Family - How do you explain this?

So I have had this post in the queue for a long time. As I knew eventually I am going to have to deal with this. And I guess it is one of the inevitable items for those of us who have decided to do something about being trans, other than quake in fear, and take photos without heads on them and use fake names and all of that crap. For the reader's benefit, I am guilty of all of that stuff. I am not going to apologize either. It is what we do to get by everyday.

And as we all stumble through that we find that there are little bits that, despite our best efforts, leak out into the real world and play havoc with our nice tidy little existences. You know the nicely trimmed and edged lawn that you keep so the neighbors are envious. That despite what might be going on inside the house, child abuse, wife beating, drugs, depression, emotional distress, god forbid, a transperson, nobody takes note of as long as the yard is tidy. All that is cared about is the presentation of normal. Be normal, it is what we all want you to be.

And if that grass goes untended and gets a bit high, they will come knock on your door. Not out of concern for you but just because they are tired of looking at your lawn. Because you are now not normal and you need a trim. And in some cases if you let it go long enough they will call the county on you and they will trim it and send you a bill. These are the same people that end up on TV when the serial killer is revealed to be a neighbor. "Well he was a normal sort of fella, put his pants on one leg at a time if I recall, he was always nice to my dog". Then they put up the photo of the google eyed nut job, and you go yeah, he looks normal alright, not.

Well my grass got a little high, no not my real grass. My transgrass. And so this has led to the aforementioned pending separation, and what I believe to be the end of 20 years of marriage. And of course she knows why the grass is tall, I told her. I had to, I love her. And so you would think that is the biggest hurdle in all of this. Telling her the truth, and sharing what I am inside. You might think that she would feel for my pain. Maybe she does, but I guess her pain is greater. So I get to do the ride alone now.

In reality I could have any other ailment in the book (go ahead pick one, oh say, brain tumor) and I would be greeted with sympathy and compassion and support. The only other thing I can think of that comes close would be coming out that I am gay (which oddly enough, I have no interest in, those of you who are trans will understand that, my non trans friends might not). And today, now when people come out as gay, folks go, eh, how common. It is not like you go around the mall with a big sign, "People used to think I was hetero".

So my transgrass is tall now, time to mow, my wife wants us to split up. And that means that there is a visible tangible change in my life that requires some explanation to others. And so what do you tell them? Now I have non-trans friends, coworkers and business partners that know nothing of all of this. They do know that my marriage has been at some strain for several years. And I guess me being trans was the straw that broke the camel's back. So I started this week to at least inform my business partners that there will be some changes coming for me, I told a co-worker the same. All of them sympathized. But I did not tell them I was trans. That will come another day. And when it does they will probably go, ah ha, so it was all her(his) fault after all. So be it if they think that, but I know my marriage had some issues before I started exploring this stuff. I am not going to belabor that stuff here, it is old news.

So the friends, they are almost easy by comparison. They can buy that things just fell apart. They will offer me a "cold one" and want to commiserate. Family though, that is a different nut. And so I go to my next challenge, I need to explain to my parents who are in their 70's. First I have to explain that my marriage is done. This might not be too hard for them, they know I have had some issues for some time. They are going to be worried about the lack of my influence day to day on my sons. Basically they do not see eye to eye with my wife on child raising, neither do I. So at first blush they will be happy, or relieved for me. And then concerned for my kids. And that is all good I guess. But I am thinking I cannot just end the story there.

I am thinking I have to come out to them. They need to know I am trans. I have to take responsibility for the part of this failed marriage that is on me. I hate to say it that way. I did not choose to be this way. I just am this way, like having blue eyes, or being tall. What I have chosen is to start doing something about being this way. And that choice was too much for my wife, even if she was the one that gave me the shove and told me to "go explore". And so how do you tell mom and dad who think you are the best thing they ever did together that you are not the son they thought they had. How do you tear down that picture and tell them hey, I love you both, but I need to be your daughter now. And this from a person whom they have now moved the title of patriarch onto. I am the "head" of the family now.

If mom met me for real, in stealth, you know at one of her clubs or in a social way. She would like me, we are a lot a like. In reality, my boy me has a lot of mom. Mom wore the pants in my family, she did the money, the big decisions, these were all mom's. She worked and raised kids. I want to say I came out ok, better than ok. Lately when I am myself, and I look in the mirror I see her a little, well as of late, more than a little. And so I have this nutty idea, and if she did not live so far away I might be tempted. She meets Sharon, and gets to know her, and likes her and we become friends. And then I take my hair and makeup off and she does an OMG.

But at least she would see a happy well adjusted woman before I tell her about me. And I guess that is the problem here. When you come out, all they will see is their son in a dress. And I am told you need to give them bake time on the idea. I am unsure about this. I want them to know I am happier as a female, that I actually feel joy from simple things, cry at a movie, smile a lot more. I feel they need to see that.

As to dad...I don't know. There are things about him that I will not put here, but lets just say I think he has some of his own personal demons. And so I do not know if he will freak or embrace. And the thing is, he is the gentlest person I know. I know he loves me, what I do not know is if his religion will let him love me unconditionally. Thorny stuff to be sure.

So why tell them at all? Well because the new me, is going to pop out at some point. And I do not want them to hear it from others. For example, the now in progress, soon to be ex. And unless I can control it then I do not get to tell it my way. So I am thinking sometime in the next few months I need to venture to Western NY and sit with them and tell them a story. And then I will cry and then I will go away. And I can only hope that they will take me as I am and embrace who I need to be. It is going to be a mess.

But that is not the hardest bit to come. No that is going to be my kids. And this is the one that has probably caused my wife to act on getting the Evil Transsexual Daddy (ETD) out of the house. I need to go because of that "protect at all costs our so precious little cargo" thing. I am not sure I agree. But then again, I am about to be separated, because in large measure I do not agree about a lot of those kinds of things. And now that I look back on it, that protection thing is a big part of it, so protecting them from me being trans is just the same thing all over again isn't it!

But in order to keep the peace, I am going to have to lay low for a while. I suspect that in the separation agreement I will have to agree to present male to them at all times. I suspect this is going to get harder to do and at some point will be impossible. I will have moved out, they will learn to drive, what happens some night when my future 17 year old sits in my new driveway waiting for me because he had a dust up with a girlfriend, or mother, and I pull in in a skirt and heels... Go ahead laugh, I am. Guess the cat will be out of the bag then. Can it happen, ha, some variation on that theme will happen. Shoving me out of the house just delays it.

And is that how I want to tell my kids? Nope. I want to explain this. I want them to see that I am happy, or at least content, as a woman. I want them to get to know me again. Like me. Love me as their parent. And so as of now, I have no plan on how to tell them. My oldest turns 16 in Jan. He will probably want to learn to drive. I will teach him. The rest is just a matter of time and circumstance. So in the meantime how do I tell them hey, your mom really wants me out of the house so I don't mess you up mentally with this whole dad wants to be a girl thing. Oh, right I cannot tell them. So I am doing what? Yes that is right, I am going to lie to them. The part about mom and me not getting along, they already can see that. This will not be news. Me going, I want that not to be about me going. I did not choose that. She did. And so if I am going to be out of their day to day lives I am thinking she needs to explain why that is to them, not me. But of course that could mean I lose control of the message. But I am wondering if once you open your mouth on anything you automatically lose control, as others can take it, paraphrase it, usurp it.

I have had some people tell me that is the wrong idea, and you just tell them that you and her have mutually agreed to leave them out of things between the two of you. Normally I probably would feel this way. And maybe after a few weeks or months I will. Right now though, I feel like I am going to lose control of the story. And I feel betrayed and disappointed. And on my way out I want to plant the seed -- She asked me to go, and I agreed. And I am sorry it is that way and that I love you both (my sons) and that although you probably will not see me everyday from now on that you are in my heart every waking moment. That is the truth.

So in Spring that grass wakes up from the winter slumber and starts to grow, and a couple of warm days and some rain and next thing you know you need to fire up the mower. Because if you don't then you will get attention. And so I need to go sharpen the blade and check the oil and turn it over a few times just to make sure it is ready to mow, because there is some grass that is going to need a lot of trimming in the next few months, and I really do not need to add neighbors knocking on my door to the mix. Wish me luck with my "lawn care."

Shifting Sand

So I have learned over the years on various little construction projects that I have undertaken that the foundation is really important.  Yes I am a person that once dumped 9 yards of concrete into my back yard for piers to build a deck.  For those who do not know, that is the volume of a concrete mixing truck (or close to it).  And is the origin of the phrase "The whole 9 yards".  By the way, those are cubic yards, where 1 cubic yard is 3ft x 3ft x3ft, for the geometry challenged.  Basically, a shitload.

You can imagine the mass of that as the base of your wooden deck.  When I was done you could jump on the deck and it would vibrate less than the house it was "attached" to.  In fact, it was a free standing structure due to the codes in that county and the fact that a batch of 4th of July revilers once tumbled 35feet to the ground in a deck collapse a few years before.  I guess they did not take the whole 9 yards on that job.

But the point here is foundation.  A good one serves well, and a poor one, well it does not, or in some cases pretends to until it just fails or collapses.  And that brings us to the subject of today's post boys and girls.  The foundation of partnership.  Now as I have mentioned here in blogland before, I am married.  I have been so for almost 21 years.  And I have known my wife for another 10 years before that.  Basically a long long time.  We have had our ups and downs over the years.  Before we were married I told her about being trans, although in those days I did not know what to call it.  I never really had that "woman trapped in a mans body thing going", I was just me, with these thoughts.  So I shared them, and she asked me to dress up for her once.  And so I did, and she kind of thought I looked silly, and told me so.  And so I had come clean.

She asked me if I wanted to be a female at that time, and my response was I did not think it was practical, being 6ft tall, and large.  But I did tell her if I was 5-2 and 125lbs we might be having a different conversation.  You see I never figured I would pass, let alone possibly transition.  And at that time it was taboo.  And I figured if I got married, and was happy it just might go away.  I was wrong.

And so last fall she asked me that question again but slightly differently.  This time it was, "Can you tell me you don't want to be a woman?".  And my answer was no I cannot tell you that.  And thus goes my life to now, much of which you can read in the other posts.  But when this came to pass, I came out to her, and we discussed the fact that I am trans, her take was this was a medical problem, meaning it is endemic in my person.  I think she still believes that today.

What I do not think she has ever bought into is the part of choosing what to do about it.  So she told me, I will stay with you until you figure that out.  Then we will see.  That seemed like a fair offer for somebody who professes to love you, and whom you love.  I held out hope that we might be together if I transitioned.  But she had a caveat, she wanted a binding legal document describing her financial rights and security.  I agreed to work on that with her as it could contain rights for me as a transwoman.  Especially with respect to my children and timetable.

We started that process with lawyers, and as usual the lawyers move really slowly.  And so it was kind of a surprise to me this week when I came home one day and she said she wants a separation agreement and me to move out of the house.  The other agreement was off.  And we were to be separated.  Of course this is a precursor to divorce which in my state you have to wait a year for.  The out of the house thing is required too apparently.  So much for staying with me while I figure it out.

She says she changed her mind, and wants the space.  I want to be fair here, I am not trying to question or challenge what she has said.  If that is how she feels then that is how she feels.  I really cannot do anything.  But I cannot help but feel that the foundation moved.  And that only happens when you build on something weak, like sand.  And so one of two things has happened, my marriage was always built on sand,  or being trans has managed to pulverize concrete into its components which have no strength on their own (aka sand).    Or there is a middle, where part was sand, and concrete is in contact with saltwater (trans) and as a system it fails.  This is probably the case.

So I now find myself with the chore of finding a new place to live, and all that entails, and if you include the fact that I run a portion of my business from my home, it is more complex than just a move.  What it is, is a pain in my ass.  But I guess I need to get used to being beaten up again.  I used to get beaten up by the neighborhood bully everyday on the way home from school, I guess this is the same.

Now this also creates some other aspects to this shifting sand scenario.  If I am in my own place, I can be myself with out impediment.  Returning to "him" as required for work, family and social occasions.  This I think is a good thing for me, it will really give me that soak time I want and need.  And on the other hand, it will probably drive me to transition quicker.  So a double edged sword.  I doubt she has considered that aspect of this for me. But the bottom line is she changed her mind.  Something I have been accused of.  And I guess it is too much, with me being trans, for her to take for now.  So I will go away without a fight, other than I am only going to yield to her what is fair for me.

So you might forgive me if my post frequency goes down for a bit.  I will try and keep up with my reflections here from time to time but right now I have to bail water out to keep the ship from sinking, mind you I bail pretty good.  I have a lot of balls now in the air.  I need to get started on the rest of my life.  And I guess my new foundation wil be based on me, and nobody else, in point of fact that seems like a really good thing to do.  This time though, I am going to take the whole 9 yards and then some to be sure. 

Mass Effect

So this might not be clear to all of you, and I have not really called it out. But in the last 6 months I have lost over 50lbs. Now when you say that people do things like say, awesome, or way to go. What is telling is that I did not go on a weight plan, or diet program. What happened for me is I accepted being trans. Now don't let me get all rosy about it. I kind of started losing the weight in September when I knew there was something brewing with me.

I really forced the issue out in October and really hit bottom in November. There were a few dark days there, and I will post about them sometime, but not yet. Having survived those days, I took heart and realized that this was not the end of the world for me. And that things would be different going forward. Note I say different, not better. One of the things about being trans is people will ask you, well will changing make you happy? My answer is no, it won't. But it will make me different, and that probably has to be better than where I am now. I heard a great term for it at the Keystone conference. The Testosterone Haze. Yes, that is good. You can almost see though it, but you would prefer the sun to come out and burn it off. Then you would be able to see clearly.

And that is something that is happening to me. I figured out I had been looking through this haze. Now the first step in doing something about it is realizing it is there in the first place. I saw Donna Rose recently. She told a story, from her guy days. She was in a mall with wife, son and in-laws. Her son was being the usual teenage jerk, and she, being the dad, put her hand on his shoulder to get his attention. He flicked it away. This pissed her off, and she stepped in front of him and slugged him in the chest, knocking him to the ground. All this to the horror of then wife and in-laws. She tells that story to set a tone about why she had to stop being male. I so resonated with that. I know some other girls with similar tales. The Haze makes you crazy.

For me part of not embracing this I think was food. I ate. A lot. Think like oh, pachyderm size. At one point I was nearly 300lbs, now I lost some weight, years back, but it was not enough to keep me from the cardiologists knife. So in 2004, at the ripe old age of 42, a very skilled young man put an 8 inch slice in the middle of my chest. At the time I weighed like 270lbs. Several hours later and a couple of rerouted veins I woke up. And to my astonishment, still alive. About 8 hours later I got up and walked the hall. Twice. I needed to get out of there, my wife had cancer at the same time, and she needed me to be strong (think about that one). I became like a madman (yes, a guy). I worked the treadmill, I was on it so much in rehab they nicknamed me Seabiscuit. And you know what, I recovered, and got my wife though the chemo, and surgery and the radiation. And she just passed her 5 year mark a month ago. She will die someday, just not of this particular problem, or so I believe. And for me. I went back to eating.

Yep, I got below 250 in those days, and then ballooned back to 275 or so. Why you might ask, well I had my heart fixed but my head was still broken. So almost dying, and heart surgery (aka Double Bypass) did not motivate me to lose weight. Not the prospect of seeing my kids graduate, marry, maybe have kids some day. No none of that was enough to get better. Nope, it took recognizing that I am trans to do it. Now around my house that probably sounds bad, you mean you did not love us enough to do it, but you will do it so you can wear a dress?

I know it is not that simple, but the answer is, yeah. In my case I think it was much more of a you are eating because you are denying you are trans. And as long as you stay fat, you cannot consider transition as an option, nobody likes a fat chick. I should not say that, but I think it is mostly right too. But knowing I might be able to transition motivated me to try. So here is a statement, I need to transition so I do not die.

Now you have heard others like me say that before but for a different reason. They are usually talking about emotional things, mind body image etc. And I certainly have those things. But in my case I have come to believe that being male is killing me. Literally. The Testosterone Haze makes me make choices that will do it really easily. Eat a lot, be stressful, hit your kid more, rage in traffic. All of it. I have to transition so I can cure myself. No lie.

This may seem absurd. But I have done some research and there are links between heart disease, testosterone, stress, diabetes and a host of other issues. I am not a clinical scientist. Just an engineer. But I am certain the daily stress of being a guy, put me in the hospital and under the knife. And I do not want to go back, well at least not for that kind of surgery...

So off the weight comes. Each time my scale buddy crosses another decade I get excited. We are in the 220's now. When I look up the BMI average for a 6ft tall woman it is 25.6, or 194 lbs. Which means I need to lose about 30 more lbs to be an average tall woman. Mind you no estrogen yet. But once you lose 50, 30 looks easy. I suspect it is not, and if I want to look female, some of that weight needs some redistribution. So I know it will not be easy. But!

And I guess since I was changing me, I might as well change for the good. And being fat is bad, and so I will now work on skinny. And that is the one change in me that everybody can see, even when "he" is around. And the funny thing is everybody approves of this part of the transformation.

I already see a huge change, my face is leaner, my middle is lessened. And I can see exactly where the other 30 can come from. I looked thin enough to wear a dress to the gala! I figure the "E" will diminish muscle, and probably increase some fat. I hope a wash on weight. So can I be happy being average? Oh yes, you bet I can. Are you kidding. Two choices, an average weight tall woman or a fat man. Easy to choose.

So what does this all mean to me. Well it means that this runs deep. I would not change myself, being fat, for others. I would not do it because it was the right thing. No I did it so I might get into a size 18 skirt, which I do now, and I confess, a few 16s too. And that makes me happy. And if I am lucky, will make me live longer too. And since that living longer thing will mostly be girl time, it is worth the investment.

PS, I noted that I did not tell you how I did it. It is simple, I started eating like a girl. I asked myself what would Sharon eat, and how much. So I did. And wham, it just happened. I am on what I call the little white bowl diet. Whatever fits in the bowl I eat. I do not care what it is, I usually have whatever the rest of them are having. Mind you one helping. There is a little more to it than that, but not a lot.

Living This Way

So I am trying to find the magic balance point. "They" tell me there is one. But it feels a little like that point where you lean back in your chair, and it feels like the chair might tip over on you, so you catch yourself. And the adrenaline rushes in. I heard that you can get addicted to that, and then need a bigger fix. Next thing you know you Are jumping out of a plane with a piece of synthetic fabric packed by somebody you don't know, and that is the only barrier between you and the ground. All for the rush of it.

Me, I see no reason to jump out of a perfectly functioning aircraft. But that chair thing, that is real. And it makes me wonder about this stuff. Is letting the chair fall over transition, or is it letting the chair go back on all four legs. I am not sure. I kind of feel like you need to let the chair fall over. Once you are on the ground you pick it up and sit in it again. Now everybody saw what happened, some will say you did it to yourself, so you get what you deserve, others will say you were just dumb, and others will have concern, "are you all right" they will ask. Whereas if you just let the chair down on the legs, they will never notice. Yeah, I am going with the chair that tipped over.

So here I sit, teetering. Catching myself, teeter, catch again, teeter. One thing I can say is that it requires an active control system (yeah engineer speak, bear with the geek girl). You cannot "coast". You have to keep adjusting all the time just to stay up. And so you do, but even more so when trans. And to make it more interesting while you are teetering folks are tossing you objects to juggle. A whiffle ball, tennis ball, ping pong ball, oh here take this, a bowling ball. Every now and then they toss in a chain saw to juggle too. Did I mention it was running when tossed in. So there is a picture, teetering chair, bowling ball, and chainsaw all at once. There now you have a picture of being trans that is closer to reality.

Girls that tip over, they are full time. They get up, put the chair upright, on all the legs, albeit the chair is now "oriented" differently. The juggling, it goes on, that would be what we normally call, living. But now the chair is on four legs and the chain saw ran out of gas. So a challenge, sure, easier than doing it all while teetering, yes.

And so that is how this kind of feels right now. Because FT is out, due to many constraints. Many of which I have covered in this blog, some not. But if you are middle aged trans, and I contend that is different than being say, college age, or teen age, empty nest age, or even retirement age, it is harder. Now I know I am going to get mail from the folks in those groups saying how it is hard too and all. But I want to say, nah. You are not in my heels, and aside from the retirement age, and empty nest folks, I have been in yours. So puhlease, do not give me a lecture. And heck the empty nest folks and retirement age folks were probably just like me, and held off for the same reasons. Bet I get no letters from them, other than in commiseration.

My transition, when it comes in earnest, will effect more than just me, if you are middle aged you know. You see there is wife and kids, and my parents who are now getting on and have become dependent on me for their long term welfare. I have my own company, and although you want to think that would be the best place to be to transition, you would be wrong. Because a lot of my business depends on me. And if I transition I am playing with the lives of some 30 odd other people not to mention their spouses and children. So I feel responsible for not just me, not just mine, but theirs too. And so when you have like 100 people counting on you for food on their table, you pause and ask, what am I putting into play here? Is this a good choice?

So for now, I need to bolster that stake and make sure what I have built can weather the coming storm. That my company can be less about me and more about itself. This is padding for when the chair finally does fall over. So I need to work on that, but it is a bowling ball, and will make the fall harder. And hard to juggle in the meantime, especially when you need to be yourself gets stronger each passing day. Sometimes you really do want the chair to tip. Even better have somebody push it, then you can say you had no choice.

I have heard those stories. Girls who were not quite ready to go yet. Told a friend about things, the friend could not deal with it, or is a blabbermouth. Next thing you know, the cat is out of the bag, not under your control anymore. Maybe it never was. Maybe you only think it was under your control, an illusion. Next thing is you are parked in the bosses office, or if you are lucky, seeing the HR person where they actually have a policy. I will be writing mine, I guess, for me. Who knows with recent revelations I might find one of my people is trans too. I am beginning to doubt the statistics. I wonder if it is more like 1 in 100, or at least that among technical people. I have some really good anecdotal evidince to support that idea. In one case a 1 in 6 number, but I have kind of touched on that elsewhere recently.

What is the impact of me coming out? I have no idea. Yeah that sounds weak. But for me to guess what it means to my business partners, to my employees, to my customers, to my extended family, to my kids. I have no idea, I can only hope they will take it well. And realize that I am still me, just different, better I hope. So in the meantime, I need to establish the pace. And the frequency of all of this. I need to temper that with the need to keep the chair steady. It is going to take a lot of energy, I hope I do not get too tired, that is when you make goofs, drop a ball or two, teeter with more oscillation. All bad things.

Aside from group meetings I think conferences are going to be a big part of that for me. They are safe for the most part. Artificial, yes. So in June I will go to the Be-All in Chicago, and in September I will go to SCC in Atlanta too. This all part of the "soak time" plan. I have the means, I need to do it. And it just might keep the chair from tipping over in the meantime.

Keystone Comments

So I have had several posts here about the Keystone Conference (The last 5 or so). But I have not put down my overall impressions. I had written an event by event email for folks in my support group. But decided not to send it. I guess because it seemed to be pretentious to me. I mean I know many of those girls want to know what it was like. And some could not go because of work, or cost, or conflict, or just plain fear.

And that was the thing that surprised me personally. My diminishing fear. I had been told about it. Some of my friends have said, you go out as a girl, nothing bad happens, you feel good, you do it again. Eventually you start to ask yourself, well why can't I do this all the time? I would say, you probably can, but at what cost to you when those close at hand find out and do not understand. Anyhow, that is not the topic of this post.

Here is the thing at the conference, or at least this conference, as I only have a sample size of one. Everybody is there for the same reason, or at least this is what I saw. To stop being alone in dealing with what we are. To embrace it, to share it, and enjoy it. And boy, did I ever enjoy it.

I saw a host of girls (and a few guys) there, some are CD, some TS, some FT, some Post. Nobody cared. I made some new friends and I do not really care what their "flavor" is. That is between them, and their maker, and potentially their family and spouse. And yes there were a lot of spouses present.

The organizers were awesome, Kristy, Jeanine, and the other central PA girls were great. Friendly, open, approachable, sharing and caring. I might even tag along with my friend Natasha who goes to their group from Baltimore some time for a visit.

As to the execution of the conference. I told this directly to Kristy and Jeanine, I know that sometimes it looked like chaos to you being behind the scenes, but to us out here, it ran like a Swiss watch. The hotel staff, outstanding and professional. Transportation, spectacular. The venue selection, marvelous. The program and sessions, amazing. The speakers captivating. Even when there was a minor hiccup, it was nothing and handled quickly and matter of fact. And as a first time event these girls have it down. I heard people comparing it to IFGE and saying it was a better run effort by a long shot. And imagine this, a ballroom with something like 150+ TG attendees, in, of all places, Harrisburg PA.

Now I also know they came up a bit short on their costs. But a number of girls, myself included, pitched in to try and square things up. Thank you to Cheryl, "Miss Congeniality" for spearheading that effort. I hope they got close to breaking even.

And as a new girl, and new to these things, I now have a benchmark for what a well run conference should look like. Let's hope these others can hold a candle. I will be comparing as I am going to Be-All in June, and who knows, maybe SCC too. I expect to be back at the 2010 version of Keystone. Heck, you might even find me helping out ...

When Worlds Collide

I don't know if you are old enough to remember that one. It was a scifi book written in the 30's and then made into a movie in the 50's. The story is of how the Earth is destroyed by a passing planet. The film actually won an academy award for special effects. It was kind of the Star Wars of it's day. The story line is also credited with the genesis of the Flash Gordon series. But in the original, the doomed Earthlings manage to build spacecraft, "Noah's Arks" of sorts and manage to get to the surviving planet to live on for another day.

Great Sharon, thanks for the scifi history lesson. What this post about?

Well this past weekend, I had worlds that collided. And I seem to have survived it as well. As I have explained, last Thursday I went to the Keystone Conference in Harrisburg. Now I had purposely selected that venue for several reasons. First it was three days, and that seemed like a nice number for me to try 24/7 on. Meaning not too long, not too short. Turns out, it probably could have been longer, a lot longer, but that is another post. Secondly I could get there in a reasonable drive. Third it was not too expensive. Fourth, I knew some girls from my local group would be there. And lastly, it was far enough away from where I normally hang my hat (as a guy) that the likelihood of being "outed" by running into somebody (who is not from my trans world) was really really low. After all it is over 100 miles away.

And so on items 1-4, spot on. And on the fifth one, well what are the odds of running into somebody you know, like 20%?, 50%?, guess again. 100%. Yes, bingo. How about the somebody you know being trans? Ok, that defies the odds.

On Friday evening there was a reception for attendees. I went and had a few drinks, a very nice thing as none of us had to drive for the evening. And on my way out of the reception to go get dressed for the evening I spied a person out of the corner of my eye. She was enfemme, but in a sort of natural way, and truth be told, looked a lot like she does as a guy (this is not meant as a slight, it was just that I managed to easily recognize her).

Well I knew her, and far as I knew up to that point, as he. You see we worked for the same company over 10 years ago, meaining my office was like five doors from hers, and have been in a fantasy football league together (something I was going to give up this year as it is a affectation of my make persona, I could actually care less about it at this point) for almost 15 years! She has been to my home, and I hers.

At first I thought it was a goof, meaning somebody that I thought looked like him, er her rather. But she was on the bus for dinner, and they said her name, and the last name was the same. So I knew then I had a challenge. Later I stood in front of her several times Friday night, and we actually looked each other in the eyes several times during the evening and I saw no recognition on her part. She did not know me. I was, "stealth". A good thing to know for the future if I need it.

Mind you Sharon looks a lot different than "Him" I guess. And I did not have my nametag on, and I had decided to use my real last name at the conference. But basically she did not figure out it was me. And so now I had a dilemma. Do I approach her on Saturday? Or do I not, would her knowing I know cause a problem. I was trying to think about what this means for me as well. I suspected she would be pleasantly surprised. We always got along.

So I go up to my former co-worker on Saturday morning, she is standing with her spouse in the hotel lobby, I say, Hi I am Sharon, there is something I have been meaning to talk to you about. She says hi Sharon, nice to meet you, but has a puzzled look on her face. I hand her my nametag. Which has my real last name on it. And then, her eyes widen, and she looks up at me and in my eyes and then has the revelation. She says, oh hon, give me a hug, arms open. She had no idea it was me.

Apparently my weight loss, change from wearing glasses, and of course presenting female totally threw her. We spent the day catching up, sat together for lunch and dinner, figured out that we have common trans friends, amazing. And it turns out she is now the membership chair for the another support group in my area. I said, you guys have some kind of secret interview process or something, she said yes, and that I had essentially just completed it.

Her spouse is totally supportive at this time and was by her side throughout the weekend. She has offered to meet and talk with my SO, and they proposed that maybe we all go to dinner together, with me and "J" (She is not out yet) in boy mode of course. We will see how that works, things are a bit strained with my SO. I could not picture her at my side at such a conference. And that was one thing that did surprise me about the conference, the number of spouses present. My hat is off to these, mostly, women. Who have decided to support their partners in their quests. It shows real love.

The nice thing is "J's" SO really wants to help me work this out, she took a real shine to me, came and got me as as I entered for the Gala and dragged me to a seat at her table and all, she is very sweet. And I guess I got a wish, I wanted a GG friend, that knew about me. And now I do.

So my worlds did collide. And what I had feared, yet again, seems to have converted to a plus. I now have two new friends, who are old friends. Who I do not have to explain any of this to. And who "get it" and who are actually "encouraging" me to continue on my path. That is remarkable.

So just like the characters in the film, I managed to survive the collision and tell the tail, and I also ended up on a new world to explore. Pretty cool.

Trans Discrimination - Yes it happend to me

Ok so I am new, and this is probably old news. I got told I could not go to the bathroom.

Yes I know that seems pretty silly on the surface of it. Here is the situation, I am at the Keystone Conference and we have a night out at a local horse track/casino. And of course, I am en femme. So I am thinking I have just finished dinner and of course you want to freshen up (he he, never thought I would ever say that about myself, but I totally get it now). So I start looking for the ladies room in the casino, because we have been told, go to the room that matches your presentation. I am am female, so you go to the ladies room, right. The answer is, it depends...

And so as I approach, I see one of the other girls. Now I like this girl, and she is trying very hard, and is sweet, but she is clocked pretty quickly. And she is standing with this sort of gruff bouncer looking guy and she grabs my elbow and drags me into the conversation.

It would seem that this fellow is security. And security says, we cannot use the ladies room. My friend seems upset at this. The security guy explains, there have been complaints from the patrons. I ask, tonight? He says no, in the past. I said, oh so this is a policy now? He says, yes and that "you people" should know. I have been a white male my whole life, and now I am in a fully persecutable minority. Talk about a "transition". And I have never had anybody refer to me as "you people". But I guess things change...

Now to his credit, he has plan "B". Separate but equal apparently (where have we seen this before). There are family bathrooms with locking doors, and those are the ones they want us to use. And he reiterates, "you should know that already". Like we are all clairvoyant. Or it is in the Casino handbook, "Warning: persons who are presenting female, but maybe make our patrons uncomfortable that they might not really be female, or female enough, or might still have some boy parts, or maybe you are a Lesbian, or well anything that does not make us comfortable, or whatever I do not like, should use the family bathrooms to make the rest of us feel OK. Thank you for your patronage, and don't mind the door when it hits you on the way out"

He almost says "family bathrooms", like we should prefer them to using the ladies room as we would have more privacy. Oh yes, much better to hide, that would help, as I stand there in my skirt, boots, makeup, hair and handbag. Yes, I want to hide, that is my goal. After all, they are all wondering what is under the skirt I guess.

I tell this person, you know, we don't "know" it and we have been advised to use the ladies room. And that if somebody did go in there, then it was because they were unaware. But I told him, lets go get one of the group organizers so you can tell her of the policy. We go find her and she lights this guy up.

Now she was right, about the policy being basically unenforceable. I mean there were some post-op and FT girls in the group, are they going to ask to see their license to let them in to the bathroom? It does make me wonder what I might have done if I had an F on my drivers license. The security guy was black, and she made this point. How about if the signs said colored and white. He took hold of that immediately and said he understood, but did not make policy. Now, he changes his tune a little bit when asked about the complaint thing, now he says it was tonight. I suspect a fib to make us go away. We agree to tell everybody to use the family bathrooms, and the situation diffuses quickly. And we thanked him for being polite and courteous. You draw more flies with honey than vinegar.

But this all gave me pause. I got drawn into something that I had ignored to date. It is not that I don't know about such things. And expect them, and have a desire to change and educate. That is all there, it is just that as I am in the process of figuring "me" out, and I am not "out" per se, I am not sure I am ready to be an activist. I am not saying I don't want to be one, I am saying I am not ready to be one. I have enough to do with getting me sorted. But I had my first experience where another girl sought me out as an ally in public. Which makes me wonder, why did she pick me, there were like 16 other girls there, was I just the closest one? I do not know.

And I guess this is the thing I am trying to wrap my head around. If I choose to be full time, do I have to be an activist? It almost seems so. Now maybe not an in your face type, but perhaps a micro activist, do it in little doses. And see if you can win them over with a smile, rather than a threat. I am thinking this is who I am right now. What bothered me in this incident was, I went and got our group organizer, not because I felt I needed her to be my advocate, but as the person responsible for the group, she needed to know there was an issue. All the arguments she made, I was actually ready to make with this person, but it was not my group, even though I was a member.

And in the end, I was about to go into the ladies room myself, but I did not see him moving to stop me, just my friend. Now I do not know if that is because he was engaged with my friend, or I did not seem to look to threatening or maybe in his mind I fit his norm of a woman close enough that he did not feel in bounds to do something about it. And I guess that made a difference too. If he had stopped me, I might have shown him my carry letter. And he might have still refused to let me in, but I suspect that having that might have made it legitimate enough for him.

And so to sum this up. Two big things for me.

First, I guess am already an activist by circumstance. I don't get a choice. It happened the moment my friend asked for my help. I am thinking she did not know how new I was at this. I did get a fair amount of disbelief at the conference. And as a guy I am a leader type, and I am wondering how that manifests in me as a woman. So I might be stuck with this, it could just be a feature. So lets just say for now, I am a situational activist. I will not fight, but I will make them think.

And second, much of rest of the world does not get what we are. To them we are a menace of some kind, predators, waiting to pounce on their kids, or them, or something. I get that we make them uncomfortable, even if we present well, and once they find out they often do not know what to do. But it is discrimination, no different than black and white, or gay and lesbian, or pick your issue. I am sure they do not check at the door of the ladies room to see if you are a lesbian, or the men's room if you are gay. And not that I am trying to say anything about that but it would seem to me that being trans, based on what I know about most of us, should probably much less of a concern among the public, but fear of what you do not understand always trumps intellect. And I guess that next time I go to use a facility I am going to have to think about my choice before I enter, so as to decide am I looking to conform to their comfort, or am I just trying to be accepted as what I am.

Or to put it another way, sometimes you just want to go pee and touch up your lipstick.

I Met Donna Rose

Yes, I know shameless ego plug I guess. But I have been looking at her for years as a model. And to hear her talk in person and meet her and chat was awesome. Now to the common ground. She is a few years older than me but she grew up not more that 20 miles away from where I grew up. And she also attended the same university with me in the early 80's, we both went to Syracuse. We actually were on campus at the same time for a few years. Small world...

Where's The Kaboom?

Dunno if you know the reference so I will fill it in. Marvin Martian of Buggs Bunny fame says that followed by "There was supposed to be an earth shattering kaboom". I like Marvin a lot. He has some interesting trans characteristics. First off if you go look (click the link for the pix) he is cross dressed, now I know that green mini was intended to be a kind of Roman or Greek thing, but seriously, I think I saw a new girl wear that to group recently.

Secondly, he is in hiding, meaning you cannot really see who he is under that helmet? And his demeanor is hardly manly. So I am thinking Marvin might actually be Marsha or something. But you know I can wait for her to realize it. :)

Marvin is close to me for another silly reason, he is how I figured out my femme voice. You see I can do some of those cartoon voices. Not well enough to replace Mel Blanc, may he rest in peace, but not too bad either. Good enough for a party trick. And so I had read someplace that if you can do that and have that kind of control then you should be able to alter your voice. I talk a lot about voice in another post, go look for it, probably sometime in Feb 09. See I started with Marvin and ended up with Sharon, someday I will post some audio so you can see how that works, mind you, I do not sound like Marvin so get that out of your head.

But that is not the subject of this post anyhow, the subject is the "kaboom". You see in the cartoon in question Marvin is going to destroy the earth and Bugs thwarts that by pulling out the fuze or something. And Marvin utters those words. Now he is not so much mad as he is surprised because the thing he expects, or has been told will happen, did not...

And so it seems for me too.

You see I just spent 3 full days as the woman I was supposed to be. Thursday noon to Sunday noon. Yeah, I know you are saying isn't that kind of 4 days, yes it is but I was 24/7 so in that sense, 72 hours, nonstop. Big deal right, actually, yes. If you go back one post, I had added up my Sharon time, and it had been about 49 hours total, and so, I doubled it and then some. Yay!

So you might be asking "So what is the big deal Sharon?". Well it kind of is, if you have not been yourself for most of your life and you get the chance to be you, for something other than a meeting or a dinner or just an evening it is a way to validate that this is not just a curiosity. Mind you, I already know that it is not "just a curiosity", but it is really important to me to do two things.

The first is what I call soak time, I need time to get comfortable as me, and if you are trans you know exactly what I mean. Last night, I wore a dress, in public, for the first time in my life, I had really nice strappy sandals on. I did not stumble or fall, not once! I felt pretty, I don't know if I was, but I felt that way. I danced in those shoes, something I never do as a guy (the dancing part). And I loved it! And the point is, I need that kind of time, with no rush, no hurry to absorb the finer points of who I am as a woman. I need to bake as her.

The second thing, I need it for those who will question me later, "Well how do you know this is what you want?", "Are you sure?", "You know in the real world women......add your comment here." So when that day comes, where I tell people, this is probably something more than a passing fancy I can point to long extended periods of time as time in my log book (think pilot). So later when I go solo, they will say, hey, has she logged enough hours in that thing? And the answer will be yes!

So back to the kaboom. "Everybody" told me that I would crash after the conference. I would go back to drab, and get bummed, and lament, and have a blue Monday. And although it is not quite Monday, and yes, 12 hours ago I was myself (a girl silly), having breakfast with friends I did not crash afterwords, in fact the whole drive home I was smiling. Why, because I planned this as a mission. I was going to see how 24/7 was for me. The answer is, wonderful. I want it. Ok there, that makes me happy. And so now I look forward to the next experience where I can do that (which will be in June or so). Now maybe come Tuesday or Wednesday I will feel different, but I do not think so. I am not looking at these past three days as something I left behind, and pine for. They were the foundation to build on. And as the woodworker I am, if the mason is done, then the fun part begins for me. And that mason, did a fine job with the foundation.

And so, no kaboom. At least not one I can tell you about. I don't think it is coming. I think it is a fiction for me. My issues of wife, kids and work and being trans are still the same, I am still trans, really do not expect that to change. What I do have now is I know a lot more people like me (for context there were like 150 of us in one room), and that is good for me. I saw a lot of diversity within our "kind" and that was good for me too. But I am thinking now no crash, no burn for me, no kaboom. I am too busy thinking about the next thing to have that happen.

I'll be posting more impressions in coming days, including some interesting real world meets trans world things so stay tuned.

Stepping Out

So, so far in my meager feminine existence I have been been myself for about a total of 49 hours. That might sound silly to some of you but it is a fact. That basically amounts to appearing in a public setting as myself, at hmm, 6 support group outings, and one trip to the movies. I guessed that between the meeting, and the dinners after and such that I average about 7 hours as Sharon per outing.

You are saying, And so? Well that is not a lot of time, considering there are all of 24 hours in a day. As I have indicated many times in this blog, I am not allowed to be myself at home as my wife fears what effect it will have on my children, so group is it for me, and means a trip to a hotel for the event to occur. Now if you were a "weekend warrior" that might be ok, but if you are trans, it is not. Because all you are doing is sticking your big toe in the water when you really need to be learning to swim.

So what is the remedy for a girl like me. How do I get some "soak time" in a relatively safe environment. How about something like going to support group but not. The answer is a conference. And in a few hours, I will load my truck (yes the truck again) with samples from my new wardrobe and point it towards Harrisburg, PA where the Keystone Conference will be held over the next 3 days. I really have almost no idea what to expect, as there will probably be all sorts of T-people there. Some like me, some not so much. The thing that is important is that sometime just after noon on Saturday I will have doubled the total time I have been me in the real world. You see, I am going to this conference 24/7 as a girl. And that will be a first for me.

Am I scared. Oh yeah, on two major fronts though, and maybe not on the ones you expect. The first one is can this girl stand the unforgiving scrutiny of daylight. You see at about 1:45PM or so tomorrow (Thursday, and it has probably already happened as I suspect you are reading this after that time) I will have yet another first. I will walk out of a hotel, get into my car or walk to a salon and have my nails done. And I will do it as a woman. Now that does not seem like a lot, unless you consider, that I have never been in public in daylight (only at night), and 60 days ago I had never been in public, ever! And I wish I could tell you I have years of closet "dressing" but that answer is no as well, I did not even own a pair of pantyhose much before Christmas 2008.

The second item of fear, is this. I am afraid of Sunday morning. You see Sunday morning girls like me whither up and die. At least those of our kind who have not come to the conclusion that this is who they should be all the time. Most of them will pack up their pretty dresses, and take their makeup off and go back to their normal male selves. And so will I (probably) and return to my dull mundane existence. But my fear is, that I won't.

I am worried that I am going to like being fully immersed, that I won't mind having to take my makeup off before bed. That although my shoes are going to make my feet hurt that I like they way they look more. That I don't have to "man up" for any situaiton. That I can tell a friend her top is cute, or ask her about her shoes, or what shade is that lipstick? Without being thought of as odd or bizarre. That somebody might complement me on my appearance, my makeup, my clothes or some other thing. That I won't be able to smile as much, because as a woman I smile a lot more.

I am worried, I won't want to go back to being him. That I will just get up Sunday morning, get dressed, and get back in the truck and go home, checking my makeup in the rearview mirror. That I will hop out when getting home, and just tell them all, sorry, after three days I just could not turn it off. So you are stuck with me this way for good now.

Actually, I am not really worried at all. I know I am already going to have those feelings. Well I do not know it for a fact but there is some really strong trends that way. So it is not the worry that I will feel this way, I will. It is the worry about will I be able to maintain my cool, and put the girl away, so that she can come back on another day on her terms, and, if she has been good, stay more than three days. Maybe a week next time. And then after that, well we'll see.

Parts is Parts - Or so they tell me

So this post is about body parts. Or more accurately, unsatisfactory body parts. Ah now the voyeurs rub their hands together. She is going to talk about her crotch in this one. Surprise. No I am not. And now the reader pauses and says, well why the hell not, isn't that the most important thing for you Transsexuals. In short, no, it is not.

I am not saying it is not important, I am saying it is not the most important thing. Now the rest of the world is sitting up and taking notes. What the hell is she talking about, of course it is the most important thing! Nope, nada, nein, nyet, not the most important. The most important thing is your face. Yep, the face. Lets consider. When you first meet somebody, guys I am up here, there you go, you look at the face. Or at least women do, I know that guys often do a precursory look to see if you have a face, and if it is not show stopper they go for the boobs next. Hey, dopey, what color are my eyes, back up here. And so it goes. But as some of my friends say, passing is 90% from the neck up. And based on recent experience I would say that is true as long as you can creep up on somebody and be there without them taking a long look at you from a distance.

Which in my case, they would say, wow, she is a big girl. Mind you, I do not think they would say, huge, fat, morbidly obese, or OMG it is moving towards us, run! Just wow that girl has big shoulders and is tall. And, she could stand to lose a few pounds. Of course the last bit is under my control, and although I don't have any before shots of me as Sharon, I have lost almost 50 lbs since September 2008. Which as of now is like 8-10 lbs per month, and I survived the holidays with out ballooning. Goodyear, take note, the competition is off, you win.

I am actually lucky in some ways, first off, I am tall, and while that presents it's own issues, which I will talk about in a moment, it provides me a few things. For one, as a transwoman, I think I would rather be tall with big shoulders than short with big shoulders. At least they can look at me and say, I bet she played sports, and they would be right, Swimming and Volleyball. And unless you have not looked lately, all of those Olympic swimmer girls have, you guessed it, big shoulders.

Here go look, you will see what I mean, I will wait here.

Dara Torres
Dara, again, yes that is the same woman
Amanda Beard

And as for volleyball...

Carrie Dodd
Carrie and teammate
Brazillian Girls

There is no question these are women, and beautiful ones at that. So can I be a big girl, probably, what I cannot be is fat, which I have control over and not quite as muscular, which getting rid of the "twins" and by "better living though chemistry" I can reduce. But not eliminate. So what does that mean, It means every now and then I say, when asked about being a big girl, well when I was young I was a swimmer and played volleyball. And they will go, ahh... And if I am lucky somebody will think that is sexy, see other posts on who.

So lets cover tall. I am 6-0, and while I know there are a lot of girls taller, most of them are shorter. What does that mean? It means when you walk into the room, they are going to look. Not because you are trans, but because you are tall. And I want to say, that is ok, and that we have entered the era of the tall woman. Heck, the First Lady is 5-11, without her heels, it helps that the President is 6-1 1/2. Assuming he wears normal men's shoes, when she is in a 3 inch heel, she's about the same height as him, equals in all respects (well she does have the advantage of being female, but that is another post).

But if you are tall, and trans, I make the contention that if you do not want extra attention, then just make sure you look like a woman for your age who just happens to be tall. Look at tall women online (Brook Shields comes to mind, but there are many others). Go sit at the mall, look for tall women, yep they are there, and there are a lot of them these days. Probably benefit of good diets, genetics etc. The catch with tall for me, is other things are big too...

Namely feet. I wear a woman's 13, wide or e x t r a w i d e, remember the swimming thing, think flippers. Oddly enough, for years I wore a man's 13 too. I know there is some thing about sizes and differences etc. etc. But don't ask me about it, the 13s fit, and are just at the edge of being "normal" for a girl, which means sometimes they are on the rack at Payless, and I can buy them online without getting stuck buying the fetish woman's (aka tranny) shoes.

When I was first getting started I was worried that my feet were too big to be a girl. Now I am less so, but there are little things that are assumed, for example with boots, apparently if you have size 13 feet you are supposed to have legs like tree trunks too. Thankfully, I do not. But my feet are not "feminine", they are mostly guy feet, and so I am still leery of sandals and shoes that show my toes. I will probably get over it, as I have heard of no surgery that makes your feet smaller, and even if there were, that sounds really painful.

Hands, yep, got 'em. And well, they really are guy hands, I see a lot of girls (transwomen) who actually have hands that look like a normal woman's hands. These girls should be really happy with that. Oh to be a little daintyer (is that a word? the spell checker does not think so). So in order to fool everybody, I need nails, now to date I have only grown them a bit, and put some clear on them, but I will tell you they look good, until I manage to break them doing guy stuff during the week, the thumbs are almost always the first to go. And so I know that line, "oh crap, I broke a nail", and the lament that goes with it. Because now when I have that perfect outfit on, and my nails look bad, that makes me unhappy.

Of course not being FT it takes away a lot of options for nails. For one, acrylic nails, and tips are out, as you have to look like a guy the rest of the time. I am going to a conference this month for three days, step one, a nail salon for that french I have been dying for since accepting being trans. Nothing over the top in length, despite her politics, think Sarah Palin, I know, I know, she is a demonic beast, but, she looks good and I have to give at least that to her, then she opens her mouth and destroys the illusion of somebody you wanted to have coffee with. Ok, so I had not intended to put political stuff in here, and will now shut about about that.

So what is left, arms and legs and butt and middle and boobs. Ok just everything. Legs, I shave them, and you know what, the tall thing, well it almost works. Yeah, from just below the crotch down my sex change is complete. I mean I am ok with how they look. I wore a skirt to group recently, nobody said, um hon, stick with pants. Maybe they did not notice, this is good too, maybe they were being polite, maybe my impression of myself is ok, and I do already have mostly girl legs. Dunno, you tell me.

Arms, well again, not sure you can shorten them, but I know that chemistry over time will make them slimmer and less muscular, and I am probably going to be happy when I no longer have to be the person that opens the jars. The other thing with arms is hair, well I think I am lucky there as it is pretty light. I do trim it a bit, lets see where the chemistry takes that too.

Torso, ah that thing, well this is my downfall, as it is for many a middle aged "guy", the pudge. Yeah I am killing it off bit by bit, and will keep going and I am sure that hormones move some of it around. But the problem is you really do not have a figure per se. It has to be "constructed". But like the garden that is overgrown it is hard to see what you really have until the brush is cleared. So I'll need to finish losing the pounds, take some chemistry for a while and then see what we have. I will say this, unless you are in a bikini, having boobs can take the focus off your tummy.

And I am one of those barrel chested types, ick. So what am I to do about that, I can only hope with the weight loss and the muscle loss and with the addition of boobs, you might not notice it so much. I have heard that some girls actually have ribs removed to change their torso, this seems pretty radical, but I guess I get where they are coming from. If I ever decide to do that I will certainly allow the reader the chance to look in an ear to see if light is shining through from the other side.

So with respect to that, one of my first investments were real honest to god silicone breastforms. Now I know these cost money. But let me tell you from my personal experience, nothing builds a girl's confidence by having natural looking and feeling breasts. And next to my hair, these are what make me feel most feminine. When I am dressed properly, and I can feel them, when I look down and see them, when I cross my arms and they are there. I know I am presenting correctly and it makes me happy. Girls if you can afford it at all, get some.

Now of course there is the thing of size. And here is how I arrived at things for me. I looked at mom. I have no sisters, alas, unless my brother wants to tell me something he's been hiding too... So the nearest boobs, are moms. And mom is 5-10, and has a "C". And so shall I. And so my forms bring me to a "C" as well. The size around almost does not matter, my chest is what it is, but the proportional ratio is what matters to me. So a "C". What do I think hormones will do for me, a "B" if I am lucky. Will that be enough, dunno, ask me when they arrive. If not, then I really do not have much issue with getting them augmented, but again, only to the "C" that I think I would have had had I been able to do something about this in my youth.

And so that brings me back to my mug. When I started this I was certain I needed FFS. How could I not! But in recent weeks I am getting used to looking at her. I seem to be doing ok with my makeup. I was going for soccer mom and I think I got it. I have been losing weight and I think that has made a big change too. So I am inclined to see where it goes, more weight loss, some time with hormones, and some soak time as me. Will I get that nose job, probably, get rid of those bags under the eyes, yep. Maybe a few other tweaks. And these are things that any late forty year old woman might be considering. Do I need an entire "face off" thing, I don't know, it really depends on how things are when (should I say if?) I go FT, but at the moment, the woman in the mirror is growing on me.

Post and Beam - How to build

So in case I forget it, I want to tell you I am "rounded". That means I know how to do a bunch of stuff, some of which is not actually just my job. One of those things is woodworking and carpentry, yeah I know, not really girly is it. All those manly power tools and things. Actually CandiFLA and I have that in common, I too have some very nice Milwaukee power tools. And I know how to use them. But I digress.

What this post is about is not woodworking, but moreover a concept in woodworking. You see one of the really neat things about woodworking is that you, for the most part, figure out clever ways to stick two pieces of wood together to make something. And of course you stick another piece on and so on until you have made something useful, or beautiful and if you are really lucky, it is both. But the trick is picking out how make those connections. And there are good ways and bad. For example, you could just plop some glue down between them and let it dry and hope for the best.

We have seen how that turns out sometimes when our discount store purchased dresser or chair falls apart. Usually it is the glue that gave up, and the rest of the structure failed to hold it together. But in really good joinery (yes that is what we call it), the glue is often incidental. Meaning even if it did fail, it would not matter. And in excellent joinery, you don't even need the glue at all. And in those cases, the materials, mesh and meld to make something more durable than they were alone.

If you manage to build things that way, they will be useful 100 years from now, no lie. Assuming you took decent care of the piece and did not leave it out in the elements or subject it to extremes of temperature and humidity. For example, the Stradivarius violin hundreds of years old is still sought by professionals today. Around the world there are homes and structures that were built using these joinery techniques, often referred to as post and bean, or mortise and tenon construction. With proper care such buildings could last 1000 years, and in Europe some have.

So if these methods are so good, why don't we make everything that way. Well two reasons, cost, and speed. If you are going to build with post and beam, you usually need to make all of the parts yourself, and likely right at the site. So you need tools, materials, know how, and help. You are not going to lift that 500lb beam yourself. Picture the image of the barn raising from the film Witness, that is how they really get built.

Of course we don't often have a community of skilled craftspeople on tap to work such things so we take it slower and more methodically. And get the help when we possibly cannot do it ourselves or can afford it. We call in an expert. And those things take time. And cost something. And thus, there is a tendency to take the easy path, the shortcut, the rapid road.

So what does this have to do with being trans you might ask. Well, everything frankly. You see, if you are trans, and you believe you need to do something about it then you have taken on quite the construction project. I am not going to cover the litany of things you can do to feminize yourself, go Google that stuff, there is plenty of info out there. But what I do see is that girls (and I am sorry that I only have the MtF perspective, as I am one) get into a rush. And I am reminded of an old saying in my Engineering business, you can have it fast, cheap or working, choose any two. And so those girls who go quick and are successful got fast and working, but it was not cheap.

Some who know me will say, hey Sharon that sounds like a load of crap, you seem to be going really fast. They are almost right. What I am doing is working quickly to get my materials in stock, my site prep done and my plans complete. And once those are in place, then I expect to build at a very slow pace. Why you might ask? Simple, I want to be built to last.

I saw a girl at group a few weeks ago, she was new, mind you I fit that description a few months ago. But I could see that she was actually much "newer" than me. Her presentation was that of a teenager, she had on nutty fetish shoes, and frankly, she looked like a tranny, oh and she was in her late 30s. She professed to be transsexual, and had apparently started hormones. But she had not yet learned anything really about being a woman. She was ready to come out at work. And then she made a comment. I want the doctor to jack up the hormones, I can take it. I need to get there as fast as I can. This floored me.

I mean, if I could snap the fingers, and be there tomorrow that might be awesome. It probably would come at some cost though, most of the real world is not magic. And so I said to this girl, hon, this is like baking a cake, you do not cut the time in half by doubling the temperature of the oven. The moderator thanked me for that analogy as it is spot on. Now I have some friends that do not completely agree with this, they think you should go as fast as you can without jeopardizing your health. And that is probably a good idea, but I guess my question is, if I rush, am I building with post and beam, or am I just using glue. And it kind of feels like glue to me.

So for me, this is going to take a while, not the deciding what I want to build part. That is pretty much done. I need to figure out a whole life thing, not just do I want boobs, and when. This is a complete construction project. Site prep, materials prep, foundation, plans, permits, and expert craftsman may need to be called in, masons, electricians, plumbers among others. This is going to take some time. How long, who knows, but it ain't gonna be done next week. Years I would guess and considering I do not have my permits worked out yet, it might be a very long time. In the mean time, I think I will go look at some siding, I hear there is a lovely cedar shake I can use.

Married and Trans

So I do talk about being married in here, and I think it is appropriate to do so. As I have explained my wife knows about all of this. I do not think she reads my blog, or has seen many of my photos or anything. So "all of this" is a relative term. As of a month or two ago I now sleep in the guest bedroom. The small changes I have made seem to make her uncomfortable.

And since sex now seems to be out of the question, and it would be at best, lesbian sex, and she has not indicated any interest in that, at least with me. So you might think that two people who were lovers at one point, had children, and have professed love for each other would be closer. Not to mention one supporting the other through cancer (hers) and heart surgery (mine) in recent years. But I think that connection is gone now. Me being trans changes it all.

I find it ironic, that since coming out, how much sex, or the promise of sex, seems to have been part of how she related to me. Since having kids, she has not expressed much interest in me, I took that to be a feature in that she knew there was a gender issue with me, and that was a turn off. So I did not press her on being intimate. We were lucky to see something once a year, no lie.

So kind of a double edged sword, she complains that I was never interested in sex, therefore she never approached or initiated with me. I am wondering if it is always that way in a marriage? Is sex getting started the job of the male? Always? There was a time in our relationship where she did get things started. That stopped when she found a stash over 10 years ago. I became a turn off. And no wonder I flunked at it with her. I was apparently supposed to initiate all of it. Frankly that sounds like bunk. But now that I have accepted being trans I see why it did not work for me to be the 100% initiator. I won't even go into the whole did I like it or not thing, that is in another post.

So what bugs me, is I am the same person, but I am now treated like somebody else. I am no longer really a family member or so it seems. I feel kind of like a tenant in the house, some cousin, who is staying with them. I am just the sperm donor. Now what is funny is I think a lot of that was established before I even came out. My wife pretty much does whatever she wants whenever she feels like it. Me on the other hand, I check in, I explain where I am going, what I am doing. How to get a hold of me. Perhaps that is silly, but I guess when people care about each other that is how it should be.

And here is what I think happens over time in reality, and this has nothing to do with being trans. When the kids came, my wife transferred all of her stock into them. Basically they are the most important thing in her life. Me, I am a nuisance, and now more so that I am trans, because I now represent some threat of the outside world that modern mothers are trying to protect their precious babies from. But generally what happens then is they forget the foundation of marriage (partnership), and that the kids are a byproduct of that, note byproduct, not product.

Over time the husband (who is me still) feels alienated and distant and ignored (trust me this is real, I have about 20 guy friends and we all say the same things). Where I live, the community I live in, my house, all predicated on what was best for the kids, and where there needed to be compromise, it was all for the benefit of the kids. And so what gets lost, are what were my dreams and plans. And all decisions are based on a 20 or 30 year window depending on how far apart your kids are spaced. And then they are gone. Bam, college. And you are left in the house as a couple of strangers.

Now I know some couples that flourish after that point. And I know many more that do not. Because there has been bad blood brewing for some time. Resentment. On both parts, hers that he does not have the same priorities as she did, his that she did not see he had needs too, and that he should be ranked someplace above the dog, but most often is not. And so it goes.

And so for me, being trans, has just accelerated that empty nest thing. She sees a world where if am the real me, she is not interested. And she wants that answer now so she can emotionally move on. Except I am not ready for that as my kids are still at home, and I want to have fun with them. But apparently I cannot be trans and do that. I have to hide, and in her mind, better yet go away. I asked her yesterday, do you want me to move out. Her answer was, well I thought you were looking for a place. Hmm, is that a yes? I have been looking, for a refuge, a place to go dress and be me. Not a permanent residence. But I am pretty sure now, it is going to be more than that. I think I have to find a new home. And if it is going to be my new home then it is going to be Sharon's house, in all ways.

My only regret is my kids probably will never get the chance to know the real me.

Midnight Washing

So as I have stated before, I am not FT. My wife is supportive, but not approving, and I have to shield what I am from my teenage children. I have to put these things in here so as to have some context, hopefully I do better than the folks that do various long arc TV shows, "previously on 24". The reality is there are parts of me that actually are FT. Namely, those things that people cannot see. I am shaved, I wear panties everyday, not for the rush, but because they are the "right" underware, and I can do it and nobody will know. Finally something every day that is correct.

Lately I have added womens socks, trouser socks and the occasional knee high, and sometimes, stockings to the mix. In fact, I do not wear boy socks anymore at all. Starting in January of 2009, I actually had the makings of a female wardrobe and started dressing in public, at support groups, and the outings we go on after. So in that sense, I am out. So what is the net result of this. Well a lot of good things but none of those are the subject of this post. This post, is about, laundry.

Yes mundane, boring, laundry. And in my household, a chore that has fallen down traditional gender lines. You see my wife, does the laundry, that is one of hers, I get other things, and well you know how that goes. Now I am not saying I never do the laundry, I am saying I do it infrequently. But since accepting being trans, that is different now. You see, she will not do "Sharon's" laundry, and since I am her, I get to do it. Now in reality that seems fair to me, a woman probably should do her own wash. At least that way it comes out the way she wants it to. And if you goof, you can blame yourself. So I do not have a problem with this. And frankly, I don't have much of a problem with most of the chores that I hear women complaining about.

In point of fact, my bathroom, off my home office, has been described by my son as the cleanest room in the house. I maintain it myself and so it stays clean. There is no peeing standing up in there! And it is a working bath, I shower there daily, and it is where most of my daily ritual takes place.

There was a point in time where as the primary (read that as single) breadwinner in the house, I thought there should be an equitable division of labor, I work all day, she (the wife) does not, I think she can do some of the domestic things. Cleaning my bathroom was apparently not high on that list. I gave up and found that in addition to the 60 hour work, and another 20 hours of volunteer time per week I would have to do most everything around the house for myself, or at least those things important to me. And if I wanted it on anything resembling a schedule I would have to do it. And I will say, me now being trans has made that far worse. Because there is an air of, well, you are doing what you want, and I am going to do what I want. We kind of intersect at the kids.

I sound like I am complaining, I do not mind doing the things, but I do mind having to trade sleep to get them done, which destroys my performance otherwise, and in the end effects the bottom line. And it peeves me when others around me are playing games and things. Seems a bit out of order. I am glad I make enough money for everybody but me to have the lifestyle they like. But that is all a rant for another post.

What was I going on about? Oh yeah, laundry. Well as you can imagine, now with daily undies, and socks and going out in public, I have some wash to do now and then. I have minimized how often by having like a months worth of panties on hand. But when I wash, it has to again be in secret, just like the rest of all of this. So, I started my first load at 12:30AM tonight. If I am lucky I will be done by 2AM. Why then you might ask? Because the kids are in bed and won't see dad washing his panties and ask questions. And so again, I am trading sleep for being trans. My alternative would a a laundromat, of course that would take even more time, and frankly might require more explanation.

God forbid I do not finish this and leave the stuff in the washer to dry in the morning, we might need a hazmat crew out in the AM. So I need to caffeine up and stew. So I wrote this post while waiting. Yes I know, I should have done something more productive. But my brain is jello now, so anything I might do would probably be wrong. At least posting, I can let my fingers catch the dribble coming out of my brain.

So here I sit, now 1AM, waiting for the washer to finish, so I can get things into the dryer, so I can shuttle them off to the secret hiding place. Amazing that some bits of colored nylon can cause panic in so many. And I guess that is the story of my life right now. I am trans, I know this. I am pretty sure I know where I am headed in responding to that. And yet I am told be prepared to give up everything you ever knew, work, home, life and love for it. Now why does it have to be that way. And why do I have to do my wash at midnight?

I think I hear the buzzer on the washer, time for the dryer...

The Mens Room

So recently I had a problem. And oddly enough it was virtual, as opposed to a real, problem in my everyday life. As I may have eluded upon occasion here in the blog, one of the catalysts for me in figuring out being trans was Second Life (SL). I am not going to go into a long post here about SL. I only mention it for context for the rest of this post.

In SL there are group meetings, very similar to the ones I have in Real Life (RL). We collect, and talk about issues, problems, concerns etc. One of these SL groups has transmen and transwomen in it. Now you cannot really tell how far along anybody really is in SL as we all have avatars, and of course the women are slim, shapely and lovely and the men are buff and studly. And the only communication, at least in this group, is text chat. Which can be misunderstood! But I made a big mistake in group recently.

The ratio of FtM vs MtF is pretty low, meaning there are a lot of us (MtF) and not so many of them. This is true in group as well. And what happened to me recently is, there was a discussion about how clean a public restroom is and the thread went to the "fact" that the ladies room, tends to be cleaner than the "Mens" room. And I made a joke, or what I thought was a joke, with the only FtM in the "room". "Name Redacted, see what you can do about that ok?". This transman took offense to my comment. Not just a little, but alot. In fact he was so offended he left the meeting. Now this was a person that I had had some dialog with off and on for months in SL, so I was really surprised by this reaction. I went on to find the person and apologize if I had offended him, and then did so publicly to the group.

But I want to pick at the crux of the issue. He felt I had made a sweeping derogatory comment about his gender, and in specific him. Now let me say this for the record, I have been a guy for 47 years. I have first hand knowledge that in general the mens room is a pig sty. No, not all of them, no not all men, but as a trend, compared the ladies room, it is. Sorry, fact, deal with it. Women in general try to be cleaner then men. And now that I am both, moving toward the "fairer sex", I see it more clearly now than ever. So I am not going to apologize for calling something for what it is. And my comment was a joke! Humor, ha ha, funny, I was looking to a transman to fix an endemic problem with men in general. That probably would not happen. Which makes it funny to ask...

But it would be like him telling me to see if I can get women to stop putting on makeup at a stop light. Since I have actually found myself putting on my lipstick at a stop light, I would resemble that remark. Would I be offended, maybe, is it a generalized statement, yep, do all women do it, no, but enough do for it to be a common behavior, and the brunt of male humor, along with probably other hundreds of gender based jokes regarding maps and asking for directions and the orientation of toilet seats and how long it takes to get ready. And the truth is, most of those things have some truth to them. That is what makes them funny!

And so I was astounded that the battle of the sexes apparenly applys to transwomen and transmen. I had not considered this before. That transmen might be offended by references to male sterotypes, and that transwomen might be so about female stereotypes. The thing is, unless you are trying to tell me I am stupid, or insignifigant, or unimportant, I am probably not offended. In fact as I was putting my lipstick on at the red light, I asked myself how did that happen? The answer was the same that any natal woman would have said, well I ran out of time, and so this is best I could do and I want to look good. So there. Men, might not get that. But I do now.

And is it funny that I am now enough of a woman to find myself performing in stereotypical behaviors that seem to come naturally. Am I offended when somebody points it out and includes me in with all women when I do it? Actually, no. I am flattered that they think enough of who I am to think of me as a woman first.

So what do I do when a guy infers that I cannot read a map because I am female. I take the map and show them where they are. That way they won't have to ask me for the directions. :) See always ready to help, and with a joke. But what I don't get, is mad about it.

And oh yeah, I prefer the ladies room. At least when most of us pee in there, it ends up in the bowl and no matter how you look at that, it is a step up.

Taking A Step

In the spirit of "a blog about nothing" please enjoy this edition.

So yesterday was a big day for me, that was 28 Feb 2009. I went to group, took my first dose of Spiro, came back to hotel, tried on outfits, took pictures, made a video (sound of needle on record being scratched, you know the one). What was that middle part again? Oh yeah, took my first dose of Spironolactone, yes under the supervision of a physician. Now you might ask why I did that. You are saying, aren't you on some kind of 5 year plan thing or something?

The answer is yes, but I need to get a box checked in order to move forward. You see no matter how much I try and tell myself otherwise, there is a sex thing to this. Or so I think in my head. I am not saying there should not be such a linkage. Certainly, how you view yourself, how you present yourself, how you pleasure yourself, and who you might like to pleasure or be pleasured by are all part of this and should be, as they are a normal part of any human existstance.

In my case I want to make sure these are seperate from an analysis perspective. I know how I view myself now, I know how I want to present, I need to understand the self pleasure component, mind you I have always pleasured myself, as a girl. At least as best I can given the "equipment". And of course the last one, who else do you bring to the party, I don't need to figure out, maybe ever. So I believe that chemistry is a part of the third one, and thus begins our experiment.

I want to understand how much of this desire to change is driven by hormones. Now mind you today my T level is really low to start with (something around 200 for those with scorecards). But what I want to do is drive it as low as I can and then see how I feel about transition. If I do that and I still feel the same way then it "ain't" that little bit of T I have left that is making me this way. Yes I know there will be residuals for some time. But if I can take the "sex" component off the table, then I will know for certain. So hence the Spiro.

Now there are probably a number of outcomes to this experiment and a good experiment has a hypothesis to it. So here goes, "Does having testosterone create a sex drive that manefests in the pre-op TS a strong desire to transition to female". There, put it right out there. So outcomes I see,

Outcomes

1. Desire fades
So with no/low "T" I don't want to do this anymore, now what?

2. It has no effect
My desires remain the same, status quo, transition likely

3. I feel great, as in better, but there is no change in desire
Transition - Orchi? Make it all permanent?

4. I feel amazing, and desire increases
Transition - Orchi? Make it all permanent? Probably sooner...

5. None of the above
I realize that these things are hardly binary. So will probably have another view of this in a few months time. So there might be an answer otherwise.

I have a feeling, Spiro and I are going to be "friends". I might be wrong and if so I will post that here. But if I am right, then being rid of the remaining T should give me some relief. The side effects of blocking the androgens are all welcome. So there is my first step, yes I have been getting laser on the face, but there are lots of guys without beards. Yes I have been dressing more and going to group. But this marks the start of what I call the "you might not be able to go back" part of the process.

Now you are asking about estrogen I am sure. Well I have another medical issue that I need to get managed, and hope to have that under control by June. And if so, then we will look as adding estrogen at that time. Quite honestly this staggered approach makes more sense to me, lets see what one does without the other first. We are talking only a 4 month difference. What I am most hopeful about for me is I feel like I am making some progress. And as long as I feel that I am moving, the pace is less of an issue.