Are We Not Women? - Apologies to Devo

So every now and then I get the heebie jeebies from transwomen. Yeah I know you are asking me, hunh? Aren't you one of them? Yeah, I am. But I still get freaked out. Let me explain.

The setting is usually at support group. I go to three different meetings per month, two of which are mostly the same group, with transmen sprinkled in for color every other meeting. I go, en femme now, as it is the only time I really get to be myself. And reality is about 95% of the girls are en femme too, or are FT, or have totally transitioned. So if you walked into the room, at first blush, it is a room full of women. (To be completely fair, every now and then there is a GG in the room) But then you look for a moment, and realize, ah, well not "exactly" women. This is something different. Now this is not a post about passing, so I am not going into that. What it is about is men who are, or are working on becoming, women.

The event, and I have seen it 4-5 times now, usually has to do with a normal guy activity. So here are all these ladies, pretty clothes, makeup, hair, nails, all of the normal female trappings. And the subject of, oh, "How I rebuilt my hot rod", or "I took my motorcycle out this weekend", or "Did you see that game on TV?" comes up. Suddenly there is a flurry of conversation among some of the girls. The conversation is basically guy talk about _______ (fill in the blank). The problem with this talk is, not the subject matter, it is the manner of the discussion. I get the feeling these are not girls talking about cars or whatever, they would choose different words, manner of speaking etc. Then I look around the room and realize. There is not a single woman among us. Heebie Jeebie time. We are all guys, pretending to be women. Ok yeah, that sounds wrong, and my fellow sisters are going to slam me about how they are women and I am being unfair etc. That is not what I mean.

What I mean is, there is probably not one among us, who, wore the white dress at first communion, was a cheerleader (female) in high school, went to the prom as a girl, had a period, birthed a child, truly felt that fear of "could this guy be a rapist" (qualifier, that one might be true for some girls), or any of the other things that natal women (I hate that term cis-gendered BTW, what a crock of shit, look for a post on that one) have experienced. We only have an impression of what that life is really like. How could we really know? And so when we look for common experiences, they are often, guy things. What, no slumber parties?

My wife says we tend to pick out all of the fun stuff about being female and ignore all of the shit stuff because we are men. She says to me, you know, real women clean toilets. I did answer this back with, yes well I don't mind cleaning toilets I just want to be a woman when I do it. She did not like that answer much.

Her point is well taken though. We only think we understand what life is like for women. We do have the possibility to know what life is like for transwomen. I contend these are not the same thing unless you pass stunningly. If so then you get to know what life is like for women, well at least adult, probably middle aged, women. Now I expect I am going to get some earnest discrimination at some point. There is going to be some redneck that clocks me and gives me some shit about being a ___________ (yeah another blank). And that is certainly going to be rough. I am going to be asked to leave places, or not do something, or do do something that other women will not be asked to do (bathroom issues come to mind). But none of that is the day to day stuff my wife is talking about (lower pay, less respect, discounted opinion, how pretty are you). Maybe being trans is harsher, so I am not so worried about what she is talking about. Or maybe I want it, because then at least I will be in the sisterhood of regular women. Dunno.

Since we have been men, or facsimiles thereof, I think we end up with the confidence to be transwomen. That might sound nuts. I have always joked that it takes balls to change your gender (no slight to transmen, they get balls, we lose them). But my point is this is hard to do, and it might be that in order to be able to do it you need to take the bit of confidence you have developed as a guy and use it to become the woman. This is decidedly not a feminine thing, this confidence. I think older women develop it, and have it over time, and is the source of their feminine power, but as neo-women, we cheat and use what we know.

I was out after group with a few girls, we go for a bite to eat and coffee after. The topic of the period came up. There was this kind of uncomfortable pause. The issue was, if you want to out a transwoman, ask her for a tampon. Odds are she does not have one in her purse. Let alone know how to use it, what brands are best etc. One of the girls suggested just carrying one in your purse so if you ever get the call from a GG in the ladies room you can help her out. Thus creating cover for yourself. My opinion is that ain't a bad idea. But it poses a bigger question.

Are we a class of women, who will never really be women. Argh, all of the trans gods are spitting at me. Not to mention bunches of transfeminists. Ok, sit down ladies. And get over yourselves. Here is my point. No matter how much I feminize myself, how perfectly I conform, how much I seem, appear, act a lady. I am going to be missing something, and this is not a question of anatomy (I know I will not have all of the exact girl bits, not at least until there is some kind of spiffy gene therapy thing you take to change yourself). This is a question of experience. I can live as a woman, privately, socially, in all ways. But unless I transitioned at say age 5, I do not have my girlhood available to me, as a reference point. That means there are things I don't know, that were learned a long time ago. I am behind the curve. Forever.

So I pose the question, Are We Not Women? Are we something different? Are we chasing something that is not real? I know what I want to be. I want to be normal. I want to be female. I want to be accepted. I can only hope to get there someday. But I hope that my past does not impede me from speed learning. It seems to me that what is needed by most or all transwomen are some good natal female friends, who can give a girl a clue. I am talking about simple stuff that we think we know. Some of it has been learned by transwomen, and passed along. I was fumbling for my keys in my purse. I got told, never take your bag off your shoulder when you do that. Good advice, bet that is normally learned when you are 15, or does it just come naturally? I wonder...