Knee Deep

I started writing this post with the title "a toe in the water". But after thinking on it for a bit I decided that was wrong considering the subject matter. I then changed it to ankle deep, as that seemed to be a more committed picture. Imagine a field of mud, ankle deep, and your foot gets stuck, of course what usually happens is you tug and pull your foot out of the mud and leave the shoe behind. That is an interesting metaphor for being trans, as it seems to me you end up losing or leaving behind a lot of things in your life once you start to figure out who you really are.

But ankle deep did not seem quite deep enough. And mind you I am thinking that one who has totally transitioned I would call neck deep, you cannot go any deeper, unless you have a mask, and maybe that is transitioned and stealth. But I digress. Me, so far I am knee deep, which reminds me of a bad joke about asking a frog how deep the water is. If you cannot figure that out say the title of the post three times.

And so what is knee deep?

Knee deep is, when you get yourself ready (en femme), and walk out into the world whatever it may have for you. That is to say, the "Real World" (RW). This is what I did for the past week starting on last Monday (4/6 for future readers). I found myself out of town, about an hour outside of Philadelphia. Let's say I was there for a week long tutorial in a pastime I enjoy. During the day, I was him, my usual drab but personable self. And at night, me. Or as I have joked. Fem By Five. Somebody told me that should be a product line for girls like me.

Regardless of that, this was my story, each day, I would get back to my hotel room and "correct" myself. Then, grab my keys and go. RW here I come. I am not going to give you a droll play by play, if you want that and you know me send me an email. But I did things. I went bowling, with some other girls. This was an interesting challenge as it was in a mainstream place, and required me to be attired correctly and be active when so. I did it, and felt great. My bowling score continued to suck, which is an important thing. It means that I am still me, regardless of my presentation. That is subtle at best. But is a point I want to make. I believe that transition may fix a few things that bug you daily, yes it aligns your sense of self to the outside world. But it by no means changes fundamentally who you are. You end up with the same weaknesses, strengths, fears, concerns, issues, whatever. You just have them now with a feminine perspective, and your reaction may be altered by your transition. The removal of the testosterone haze clears up some of that. But, like in my case, you may still suck at bowling.

I of course met, had several dinners with other girls and folks who are also on the "fringes". And I made a new best friend who's story parallels mine to some degree in that we both have obstacles preventing us from completely transitioning right now. I will cherish these new friendships, and the openness I continue to discover in this community. If you are reading this, and you are locked away in your secret closet. I want you to know, it is ok to come out into the room, and even leave the house. Please go find your local support group, it will give you perspective that you cannot find by just surfing the web. Not to mention the opportunity to be "yourself".

So back to my RW exercises. I went shopping. In an mall. An outlet mall really. But I want to say, I had a great experience. All of the sales people were helpful and friendly. And I really have no idea if they thought I was a natal woman, a transwoman, or whatever. I came, I saw, I chatted, I tried on, I purchased. I figure there are several possibles here. I passed, I did not pass but the clerks do not care, or they understand, or maybe they just wanted my money and so they treated me well. Here is the answer, it does not matter. They treated me like I wanted to be. As a woman.

I did learn some interesting things with my interaction with the public. Men will open a door for a six foot tall woman in heels. Women will talk to you a lot more that if you were a guy. One asked me about my nail color, and told me it looked really nice, she was a fellow customer and had no reason to say a thing! In general, being female and interacting with females is a much more pleasant and civilized experience. I enjoyed this aspect of this very much. I was one of the other women, and that made me feel great.

So in my week what did I prove to myself? I can go most anywhere without a problem. If I am clocked, and I probably was by somebody, but I was not certain that anybody really did, the result might be more curiosity than fear. I found out that I can probably live in the RW as a woman and in general have a positive experience. I am sure there are bumps to be had, and I am going to hit them, some of which are already blossoming in my personal and family life. But I think now that I have resolved a lot of these things in my head. I am beginning to be able to "let go" of some of those things that I had feared, or felt I needed to keep a grip on. I am not saying let go, I am saying let loose. They are different ideas, one is getting rid of, the other is freeing. Kind of what happens to the shoe in the mud. You get to keep the foot, which is the important bit.

So back to knee deep. If you are in knee deep there are kind of two directions to go, you could go back to ankle depth. It might be safer but you are probably still going to lose your shoe. And if you are knee deep and did not think to wear waders then you are already in it, and you lost the shoe someplace a while ago. So you might as well go waist deep and see if that feels ok too. And then who knows. Eventually Backstroke I think maybe. Well at least for a little bit. The right answer in the long is Freestyle followed by Butterfly...