Mass Effect

So this might not be clear to all of you, and I have not really called it out. But in the last 6 months I have lost over 50lbs. Now when you say that people do things like say, awesome, or way to go. What is telling is that I did not go on a weight plan, or diet program. What happened for me is I accepted being trans. Now don't let me get all rosy about it. I kind of started losing the weight in September when I knew there was something brewing with me.

I really forced the issue out in October and really hit bottom in November. There were a few dark days there, and I will post about them sometime, but not yet. Having survived those days, I took heart and realized that this was not the end of the world for me. And that things would be different going forward. Note I say different, not better. One of the things about being trans is people will ask you, well will changing make you happy? My answer is no, it won't. But it will make me different, and that probably has to be better than where I am now. I heard a great term for it at the Keystone conference. The Testosterone Haze. Yes, that is good. You can almost see though it, but you would prefer the sun to come out and burn it off. Then you would be able to see clearly.

And that is something that is happening to me. I figured out I had been looking through this haze. Now the first step in doing something about it is realizing it is there in the first place. I saw Donna Rose recently. She told a story, from her guy days. She was in a mall with wife, son and in-laws. Her son was being the usual teenage jerk, and she, being the dad, put her hand on his shoulder to get his attention. He flicked it away. This pissed her off, and she stepped in front of him and slugged him in the chest, knocking him to the ground. All this to the horror of then wife and in-laws. She tells that story to set a tone about why she had to stop being male. I so resonated with that. I know some other girls with similar tales. The Haze makes you crazy.

For me part of not embracing this I think was food. I ate. A lot. Think like oh, pachyderm size. At one point I was nearly 300lbs, now I lost some weight, years back, but it was not enough to keep me from the cardiologists knife. So in 2004, at the ripe old age of 42, a very skilled young man put an 8 inch slice in the middle of my chest. At the time I weighed like 270lbs. Several hours later and a couple of rerouted veins I woke up. And to my astonishment, still alive. About 8 hours later I got up and walked the hall. Twice. I needed to get out of there, my wife had cancer at the same time, and she needed me to be strong (think about that one). I became like a madman (yes, a guy). I worked the treadmill, I was on it so much in rehab they nicknamed me Seabiscuit. And you know what, I recovered, and got my wife though the chemo, and surgery and the radiation. And she just passed her 5 year mark a month ago. She will die someday, just not of this particular problem, or so I believe. And for me. I went back to eating.

Yep, I got below 250 in those days, and then ballooned back to 275 or so. Why you might ask, well I had my heart fixed but my head was still broken. So almost dying, and heart surgery (aka Double Bypass) did not motivate me to lose weight. Not the prospect of seeing my kids graduate, marry, maybe have kids some day. No none of that was enough to get better. Nope, it took recognizing that I am trans to do it. Now around my house that probably sounds bad, you mean you did not love us enough to do it, but you will do it so you can wear a dress?

I know it is not that simple, but the answer is, yeah. In my case I think it was much more of a you are eating because you are denying you are trans. And as long as you stay fat, you cannot consider transition as an option, nobody likes a fat chick. I should not say that, but I think it is mostly right too. But knowing I might be able to transition motivated me to try. So here is a statement, I need to transition so I do not die.

Now you have heard others like me say that before but for a different reason. They are usually talking about emotional things, mind body image etc. And I certainly have those things. But in my case I have come to believe that being male is killing me. Literally. The Testosterone Haze makes me make choices that will do it really easily. Eat a lot, be stressful, hit your kid more, rage in traffic. All of it. I have to transition so I can cure myself. No lie.

This may seem absurd. But I have done some research and there are links between heart disease, testosterone, stress, diabetes and a host of other issues. I am not a clinical scientist. Just an engineer. But I am certain the daily stress of being a guy, put me in the hospital and under the knife. And I do not want to go back, well at least not for that kind of surgery...

So off the weight comes. Each time my scale buddy crosses another decade I get excited. We are in the 220's now. When I look up the BMI average for a 6ft tall woman it is 25.6, or 194 lbs. Which means I need to lose about 30 more lbs to be an average tall woman. Mind you no estrogen yet. But once you lose 50, 30 looks easy. I suspect it is not, and if I want to look female, some of that weight needs some redistribution. So I know it will not be easy. But!

And I guess since I was changing me, I might as well change for the good. And being fat is bad, and so I will now work on skinny. And that is the one change in me that everybody can see, even when "he" is around. And the funny thing is everybody approves of this part of the transformation.

I already see a huge change, my face is leaner, my middle is lessened. And I can see exactly where the other 30 can come from. I looked thin enough to wear a dress to the gala! I figure the "E" will diminish muscle, and probably increase some fat. I hope a wash on weight. So can I be happy being average? Oh yes, you bet I can. Are you kidding. Two choices, an average weight tall woman or a fat man. Easy to choose.

So what does this all mean to me. Well it means that this runs deep. I would not change myself, being fat, for others. I would not do it because it was the right thing. No I did it so I might get into a size 18 skirt, which I do now, and I confess, a few 16s too. And that makes me happy. And if I am lucky, will make me live longer too. And since that living longer thing will mostly be girl time, it is worth the investment.

PS, I noted that I did not tell you how I did it. It is simple, I started eating like a girl. I asked myself what would Sharon eat, and how much. So I did. And wham, it just happened. I am on what I call the little white bowl diet. Whatever fits in the bowl I eat. I do not care what it is, I usually have whatever the rest of them are having. Mind you one helping. There is a little more to it than that, but not a lot.