Take A Mulligan

So as I have mentioned previously my wife of 20+ years has asked me for a separation. "Asked" is kind of a funny word for that isn't it. Like I get to say, no or something. It should be "told", or "informed". Asked infers I get to make a choice in the matter. I guess I do, I can say no, and be difficult and then she will push and it can get ugly. So I guess I will stick with "ask". If I respond politely it probably costs me a lot less in the end.

So in the brief, in between, time spaces, as we never really get to have long talks on this subject, I told her that this kind of sucked because based on my analysis of our "portfolio" and the things she wants to walk away with I will kind of be screwed, at least in the short term. You see most of my "wealth" is in my stock in my company, which of course you cannot live in, or eat. And since it is not a public company, cannot be made liquid either. Someday, it might be worth something to somebody who will give me some money for it, if I am lucky. So at the end of the exercise, I will be short term "poor". Now please, no pity on me. I will be fine, it is that it just sucks to be "starting over". And in fact, I am thinking that is not what I really want to do.

When I expressed this to her she responded with the most absurd thing. "I thought that was was what you wanted, to start a new life". This struck me like a ton of bricks. I had never really considered that what I was about to do was start a "new life". I always kind of thought I was just continuing this one. And that the only really big change would be, how I express my person to the outside world. Yeah, did I expect that there would be issues, discomfort, pain, and other challenges? Sure. Did I think I would be starting from scratch, all over again? No.

If you have played golf you know what a "take a mulligan" means. For those not in the know, you tee up the ball, whack it, and it goes into the trees or pond or whatever. If you are playing a light game with friends, often they will say "take a mulligan". Upon which you tee up the ball again, just like you did the first time, but also just like the first time never happened. It is forgotten. It is forgiven too. I do not know who Mulligan was, probably an Irish philosopher. I like the general idea, especially when you are starting out. Often we make mistakes and want a chance to start over. Usually though, it only applies on the tee off, not on the green when putting.

And so her remark struck me as that. Take a Mulligan. Except, I am on the green. I am about to sink the putt. No mulligan here. The best I can do is change the club for one that feels better in my hands. Gives me more control. Assurance. And then try and sink it. And if somebody is telling you, take a mulligan on the green, then they obviously do not understand the game, and at that they don't even understand the "bent" rules of that game. She does not get it.

I told her later that I don't want to start over. That was never my intent. That her assumption of that was kind of nuts. Can I start over, I suppose I could. But why would I? I am on the green now. I told her, what I thought would happen is I would "play through" and that what would change, over time, would be my personal expression. Who I am, how I interact with the world. Would that mean a change in my appearance over time? Yep. Change my name someday, probably. Alter myself in a physical way. Likely. Permanently? It depends...
But none of that is a "do over". And at my age (soon to be 48) who would want to do that? It is a lot of work. I have enough to do just to work on me.

Alas, my options at the moment seem limited. Cast into the stereotypical roles that she sees for me. A or B, Black or White, Male or Female, Husband or Not (She calls that "Friend"). Nothing in between, no shade of grey. It is too bad really, there are an infinite number of shades between black and white, and some of them are quite lovely. But, if you can't see them, then they are not there, and there is no way you can appreciate them.

So on I will go, I am not going to take the mulligan. I am going to play though. Might it mean I end up on the back nine instead of the front nine? Yeah. Might I take my clubs to another course? Yes it could mean that too. Maybe I will put them away and not play? Nah, I need to play. But when I do play, you won't see me asking my partners for a mulligan when my ball goes off into the weeds, write it down, I'll take the stroke, and see if I can get a birdy on the next hole. And if not, then there will be another day to play.