Living This Way

So I am trying to find the magic balance point. "They" tell me there is one. But it feels a little like that point where you lean back in your chair, and it feels like the chair might tip over on you, so you catch yourself. And the adrenaline rushes in. I heard that you can get addicted to that, and then need a bigger fix. Next thing you know you Are jumping out of a plane with a piece of synthetic fabric packed by somebody you don't know, and that is the only barrier between you and the ground. All for the rush of it.

Me, I see no reason to jump out of a perfectly functioning aircraft. But that chair thing, that is real. And it makes me wonder about this stuff. Is letting the chair fall over transition, or is it letting the chair go back on all four legs. I am not sure. I kind of feel like you need to let the chair fall over. Once you are on the ground you pick it up and sit in it again. Now everybody saw what happened, some will say you did it to yourself, so you get what you deserve, others will say you were just dumb, and others will have concern, "are you all right" they will ask. Whereas if you just let the chair down on the legs, they will never notice. Yeah, I am going with the chair that tipped over.

So here I sit, teetering. Catching myself, teeter, catch again, teeter. One thing I can say is that it requires an active control system (yeah engineer speak, bear with the geek girl). You cannot "coast". You have to keep adjusting all the time just to stay up. And so you do, but even more so when trans. And to make it more interesting while you are teetering folks are tossing you objects to juggle. A whiffle ball, tennis ball, ping pong ball, oh here take this, a bowling ball. Every now and then they toss in a chain saw to juggle too. Did I mention it was running when tossed in. So there is a picture, teetering chair, bowling ball, and chainsaw all at once. There now you have a picture of being trans that is closer to reality.

Girls that tip over, they are full time. They get up, put the chair upright, on all the legs, albeit the chair is now "oriented" differently. The juggling, it goes on, that would be what we normally call, living. But now the chair is on four legs and the chain saw ran out of gas. So a challenge, sure, easier than doing it all while teetering, yes.

And so that is how this kind of feels right now. Because FT is out, due to many constraints. Many of which I have covered in this blog, some not. But if you are middle aged trans, and I contend that is different than being say, college age, or teen age, empty nest age, or even retirement age, it is harder. Now I know I am going to get mail from the folks in those groups saying how it is hard too and all. But I want to say, nah. You are not in my heels, and aside from the retirement age, and empty nest folks, I have been in yours. So puhlease, do not give me a lecture. And heck the empty nest folks and retirement age folks were probably just like me, and held off for the same reasons. Bet I get no letters from them, other than in commiseration.

My transition, when it comes in earnest, will effect more than just me, if you are middle aged you know. You see there is wife and kids, and my parents who are now getting on and have become dependent on me for their long term welfare. I have my own company, and although you want to think that would be the best place to be to transition, you would be wrong. Because a lot of my business depends on me. And if I transition I am playing with the lives of some 30 odd other people not to mention their spouses and children. So I feel responsible for not just me, not just mine, but theirs too. And so when you have like 100 people counting on you for food on their table, you pause and ask, what am I putting into play here? Is this a good choice?

So for now, I need to bolster that stake and make sure what I have built can weather the coming storm. That my company can be less about me and more about itself. This is padding for when the chair finally does fall over. So I need to work on that, but it is a bowling ball, and will make the fall harder. And hard to juggle in the meantime, especially when you need to be yourself gets stronger each passing day. Sometimes you really do want the chair to tip. Even better have somebody push it, then you can say you had no choice.

I have heard those stories. Girls who were not quite ready to go yet. Told a friend about things, the friend could not deal with it, or is a blabbermouth. Next thing you know, the cat is out of the bag, not under your control anymore. Maybe it never was. Maybe you only think it was under your control, an illusion. Next thing is you are parked in the bosses office, or if you are lucky, seeing the HR person where they actually have a policy. I will be writing mine, I guess, for me. Who knows with recent revelations I might find one of my people is trans too. I am beginning to doubt the statistics. I wonder if it is more like 1 in 100, or at least that among technical people. I have some really good anecdotal evidince to support that idea. In one case a 1 in 6 number, but I have kind of touched on that elsewhere recently.

What is the impact of me coming out? I have no idea. Yeah that sounds weak. But for me to guess what it means to my business partners, to my employees, to my customers, to my extended family, to my kids. I have no idea, I can only hope they will take it well. And realize that I am still me, just different, better I hope. So in the meantime, I need to establish the pace. And the frequency of all of this. I need to temper that with the need to keep the chair steady. It is going to take a lot of energy, I hope I do not get too tired, that is when you make goofs, drop a ball or two, teeter with more oscillation. All bad things.

Aside from group meetings I think conferences are going to be a big part of that for me. They are safe for the most part. Artificial, yes. So in June I will go to the Be-All in Chicago, and in September I will go to SCC in Atlanta too. This all part of the "soak time" plan. I have the means, I need to do it. And it just might keep the chair from tipping over in the meantime.