Desire - Why the hell would you want to do that?

So one of the points of confusion in all of this is trying to figure out why you are trans. I know some girls, they are obsessed. They are searching for an explanation, the "reason". I am not sure if this is to help them, or help others. I kind of liken it to being sick with a "syndrome".

Meaning, sometimes a person has a medical condition of some kind, I dunno, you don't feel right or well, you go to the doctor, he/she runs tests. Looks stuff up in a book, yeah that is what most of them do, and says, Aha! You have "Fardkarbs Syndrome"! Now your pain/ailment has a name, which makes it feel better or something. I am not sure why that helps, because the answer might be, oh, and we have no treatment for Fardkarbs today, sorry. I suppose knowing that it has been at least researched enough to have a name somehow offers comfort as opposed to the unknown of not knowing. But does it matter?

But! Now you can go around to friends and family and say, see it is real, I have Fardkarbs, it is not my fault, it is a disease you see. I think that a lot of us are looking for that kind of answer, it happened in the womb, hormones did it, my mother wore pants, my dad didn't, my dad hit me with a belt, I am just made that way, my genes are goofy, my DNA hurts, all of my cells have the wrong chromosomes, my mother dressed me funny, my girlfriend told me to do it, you pick, whatever. Yes there is the whole nature vs environment thing, yeah I suppose with conditioning, you could take a normal boy and make him want to be a girl. But that is not what has happened to most of us.

For me it seems to run deeper. More visceral. I need to be a girl. I kind of hate that word, what I really need to be is a woman. I want the confidence of being female. I know that seems oxymoronic to some, but I find that male confidence is structured in bluster and rhetoric. Female confidence is bound in reliability. That is who I feel I am. Reliable. Womanly. At ease.

I want to be pretty. I know, that sounds so superficial. But there I said it. I love the clothes. I like they way I look in makeup. I like my long hair. I like the way I feel in a bra. I want to have to need to wear the bra. I want to have pretty fingers. I love jewelry. I need to have my ears pierced. Basically, everything I do that is female, feels right and normal to me. And if that is the case, then how can it be wrong? Now that does not explain how I got that way, but it does explain why I want to do it. Because it feels good, feels right, feels natural to me.

I want to have somebody hold the door for me, push in my chair, call me ma'am. I want to have a guy stop and change my flat tire (mind you I can do it myself, but why would you when guys will stop and do it for you). I want to not to have to be macho, man up, or tough it out, or "walk it off". I want to cry at the movie, and have my biggest concern be if my mascara is running. I want girl talk. I want real friends.

And of course, there is that third rail topic. Sex. Ohh no, she said sex. There I said it again (think Monty Python, and the knights who say, Nee, with the word "it") Sex. Sex. OK I will stop. When I first looked into the literature on this trans stuff, way back in like 1978 or so, basically, if there was anything sexual about wanting to be a woman, you were not a transsexual. Period. End of discussion. You were a fetishistic freak. Here, here is your box, please climb in, let me tape the lid shut. No wonder so many of us hid out, we did not want to be freaks. I am not a freak. Oddball, sure. Not freak.

Ok so I am going to talk about this, and I kind of touched on it in the orientation post (who do you like). I have had sex (gasp). Yes I admit it, I have two children as evidence. But I did not inhale, and I did not like it. Oh, that is somebody else's story. Sorry. In this case, I can say I probably did like it, cause, I got kids. And I do not have a uterus in my possession. So something happened. What was that? And this bit confuses the hell out of the general public, how can a transsexual be a father. Well let me tell you how. And boys and girls this might get weird so you can either look away, or turn down the sound on your radio. When I orgasm, I am a woman. OMG, she said that, oh no, a woman who orgasms, what will we do. The end of western civilization is nigh.

Yeah, there it is, my big deep dark secret, when I have sex of any kind, I imagine I am female, and well, then it works. In fact, if I do not, then it does not work. Now the question you all have is, is it being female that turns me on, or is it being with somebody else. And this is the rub. I don't know. Yep, never really had sex as a woman. Yes I know hard to believe but the lack of a proper clitoris, vagina, breasts etc kind of precludes it. Would I like sex as a woman, dunno, but all evidence (the stuff between my ears) says yes, and hmm, isn't that ok? I mean, normal women have sex don't they? Why can't I? Please note I have left the mechanics of said sex out of the discussion here, but lets just say, anthing that works to exite, is sex. See I said it again. One more time... SEX.

And so how much of this desire to change come from that? Well I can tell you that it is certainly a factor. I would lie if I told you it had nothing to do with it. In fact one of my big concerns about SRS (GRS, GCS or whatever the hell name you think it needs) is will I react as a normal woman afterwords. I think I should have an expectation for that. Don't you? Is it "the" factor. Nope, and if you met me in person, enfemme, you could tell that right away. I am not a "sex kitten". I look like a normal 47 year old woman. Dressed for my age, presenting, as who I would be today save for a "birth defect" that I need corrected at some point.

So desire. That is what this is about isn't it. I desire what women have, I want to be with them. I want to be able to express myself in a feminine way. Be me. Go shopping, be pretty. Or at a minimum, be the best woman I can with what raw materials I have been given.

So that desire, that need. I don't think I can stay a man and be all of those things. I think it is incongruent with who I am inside. This veneer I have to put up today (guy mode) to hide the real me requires are lot of maintenance. And I am tired of putting up the front. And I need my outside to match my inside. And so that is why I need to do this. Desire, that is what motivates me.