Blueness

So this happens to us I know it. Some days you get up and ask. What the hell am I doing? Today is one of those blue days for me. I was walking about in my morning routine. Asking myself questions. Not sure of the answers to those questions. Not sure is the wrong thing to say. I usually have an answer, they are just answers I do not like. You know like asking, do I really have to pay taxes, yes. Does the tooth really need to come out, yes. Is my marriage in the shitter, yes. You get the trend.

So I sat today looking at where I am relative to where I was. Not that I was fond of him but Reagan once asked, "Are you better off than you were four years ago". My answer, mixed bag. I can modify that window to one year ago. As most of what this is has happened, at least outside my head, in less than a year. In a previous post I enumerated some of the good things that have happened. My discovery of new, and old, friends. Joining a new community. Discovering me. These are all good. And then as I was moping around the house this AM the bad bits came up.

I am a tenant in my house. My marriage, purely on paper now. I still love her. I cannot say the converse. So I get to lose the person I once referred to as my best friend. I cannot share with her much of anything about being me. This is very painful. I am never going to be able to repair it. As to affection, I will never "spoon" with her again. And if it were mutual it sure would be easier. And since I have gotten further in touch with my female side I am feeling this pain more intensely than I thought possible. But I cannot share it.

I have a friend who is going through a breakup. She was kind of a mess for a bit. I am sure she will survive. But imagine a breakup where instead of an event and then you are apart you have the event and then see each other everyday and nothing really changes, and you have to stay together because you have those little bundles of common DNA that you made together walking around. So you never really part, you have binding glue. That is pain.

You are alone, but the thing you want is just an arms reach away. But you cannot touch. I am reminded of a Howard Jones song, later done by Phil Collins. No One Is To Blame. And the song works mostly. Even the "she wants you bit". Except in this case the person she wants me to be, I cannot be, and faked poorly for 20 years of marriage. And so it sucks.

I looked at one other part of my potential "new" life. I have group on Saturday. Group is good, group lets me be me. One of the key people in my group, somebody I have grown pretty fond of decided to step down from a leadership position. I am not saying she quit. Just stepped back It made me question why I go to group. What am I seeking there.

I realized suddenly that I had not yet made my $90 hotel reservation, yes this is the price of me being me, so I can change for group. I have had offers of friends homes, and have upon occasion taken them up on it. But the hotel is easy, and in truth takes less time to get ready, you do not have to clean up until it is time to go. And then I thought, gee, maybe you will just get ready in your car on the way. I hear a lot of girls do that. And then I felt blue. Like a second, or maybe third class citizen. And I asked myself, why am I doing that to me. Feels like punishment.

All of this as I prep for my day in my basement office because it has a bathroom where I can hide. God forbid somebody sees the panties. And I guess that is when I just felt so blue I sat down and wrote this. I know that these days come and go and ebb and flow like a tide. And sometimes they are precipitated by outside events. And even if you are not trans they still happen. It would just be nice if they were about something else for a change. And I guess that is what my friend from group is trying to say about why she is stepping away a bit.

What would it be like to just be normal, and blue about something that is really worth being blue about. I suppose if I wait for a bit, I will certainly find out. Sorry if this is a bummer post. My blog, my rules. Don't worry I will be back to my normal sarcastic smartass self in a day or two, rumor has it the sun is coming out soon and that always cheers me up. Yellow is always better than Blue.