Marvin Martian of Buggs Bunny fame says that followed by "There was supposed to be an earth shattering kaboom". I like Marvin a lot. He has some interesting trans characteristics. First off if you go look (click the link for the pix) he is cross dressed, now I know that green mini was intended to be a kind of Roman or Greek thing, but seriously, I think I saw a new girl wear that to group recently.Secondly, he is in hiding, meaning you cannot really see who he is under that helmet? And his demeanor is hardly manly. So I am thinking Marvin might actually be Marsha or something. But you know I can wait for her to realize it. :)
Marvin is close to me for another silly reason, he is how I figured out my femme voice. You see I can do some of those cartoon voices. Not well enough to replace Mel Blanc, may he rest in peace, but not too bad either. Good enough for a party trick. And so I had read someplace that if you can do that and have that kind of control then you should be able to alter your voice. I talk a lot about voice in another post, go look for it, probably sometime in Feb 09. See I started with Marvin and ended up with Sharon, someday I will post some audio so you can see how that works, mind you, I do not sound like Marvin so get that out of your head.
But that is not the subject of this post anyhow, the subject is the "kaboom". You see in the cartoon in question Marvin is going to destroy the earth and Bugs thwarts that by pulling out the fuze or something. And Marvin utters those words. Now he is not so much mad as he is surprised because the thing he expects, or has been told will happen, did not...
And so it seems for me too.
You see I just spent 3 full days as the woman I was supposed to be. Thursday noon to Sunday noon. Yeah, I know you are saying isn't that kind of 4 days, yes it is but I was 24/7 so in that sense, 72 hours, nonstop. Big deal right, actually, yes. If you go back one post, I had added up my Sharon time, and it had been about 49 hours total, and so, I doubled it and then some. Yay!
So you might be asking "So what is the big deal Sharon?". Well it kind of is, if you have not been yourself for most of your life and you get the chance to be you, for something other than a meeting or a dinner or just an evening it is a way to validate that this is not just a curiosity. Mind you, I already know that it is not "just a curiosity", but it is really important to me to do two things.
The first is what I call soak time, I need time to get comfortable as me, and if you are trans you know exactly what I mean. Last night, I wore a dress, in public, for the first time in my life, I had really nice strappy sandals on. I did not stumble or fall, not once! I felt pretty, I don't know if I was, but I felt that way. I danced in those shoes, something I never do as a guy (the dancing part). And I loved it! And the point is, I need that kind of time, with no rush, no hurry to absorb the finer points of who I am as a woman. I need to bake as her.
The second thing, I need it for those who will question me later, "Well how do you know this is what you want?", "Are you sure?", "You know in the real world women......add your comment here." So when that day comes, where I tell people, this is probably something more than a passing fancy I can point to long extended periods of time as time in my log book (think pilot). So later when I go solo, they will say, hey, has she logged enough hours in that thing? And the answer will be yes!
So back to the kaboom. "Everybody" told me that I would crash after the conference. I would go back to drab, and get bummed, and lament, and have a blue Monday. And although it is not quite Monday, and yes, 12 hours ago I was myself (a girl silly), having breakfast with friends I did not crash afterwords, in fact the whole drive home I was smiling. Why, because I planned this as a mission. I was going to see how 24/7 was for me. The answer is, wonderful. I want it. Ok there, that makes me happy. And so now I look forward to the next experience where I can do that (which will be in June or so). Now maybe come Tuesday or Wednesday I will feel different, but I do not think so. I am not looking at these past three days as something I left behind, and pine for. They were the foundation to build on. And as the woodworker I am, if the mason is done, then the fun part begins for me. And that mason, did a fine job with the foundation.
And so, no kaboom. At least not one I can tell you about. I don't think it is coming. I think it is a fiction for me. My issues of wife, kids and work and being trans are still the same, I am still trans, really do not expect that to change. What I do have now is I know a lot more people like me (for context there were like 150 of us in one room), and that is good for me. I saw a lot of diversity within our "kind" and that was good for me too. But I am thinking now no crash, no burn for me, no kaboom. I am too busy thinking about the next thing to have that happen.
I'll be posting more impressions in coming days, including some interesting real world meets trans world things so stay tuned.
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