Married and Trans

So I do talk about being married in here, and I think it is appropriate to do so. As I have explained my wife knows about all of this. I do not think she reads my blog, or has seen many of my photos or anything. So "all of this" is a relative term. As of a month or two ago I now sleep in the guest bedroom. The small changes I have made seem to make her uncomfortable.

And since sex now seems to be out of the question, and it would be at best, lesbian sex, and she has not indicated any interest in that, at least with me. So you might think that two people who were lovers at one point, had children, and have professed love for each other would be closer. Not to mention one supporting the other through cancer (hers) and heart surgery (mine) in recent years. But I think that connection is gone now. Me being trans changes it all.

I find it ironic, that since coming out, how much sex, or the promise of sex, seems to have been part of how she related to me. Since having kids, she has not expressed much interest in me, I took that to be a feature in that she knew there was a gender issue with me, and that was a turn off. So I did not press her on being intimate. We were lucky to see something once a year, no lie.

So kind of a double edged sword, she complains that I was never interested in sex, therefore she never approached or initiated with me. I am wondering if it is always that way in a marriage? Is sex getting started the job of the male? Always? There was a time in our relationship where she did get things started. That stopped when she found a stash over 10 years ago. I became a turn off. And no wonder I flunked at it with her. I was apparently supposed to initiate all of it. Frankly that sounds like bunk. But now that I have accepted being trans I see why it did not work for me to be the 100% initiator. I won't even go into the whole did I like it or not thing, that is in another post.

So what bugs me, is I am the same person, but I am now treated like somebody else. I am no longer really a family member or so it seems. I feel kind of like a tenant in the house, some cousin, who is staying with them. I am just the sperm donor. Now what is funny is I think a lot of that was established before I even came out. My wife pretty much does whatever she wants whenever she feels like it. Me on the other hand, I check in, I explain where I am going, what I am doing. How to get a hold of me. Perhaps that is silly, but I guess when people care about each other that is how it should be.

And here is what I think happens over time in reality, and this has nothing to do with being trans. When the kids came, my wife transferred all of her stock into them. Basically they are the most important thing in her life. Me, I am a nuisance, and now more so that I am trans, because I now represent some threat of the outside world that modern mothers are trying to protect their precious babies from. But generally what happens then is they forget the foundation of marriage (partnership), and that the kids are a byproduct of that, note byproduct, not product.

Over time the husband (who is me still) feels alienated and distant and ignored (trust me this is real, I have about 20 guy friends and we all say the same things). Where I live, the community I live in, my house, all predicated on what was best for the kids, and where there needed to be compromise, it was all for the benefit of the kids. And so what gets lost, are what were my dreams and plans. And all decisions are based on a 20 or 30 year window depending on how far apart your kids are spaced. And then they are gone. Bam, college. And you are left in the house as a couple of strangers.

Now I know some couples that flourish after that point. And I know many more that do not. Because there has been bad blood brewing for some time. Resentment. On both parts, hers that he does not have the same priorities as she did, his that she did not see he had needs too, and that he should be ranked someplace above the dog, but most often is not. And so it goes.

And so for me, being trans, has just accelerated that empty nest thing. She sees a world where if am the real me, she is not interested. And she wants that answer now so she can emotionally move on. Except I am not ready for that as my kids are still at home, and I want to have fun with them. But apparently I cannot be trans and do that. I have to hide, and in her mind, better yet go away. I asked her yesterday, do you want me to move out. Her answer was, well I thought you were looking for a place. Hmm, is that a yes? I have been looking, for a refuge, a place to go dress and be me. Not a permanent residence. But I am pretty sure now, it is going to be more than that. I think I have to find a new home. And if it is going to be my new home then it is going to be Sharon's house, in all ways.

My only regret is my kids probably will never get the chance to know the real me.