Stepping Out

So, so far in my meager feminine existence I have been been myself for about a total of 49 hours. That might sound silly to some of you but it is a fact. That basically amounts to appearing in a public setting as myself, at hmm, 6 support group outings, and one trip to the movies. I guessed that between the meeting, and the dinners after and such that I average about 7 hours as Sharon per outing.

You are saying, And so? Well that is not a lot of time, considering there are all of 24 hours in a day. As I have indicated many times in this blog, I am not allowed to be myself at home as my wife fears what effect it will have on my children, so group is it for me, and means a trip to a hotel for the event to occur. Now if you were a "weekend warrior" that might be ok, but if you are trans, it is not. Because all you are doing is sticking your big toe in the water when you really need to be learning to swim.

So what is the remedy for a girl like me. How do I get some "soak time" in a relatively safe environment. How about something like going to support group but not. The answer is a conference. And in a few hours, I will load my truck (yes the truck again) with samples from my new wardrobe and point it towards Harrisburg, PA where the Keystone Conference will be held over the next 3 days. I really have almost no idea what to expect, as there will probably be all sorts of T-people there. Some like me, some not so much. The thing that is important is that sometime just after noon on Saturday I will have doubled the total time I have been me in the real world. You see, I am going to this conference 24/7 as a girl. And that will be a first for me.

Am I scared. Oh yeah, on two major fronts though, and maybe not on the ones you expect. The first one is can this girl stand the unforgiving scrutiny of daylight. You see at about 1:45PM or so tomorrow (Thursday, and it has probably already happened as I suspect you are reading this after that time) I will have yet another first. I will walk out of a hotel, get into my car or walk to a salon and have my nails done. And I will do it as a woman. Now that does not seem like a lot, unless you consider, that I have never been in public in daylight (only at night), and 60 days ago I had never been in public, ever! And I wish I could tell you I have years of closet "dressing" but that answer is no as well, I did not even own a pair of pantyhose much before Christmas 2008.

The second item of fear, is this. I am afraid of Sunday morning. You see Sunday morning girls like me whither up and die. At least those of our kind who have not come to the conclusion that this is who they should be all the time. Most of them will pack up their pretty dresses, and take their makeup off and go back to their normal male selves. And so will I (probably) and return to my dull mundane existence. But my fear is, that I won't.

I am worried that I am going to like being fully immersed, that I won't mind having to take my makeup off before bed. That although my shoes are going to make my feet hurt that I like they way they look more. That I don't have to "man up" for any situaiton. That I can tell a friend her top is cute, or ask her about her shoes, or what shade is that lipstick? Without being thought of as odd or bizarre. That somebody might complement me on my appearance, my makeup, my clothes or some other thing. That I won't be able to smile as much, because as a woman I smile a lot more.

I am worried, I won't want to go back to being him. That I will just get up Sunday morning, get dressed, and get back in the truck and go home, checking my makeup in the rearview mirror. That I will hop out when getting home, and just tell them all, sorry, after three days I just could not turn it off. So you are stuck with me this way for good now.

Actually, I am not really worried at all. I know I am already going to have those feelings. Well I do not know it for a fact but there is some really strong trends that way. So it is not the worry that I will feel this way, I will. It is the worry about will I be able to maintain my cool, and put the girl away, so that she can come back on another day on her terms, and, if she has been good, stay more than three days. Maybe a week next time. And then after that, well we'll see.