to go collect some bricks, I know they are over here someplace near what is left of the water heater, I am pretty sure I can use them to make a new fireplace, it is going to be awesome, you will see...