Shifting Sand

So I have learned over the years on various little construction projects that I have undertaken that the foundation is really important.  Yes I am a person that once dumped 9 yards of concrete into my back yard for piers to build a deck.  For those who do not know, that is the volume of a concrete mixing truck (or close to it).  And is the origin of the phrase "The whole 9 yards".  By the way, those are cubic yards, where 1 cubic yard is 3ft x 3ft x3ft, for the geometry challenged.  Basically, a shitload.

You can imagine the mass of that as the base of your wooden deck.  When I was done you could jump on the deck and it would vibrate less than the house it was "attached" to.  In fact, it was a free standing structure due to the codes in that county and the fact that a batch of 4th of July revilers once tumbled 35feet to the ground in a deck collapse a few years before.  I guess they did not take the whole 9 yards on that job.

But the point here is foundation.  A good one serves well, and a poor one, well it does not, or in some cases pretends to until it just fails or collapses.  And that brings us to the subject of today's post boys and girls.  The foundation of partnership.  Now as I have mentioned here in blogland before, I am married.  I have been so for almost 21 years.  And I have known my wife for another 10 years before that.  Basically a long long time.  We have had our ups and downs over the years.  Before we were married I told her about being trans, although in those days I did not know what to call it.  I never really had that "woman trapped in a mans body thing going", I was just me, with these thoughts.  So I shared them, and she asked me to dress up for her once.  And so I did, and she kind of thought I looked silly, and told me so.  And so I had come clean.

She asked me if I wanted to be a female at that time, and my response was I did not think it was practical, being 6ft tall, and large.  But I did tell her if I was 5-2 and 125lbs we might be having a different conversation.  You see I never figured I would pass, let alone possibly transition.  And at that time it was taboo.  And I figured if I got married, and was happy it just might go away.  I was wrong.

And so last fall she asked me that question again but slightly differently.  This time it was, "Can you tell me you don't want to be a woman?".  And my answer was no I cannot tell you that.  And thus goes my life to now, much of which you can read in the other posts.  But when this came to pass, I came out to her, and we discussed the fact that I am trans, her take was this was a medical problem, meaning it is endemic in my person.  I think she still believes that today.

What I do not think she has ever bought into is the part of choosing what to do about it.  So she told me, I will stay with you until you figure that out.  Then we will see.  That seemed like a fair offer for somebody who professes to love you, and whom you love.  I held out hope that we might be together if I transitioned.  But she had a caveat, she wanted a binding legal document describing her financial rights and security.  I agreed to work on that with her as it could contain rights for me as a transwoman.  Especially with respect to my children and timetable.

We started that process with lawyers, and as usual the lawyers move really slowly.  And so it was kind of a surprise to me this week when I came home one day and she said she wants a separation agreement and me to move out of the house.  The other agreement was off.  And we were to be separated.  Of course this is a precursor to divorce which in my state you have to wait a year for.  The out of the house thing is required too apparently.  So much for staying with me while I figure it out.

She says she changed her mind, and wants the space.  I want to be fair here, I am not trying to question or challenge what she has said.  If that is how she feels then that is how she feels.  I really cannot do anything.  But I cannot help but feel that the foundation moved.  And that only happens when you build on something weak, like sand.  And so one of two things has happened, my marriage was always built on sand,  or being trans has managed to pulverize concrete into its components which have no strength on their own (aka sand).    Or there is a middle, where part was sand, and concrete is in contact with saltwater (trans) and as a system it fails.  This is probably the case.

So I now find myself with the chore of finding a new place to live, and all that entails, and if you include the fact that I run a portion of my business from my home, it is more complex than just a move.  What it is, is a pain in my ass.  But I guess I need to get used to being beaten up again.  I used to get beaten up by the neighborhood bully everyday on the way home from school, I guess this is the same.

Now this also creates some other aspects to this shifting sand scenario.  If I am in my own place, I can be myself with out impediment.  Returning to "him" as required for work, family and social occasions.  This I think is a good thing for me, it will really give me that soak time I want and need.  And on the other hand, it will probably drive me to transition quicker.  So a double edged sword.  I doubt she has considered that aspect of this for me. But the bottom line is she changed her mind.  Something I have been accused of.  And I guess it is too much, with me being trans, for her to take for now.  So I will go away without a fight, other than I am only going to yield to her what is fair for me.

So you might forgive me if my post frequency goes down for a bit.  I will try and keep up with my reflections here from time to time but right now I have to bail water out to keep the ship from sinking, mind you I bail pretty good.  I have a lot of balls now in the air.  I need to get started on the rest of my life.  And I guess my new foundation wil be based on me, and nobody else, in point of fact that seems like a really good thing to do.  This time though, I am going to take the whole 9 yards and then some to be sure.