The Plunge

So I recently mentioned my upcoming 10 days as "me".  Of course I am excited, curious, and have jitters.  The jitters are not being scared as much as they are about making sure things go well.  I think I am over being scared about being me in public.  It happened  one day last month.  I was on my way to see my therapist.  

My therapist is great.  She is more of a catalyst person than a therapist.  For one, she is a GID expert, so she gets it.  I do not have to explain about me, unless of course I feel the need to.  I told her I wanted to start coming to see her as the real me.  She said great! And so this was the second time for that to happen.  I decided that when I go to the effort to do that I will make a day of it and try and have dinner with a friend after.  This is good because it usually means there is myself, and a friend, and sometimes a third (a partner, or whatever).   There is kind of this exponential clocking factor that happens when girls like us collect in one place.  Me=X  Me and somebody else who is trans=X^2,  Three of us and X^3.   You get the idea.  I think the public factor (unless everybody is FT and looks really good) is about X^2.5 or so depending on the venue.

So that means I get a nice evening with a friend and our X-Factor is pretty low.  In fact sometimes I think it does not register at all, of course that probably depends on your presentation (clothes, makeup, hair, manner, body language and voice).  Yes they all matter. Botch one and you will stick out.  I am told I am doing ok there.  Time will tell.  Anyhow...

So I am driving to see the therapist in a fun pair of capris, a nice tank and this wonderful salmon colored jacket.  Yeah, most of those things you can pick out from my pix.  As I am driving I am getting worried.  My therapist's office is in this building that is part mall, part offices, kind of an outdoor mall thing at that.  And I get to thinking, what if I am clocked.  And then I change my brain...

I think of a time, say oh, five years from now.  Assume I am FT.  What is physically different then compared to this very moment?   So I went head to toe.  Ok so the hair will be my real hair, but my wig is pretty good, it is not a cheap one.  My ears will be pierced, but that just means different earrings than the ones I am wearing right now.  My face might be different.  But probably not wholesale, I am thinking mostly soft tissue work.  My beard is mostly gone now.  I have some light stragglers but the are gone with a razor, later I will get the needle for them.

I will still be 6ft tall, I will still have broad (perhaps a little less so) shoulders, my hands will still be big, so will my feet.  My boobs will hopefully be real by then and about the size of my forms today, which I think are proportioned correctly for my frame (They come out someplace between a B and a C).  But to the outside world, they are going to look pretty much the same.  Nobody sees your crotch (I know you were all thinking it so I said it).  The hormones will soften me a bit but I am pretty much going to be me.  And that is the rub.

So five years from now, what is really different than right now?  Not much, to an outside observer.  So, why not just be me now.  And that is when it all aligned for me.  I am me now.  Sure I am not FT and yes there are improvements to make but 90% of me is me right now.  So if I am to live my life as a woman, might as well start with the 90% I am right now.  The last 10% will come from a bottle or a scalpel.  And yes it will help, but it is not the thing that will make me me. 

So I walked into the mall with my purse on my shoulder.  And I looked each person in the eye that I passed and smiled (I smile way more as Sharon).  And got nice good afternoons and hellos etc.  And went to my session.  And that was my catalyst day.

And so now that I am going to be me for 10 days I know I can do it.  So fear is no longer a component.  I write about all of this for those friends I know who are afraid to go and be themselves.  Sometimes you just have to go do it.  Sometimes you just take the plunge and then find you really do know how to swim already.

My next post will be from Chicago or environs...