The Trick Is To Keep Breathing

Ok so my new friend Mara, who may be the most "have my shit together", post-op transwoman on the planet, offered me some sage words of wisdom recently. I know she has ridden the same bumpy road as the rest of us, but she is so composed, and gorgeous, that it it is hard to see her as anything other than this amazonian beauty that she is today. Not to mention a noodle that is processing like a Cray on steroids (computer geek joke, sorry I am what I am).

I was out with her after group and she comes and gives me a lecture, mind you I deserved it, probably. But her lecture was not a "you should stop doing this" kind. It was a, you need to complete your person lecture. She offered me several gems of wisdom. I don't know if she came up with this stuff herself but that does not really matter. Because what does matter is that it is probably the most sound advice I have ever heard about how to deal with being trans.

Her first item was posed as a question. "What are you willing to trade?". The context is, if you do that then you will lose this. For example come out to a friend, are you willing to lose their friendship. But will you feel at peace that they now know. Are you willing to lose some business or your job, because you came out to a co-worker or a business partner. Are you willing to lose your wife and/or children because they are unwilling or unable to accept what you are. Now when I am debating telling somebody, coming out, I ask, what am I willing to trade?

Her second item is "When do you make changes? Answer: When you can't stand it anymore". This dovetails into the first one nicely, because it is the instigator for asking, what are you willing to trade. Meaning, it has to be bad enough to need to make the change, that you are willing to consider the trade at all. We get faced with this idea that we choose to be this way. I think that is wrong thinking. Nobody would choose to be like this. What we do choose is what we feel like we have to do about it.

I find now that every little thing I do, I am testing against these two nuggets of wisdom. A good example, laser hair removal, could not stand it anymore, what is the trade, I might have to explain sometime why I never have a beard or a shadow. Easy enough, I can explain that one. Harder question today, hormones, can I not stand it anymore? Getting pretty close on that one, am I willing to trade something for it. Sure up to a point, I am not ready for FT transition today. Ask me again tomorrow, or the next day. The day is soon, it is just not right now.

Her last bit was a song title, "The Trick Is To Keep Breathing" by Garbage (for the clueless, that is a band). An excerpt from the lyrics:

She's not the kind of girl
who likes to tell the world
about the way she feels about herself
She takes a little time
in making up her mind
She doesn't want to fight against the tide

Lately
I'm not the only one
I say never trust anyone
Always the one who has to drag her down
Maybe you'll get what you want this time around

Now I know I have heard this song before, but never looked at it from a trans perspective and those two previous bits of advice. But this is the one that you really need. Because as you go through this process it is easy to loose perspective and reference. In some cases everything you are and have been is about to be stripped away. Starting over. This can be a fearful thing. This sense of loss of place. Loss of importance. Especially for us late bloomers. Where we really have arrived in life, at the height of our careers, power, money, influence, and are ready to toss it all away. And the panic that set in when we ask ourselves what the hell am I doing. And why would I do this to myself. And we need to remember that "The Trick Is To Keep Breathing" and make it through each day.