Family - How do you explain this?

So I have had this post in the queue for a long time. As I knew eventually I am going to have to deal with this. And I guess it is one of the inevitable items for those of us who have decided to do something about being trans, other than quake in fear, and take photos without heads on them and use fake names and all of that crap. For the reader's benefit, I am guilty of all of that stuff. I am not going to apologize either. It is what we do to get by everyday.

And as we all stumble through that we find that there are little bits that, despite our best efforts, leak out into the real world and play havoc with our nice tidy little existences. You know the nicely trimmed and edged lawn that you keep so the neighbors are envious. That despite what might be going on inside the house, child abuse, wife beating, drugs, depression, emotional distress, god forbid, a transperson, nobody takes note of as long as the yard is tidy. All that is cared about is the presentation of normal. Be normal, it is what we all want you to be.

And if that grass goes untended and gets a bit high, they will come knock on your door. Not out of concern for you but just because they are tired of looking at your lawn. Because you are now not normal and you need a trim. And in some cases if you let it go long enough they will call the county on you and they will trim it and send you a bill. These are the same people that end up on TV when the serial killer is revealed to be a neighbor. "Well he was a normal sort of fella, put his pants on one leg at a time if I recall, he was always nice to my dog". Then they put up the photo of the google eyed nut job, and you go yeah, he looks normal alright, not.

Well my grass got a little high, no not my real grass. My transgrass. And so this has led to the aforementioned pending separation, and what I believe to be the end of 20 years of marriage. And of course she knows why the grass is tall, I told her. I had to, I love her. And so you would think that is the biggest hurdle in all of this. Telling her the truth, and sharing what I am inside. You might think that she would feel for my pain. Maybe she does, but I guess her pain is greater. So I get to do the ride alone now.

In reality I could have any other ailment in the book (go ahead pick one, oh say, brain tumor) and I would be greeted with sympathy and compassion and support. The only other thing I can think of that comes close would be coming out that I am gay (which oddly enough, I have no interest in, those of you who are trans will understand that, my non trans friends might not). And today, now when people come out as gay, folks go, eh, how common. It is not like you go around the mall with a big sign, "People used to think I was hetero".

So my transgrass is tall now, time to mow, my wife wants us to split up. And that means that there is a visible tangible change in my life that requires some explanation to others. And so what do you tell them? Now I have non-trans friends, coworkers and business partners that know nothing of all of this. They do know that my marriage has been at some strain for several years. And I guess me being trans was the straw that broke the camel's back. So I started this week to at least inform my business partners that there will be some changes coming for me, I told a co-worker the same. All of them sympathized. But I did not tell them I was trans. That will come another day. And when it does they will probably go, ah ha, so it was all her(his) fault after all. So be it if they think that, but I know my marriage had some issues before I started exploring this stuff. I am not going to belabor that stuff here, it is old news.

So the friends, they are almost easy by comparison. They can buy that things just fell apart. They will offer me a "cold one" and want to commiserate. Family though, that is a different nut. And so I go to my next challenge, I need to explain to my parents who are in their 70's. First I have to explain that my marriage is done. This might not be too hard for them, they know I have had some issues for some time. They are going to be worried about the lack of my influence day to day on my sons. Basically they do not see eye to eye with my wife on child raising, neither do I. So at first blush they will be happy, or relieved for me. And then concerned for my kids. And that is all good I guess. But I am thinking I cannot just end the story there.

I am thinking I have to come out to them. They need to know I am trans. I have to take responsibility for the part of this failed marriage that is on me. I hate to say it that way. I did not choose to be this way. I just am this way, like having blue eyes, or being tall. What I have chosen is to start doing something about being this way. And that choice was too much for my wife, even if she was the one that gave me the shove and told me to "go explore". And so how do you tell mom and dad who think you are the best thing they ever did together that you are not the son they thought they had. How do you tear down that picture and tell them hey, I love you both, but I need to be your daughter now. And this from a person whom they have now moved the title of patriarch onto. I am the "head" of the family now.

If mom met me for real, in stealth, you know at one of her clubs or in a social way. She would like me, we are a lot a like. In reality, my boy me has a lot of mom. Mom wore the pants in my family, she did the money, the big decisions, these were all mom's. She worked and raised kids. I want to say I came out ok, better than ok. Lately when I am myself, and I look in the mirror I see her a little, well as of late, more than a little. And so I have this nutty idea, and if she did not live so far away I might be tempted. She meets Sharon, and gets to know her, and likes her and we become friends. And then I take my hair and makeup off and she does an OMG.

But at least she would see a happy well adjusted woman before I tell her about me. And I guess that is the problem here. When you come out, all they will see is their son in a dress. And I am told you need to give them bake time on the idea. I am unsure about this. I want them to know I am happier as a female, that I actually feel joy from simple things, cry at a movie, smile a lot more. I feel they need to see that.

As to dad...I don't know. There are things about him that I will not put here, but lets just say I think he has some of his own personal demons. And so I do not know if he will freak or embrace. And the thing is, he is the gentlest person I know. I know he loves me, what I do not know is if his religion will let him love me unconditionally. Thorny stuff to be sure.

So why tell them at all? Well because the new me, is going to pop out at some point. And I do not want them to hear it from others. For example, the now in progress, soon to be ex. And unless I can control it then I do not get to tell it my way. So I am thinking sometime in the next few months I need to venture to Western NY and sit with them and tell them a story. And then I will cry and then I will go away. And I can only hope that they will take me as I am and embrace who I need to be. It is going to be a mess.

But that is not the hardest bit to come. No that is going to be my kids. And this is the one that has probably caused my wife to act on getting the Evil Transsexual Daddy (ETD) out of the house. I need to go because of that "protect at all costs our so precious little cargo" thing. I am not sure I agree. But then again, I am about to be separated, because in large measure I do not agree about a lot of those kinds of things. And now that I look back on it, that protection thing is a big part of it, so protecting them from me being trans is just the same thing all over again isn't it!

But in order to keep the peace, I am going to have to lay low for a while. I suspect that in the separation agreement I will have to agree to present male to them at all times. I suspect this is going to get harder to do and at some point will be impossible. I will have moved out, they will learn to drive, what happens some night when my future 17 year old sits in my new driveway waiting for me because he had a dust up with a girlfriend, or mother, and I pull in in a skirt and heels... Go ahead laugh, I am. Guess the cat will be out of the bag then. Can it happen, ha, some variation on that theme will happen. Shoving me out of the house just delays it.

And is that how I want to tell my kids? Nope. I want to explain this. I want them to see that I am happy, or at least content, as a woman. I want them to get to know me again. Like me. Love me as their parent. And so as of now, I have no plan on how to tell them. My oldest turns 16 in Jan. He will probably want to learn to drive. I will teach him. The rest is just a matter of time and circumstance. So in the meantime how do I tell them hey, your mom really wants me out of the house so I don't mess you up mentally with this whole dad wants to be a girl thing. Oh, right I cannot tell them. So I am doing what? Yes that is right, I am going to lie to them. The part about mom and me not getting along, they already can see that. This will not be news. Me going, I want that not to be about me going. I did not choose that. She did. And so if I am going to be out of their day to day lives I am thinking she needs to explain why that is to them, not me. But of course that could mean I lose control of the message. But I am wondering if once you open your mouth on anything you automatically lose control, as others can take it, paraphrase it, usurp it.

I have had some people tell me that is the wrong idea, and you just tell them that you and her have mutually agreed to leave them out of things between the two of you. Normally I probably would feel this way. And maybe after a few weeks or months I will. Right now though, I feel like I am going to lose control of the story. And I feel betrayed and disappointed. And on my way out I want to plant the seed -- She asked me to go, and I agreed. And I am sorry it is that way and that I love you both (my sons) and that although you probably will not see me everyday from now on that you are in my heart every waking moment. That is the truth.

So in Spring that grass wakes up from the winter slumber and starts to grow, and a couple of warm days and some rain and next thing you know you need to fire up the mower. Because if you don't then you will get attention. And so I need to go sharpen the blade and check the oil and turn it over a few times just to make sure it is ready to mow, because there is some grass that is going to need a lot of trimming in the next few months, and I really do not need to add neighbors knocking on my door to the mix. Wish me luck with my "lawn care."