Just Weight

As with all things in new years we get to make those resolutions. Often quitting something, or starting, is the plan. And losing weight is often one of those unfulfilled resolutions. I knew something was up looking at TV on New Years day, the commercials for diet products were in full swing.

Recently, in one of those blogs I did not post, I had reported on an adverse experience with a physician that I was seeking services from. Without actually saying so, she indicated that she would rather me not be a patient for her services. The reason, among others, fat.

Of course this was a blow to me, as I had kind of planned on this physician to be a key player in my future plans. The second part of it was that as a person who has shed over 65 lbs from her max weight over a year ago, the noise was more like, even if you lost this, I still might not want to deal with you for other health reasons that quite frankly were the result of carrying the weight. Hmm...

And so goes the subject of this post. Since I am yet to be full time. I notice this remarkable inconsistency. In "dude" mode everybody comments about "how thin" I have become, that they could not see me losing much more, that gee you look really great, and so on. But as a chick, I am still fat. Remarkable.

I am not really going to dispute the observation, facts are facts. I am 5-12 1/2, and I, as usual, did some research on this. If you go by the BMI tables, which by the way do not seem to account for gender and/or age and/or frame, my maximum "normal weight" should be 186lbs. I am laughing out loud right now, I think I might have weighed that much in like middle school. Seriously? My senior year in high school I was captain of the swimming team. 5000 yds a day in a pool, my weight, 205 lbs...

This site seems to be a bit more realistic about it, yep I cannot wrap my fingers around my wrist, I am a large frame, big surprise. So I am to add 10% to that previous number, so that makes it, ha ha ha, what do you know 204.6 lbs. Hmm, basically what I weighed senior year. Ok that seems reasonable to me. Now what about the gender bit? Oh yeah remember, that was the weight of the buff dude.

This site seems to offer something that deals with that and age too. And it does something else, it compares you to what the rest of the country looks like. Not the numbers as figured out by some government Registered Dietitian in 1960. Let's just say real people, instead of ideal people. And so if I punch in my current data (what I weigh right this very moment) this shows I am in the 78th percentile, regardless of gender, that means that I am fatter than 78% of the public. If I punch in the magic 205 something else happens, for males I am in the 53rd percentile and for females the 59th percentile. It is important to note that the 50th percentile is considered average. And what is interesting about that 78% number, it stays the same regardless of gender.

I am suddenly reminded of an old saying. There are lies, damn lies, and then statistics. I find it hard to believe that once you get to the top 20% of fat people, your gender no longer matters. I suppose as you get fatter you get shorter too. But whatever...

That said then, I need to be 194 lbs to be considered average for a 5-13 female. I say again, average. This equates to a BMI of 25.6, which is still considered as obese by the powers that be [note to self WTF?]. Incidentally I can get to that same average, 50th percentile, as a dude at 202 lbs. And there is where it shows up, you can be fatter as a dude.

Now I worry that all this math is actually hocus pocus for transwomen. We are seeking some kind of ideal that cannot be obtained, unless you really do a have a birdlike frame. But for big girls, the math does not add up. First we will probably always have more muscle than the usual woman our size. Second we get to add the weight of breasts to the equation (please no snickering about losing a little bit of weight in places like Thailand or Trinidad). So even if I lose down to the magic 194, in order to be legit, I need to lose the weight of my incoming breasts to stay even. So who knows what that is, lets say it is 5 lbs between the pair. What do you know, back to the 189. Jeez. Three pounds off from that friggin BMI table in the first place.

So what does this all mean? It means that I will "never" be a skinny bitch. Yeah, I said it. I have some trans friends, they are as tall as me but all weigh less. A lot less. And yes, they all pass remarkably. Of course they would! Hey, 5-12 and 154lbs, there are natal women that would kill for that. But when I get the tape out and compare with them, on bones, hon, bones. The tale of the tape tells all. My shoulders are a full inch wider than theirs. And that, regardless of hormones, surgery, going to the gym, diets, whatever ain't gonna change.

But so what? Here is what is what. Basically I need to lose another 40 lbs, and if I want to be just below that average number, with boobs, 50 lbs. Here is hoping that last 10 lbs comes off the muscle. Can I do it, probably, even when I was at that 205 in high school Coach used to poke at me, you could lose 10 more pounds dude, eat less.

So here is my message for the new year. Hey big girls, yeah, you. Get over it. Um Sharon, you just bitched about your own weight and how the world looks at it in this whole post. Yeah, I did, you are right. Here is the thing, I can only change the stuff that has "knobs" on it. So I can dial me down to my "best me", and once that is done, then you just gotta go with it. You cannot look at your friends who are über thin and compare. And what I discovered is that there are some things that I do have they are "jealous" of (eyes, skin, lack-o-beard, etc.). Almost nobody gets the "perfect" deal. Some get more than others, that is life.

So in the end, it's Just Weight. or maybe "A Just Weight", dunno, lets "Just Wait" and see if it is or matters at all.

Next!

So I guess I need to apologize for anybody that actually reads this stuff. My last post was in November. I should really come clean on this, I wrote others, I just did not post them. Yeah, someday they will be worth a bunch. You know, like a missing Picasso or DaVinci or something.

Maybe someday I will finish my missing works and publish them. Or perhaps they were weak efforts on my part and this is why they languish. I know in one case they clearly are likely to offend somebody. And that, in part, was why I did not publish that one.

So, reminiscent of the Seinfeld show, this is a post about nothing. But I hope you still find it remotely interesting. Tall order I know.

So let's talk about life for a moment. Mine in particular. Yes, I know big surprise here.

For those keeping track, all of my legal crap is still in play, yeah it will not go away and that giant sucking sound you hear gurgling in the background is that of money coming out of my purse. You know I can think of several ways to spend money and produce absolutely nothing. You can drink, smoke, or whatever, it away. At the end of that you got nothing to show for it. You can gamble. All forms fit here, blackjack, craps, fantasy football, the stock market, pick one. You could stand in your back yard and set fire to it; I like fire myself. Or if none of that suits your fancy you can give it to the legal system.

Please no cards and letters from the barristers. I like my lawyers, I really do. Its just that I do not like paying them. And it always seems that their powers of estimation are off. Like by 100%. So the thing that should cost $5K is $10K and so on. And at last count, considering that "she" (the ex) has now decided to start pestering my company, I now have four lawyers that are being paid as a result of this now. And those are just mine, she has two too. Sheesh.

So that said, I have put in a shitload of money into lawyers, and we have no actual progress other than, oh you need to do this, or that, and spend more money on that... I have like 10 days of legal shit to tend to in Jan. Depositions, Mediation, etc. etc. So much for that job that pays for all of it. It is like getting hit twice, you need to pay, and no you cannot work to make money to pay for it. If I can survive January I might just make it.

Um, Sharon, I read your blog because of the Trans stuff you know, that is what I came for, this lawyer shit, please stop talking about it, it is boring, and you are whiny. Agreed...

So back to another subject, yes me. Well it is my blog afterall.

I always love that everybody expects that you have a timeline, or detailed plan. Like building a bridge or something. Well we need to have forms and re-bar set by the 17th so we can pour concrete on the 19th and that will set until the 23rd. Um, sorry, there is no Microsoft Project Gantt chart for this transition stuff. I know girls that do have one, timeline that is. I know I have commented on this before, mine is the vague idea of a timeline. Too many variables at the moment. There is no way to have that NASA precision.

But all that aside let me tell you where I am at today. And that is a far cry from where I was a year ago. First off I am "me" about 50% of the time. If I can manage it I become myself Friday morning and maintain that until Sunday night. I sometimes have to toggle a bit to trade kids with my soon to be former spouse. I have yet to formally present my trueself to her. But I figure that day is not far off. Aside from that schedule I usually end up with one more day or night during the week that I can get "me" time... Thus I am "halftime". Please no photos of cheerleaders or bands. However if you do send me a cheerleader outfit it would actually be accepted, please make sure you include the Pom Poms.

Chemistry is a godsend. Except the itchy, sensitive boob thing. Well ok, they are bigger now, and that is a good thing. I asked a friend when will they stop hurting, her response was, welcome to womanhood. So my guess is, that will be a feature from here out. I like my new skin. I like other things too but in order to keep this "G", er "PG-13" rated I will not go into that stuff. Let's just say one thing has stopped working and another has started. You can connect the dots.

The hair thing! Woo Hoo on two fronts, first the bit on my face, essentially gone. I go for electro periodically but we are mostly getting those grey and clear stragglers, and that is about all that shows up now. I literally do not shave anymore. Yay! The second part is that I have put that tribble I have been wearing on my head for a year in the drawer. I know it could be longer, but I am on my own hair now. And that is a huge relief. On the other hand, I am scared shitless as I need to learn all of the girl hair regimen now. I am getting there, the pix on the right should show some of that.

As to being ready to make the "jump"? Well it is going to happen sometime in 2010. Um, Sharon, what jump is that? Why the one to full time hon, full time. You know 24/7/365. That one. Yeah I am ready, I like me, I like being me, I want to be me all the time. So Sharon, what is your friggin issue then? Well you know it is complicated right. But it comes down to two issues remaining. One is my business world, and the other my public service/charity world. You see as of 1 Jan 10 (aka yesterday) I became a board member on a charitable organization that I support. So coming out there will be fun.

As to business. Well it is actually good, and I almost have all of my 2010 contracts in place. Usually this is done by now but due to footdragging by my customers it is not quite there yet. But once that is done, the time will come to tell all. And so that leads to what is "next".

And so for me I think that will be FFS. Yeah, time to make my mug match my head. So sometime this year, 2010, (July maybe, dunno yet) I will go see one of those surgical magicians. If you want to know who send me a note. I will tell, but I will not advertise for him/her here.

And so my hurdles are getting smaller, and my reasons for not moving ahead are getting weak. So I am getting close to this magic point. The one my friend told me about as I started this. She said, "When do you make a change?"

"When you can't stand it anymore."

I am just about there...