Leakage - When she bleeds through

Ok that title seems provocative. It is not intended to be. Let's remind you of where I am in this process. I am not FT. I am not taking hormones (yet). But I have accepted the following. I am female, I need to have a birth defect corrected at some point, that will take some time, and because the rest of the world cannot handle that I need to spend time crossdressing as a guy and pretending to be male in the interim. And that I will be "her" more and more as time goes on until the rest of the world is ready, or I cannot stand it, whatever comes first. Sounds nuts I know.

Woot!

So what happens when I forget to "guy up", and leave the default person, my female self, "on". Well I call that, yeah you guessed it, leakage. And what happens is she bleeds through into the world. This can be a bit disconcerting, of course, and sometimes you need to recover, and others not.

I have noted over the years that there are some men with effeminate manners. I do not know if these were just uninhibited men, or gay men, or trans people in denial, or just men that never considered what they were doing might be feminine in some way. The leg cross comes to mind, usually that comes from a skinny man, and seems pretty natural in most cases. I think society accepts that, but also has kind of pushed guys away from that because it is something that most women do do. I have found that since embracing my transness, I feel more free to cross, but only usually do it a home (watching TV comes to mind) and when I am channeling "me" at therapy and group. And as a rule, since I have not done this as my male self, if I do start doing it will be concern that others will note the change. But now that I have embraced me, when I am in drab, I have to consciously choose not to cross. Which is a new thing for me, basically, remembering how to pass as a guy, who knew.

What surprises me so much is that since taking off my male real world "avatar", things like crossing my legs, just happen when I sit down, it is not even a conscious thing, it just happens. This is true for a lot of other mannerisms now that I am in the process of killing him off, or at least putting him into the cage I have been in for the last 40 something years. For example, I was looking in a storage closet the other day for something. Out of frustration in not finding the the thing I was looking for I opened the doors wide and stepped back a foot or two. Then I noticed it. My hands. One was on my hip, the other was as limp as a dishrag. The hip one clearly said, frustrated woman, and the other one said, well you already know what that says. I was frankly, astounded, it is like there is a whole other person in here, and she has a mature set of behaviors.

I had always thought the limp wrist thing was an affectation. A learned thing. It is not, in my case it would seem to be the default, like what you do when you are not thinking about it. And as I look back on my life I am just now realizing that I had inhibited that behavior and many others in the required male filter. In a way, having my hands now freed, when I talk and express myself is like a breath of fresh air. Like the handcuffs have been removed. And of course, when in guy mode, if I forget, will completely bust me. Guys do not gesture that way. And when I forget I try and recover, usually clumsily. If fact there are a couple of tablecloths in local restaurants of late that have suffered the spilled beverage from my now, over active hands. The girl needs to realize she is doing it.

I note from my videos, yeah, been taking some of those lately, my manner, in speaking, and head motions are also pretty feminine by nature too. These are all good things for me, and are helping me pass. I am not so lucky with other body movements and I suspect the hands are primal in some way, the rest not. I am working on walking properly, now this is a mixed bag as I probably just need time in my new shoes. I find that in flats, I do have a more feminine walk, I probably look like a gay man, more fluid, flowing, and it feels right to me. Something about how I hold my hands, and there is a lilt in my stride, I would not say there is a swish to it, just a lilt. It is very anchored to the hands oddly enough. But en femme there is another factor.

Heels, I do love them, and they make tall girl like me taller, but also make me feel more feminine, and I of course love that. But it does mean the girl is like 6-3 in 3 inch pumps. So walking is coming along, but not nearly perfect, I suspect some 24/7 time will fix that for me. And since that is on my gameplan I expect to have it worked out before long.

Of course that also means that walk needs to be kept in check in guy mode, so what I usually do is remind myself to "guy up" and it takes care of itself for now, but as I keep transitioning, I can see this is going to get harder and harder to do.

Here are the really tough ones to get right as a woman - sitting, standing, lifting, squatting, bending. I suspect that these do have to be learned, as there is something about center of gravity involved in each, and although in my head I am all girl, in body still boy, and the center of gravity is where it is. I suppose it moves some with hormones, but reality is it probably does not, I suppose adding boobs helps. So from a leakage point, this is minimal, but from a transition point, needs improvement. This is the one area where I know some coaching is needed, for example I had a skirt on the other day and as I got into my truck, I realized I needed to learn a new way to get in and out of it. I figured it out quickly, the nice thing about a skirt is, it will remind you when you are not doing it right :)

But this post is about leakage, and not passing, and in a sense they are intertwined, just like my psyche. And so the other big leakage space is talking. And there are two points in here, manner and content. And I find that Sharon is creeping into "his" space on both. I have been working on a passable female voice. What I now notice is Sharon pops out when I do not expect it. This means my male voice has changed a little. It is less guy like, my manner of speaking has softened, I do not know if others have noticed this, but I sure have and it scares me shitless.

Now it probably does not help that I talk to myself, I have always done this, but now, I only talk to myself as Sharon, I say things like "That was pretty stupid Sharon, don't do that again", and so unless there is somebody around that does not know, and that is most people, Sharon owns the room. This of course means sometime, someday, I am going to get caught as somebody will be standing behind me and I will not notice it. I have had some close calls, but it has not happened yet.

And so I am wondering about the inevitable bust. The manner, the spoken phrase, the gesture, the walk. As I spend more time as Sharon, Sharon wants more time. She (and I know we are one and the same, so please no split personality analysts) has had enough and wants to be out there, and boy she is one pushy broad. I knew she would be, that is why I have had her locked away. Sometime somewhere somehow, somebody is going to notice the leakage. My question is, do I care if they do, should I stop trying to hide it so much? I do not know the answer to this.

How feminine can a 47 year old guy, who has been presenting essentially as sensitive macho, be? Certainly without raising an eyebrow. Or suspicion. Or anything. Or do I just start phasing these changes in? Does it help if you start to telegraph your femininity before you actually come out? That seems to me to be a dangerous thing. And remember, based on the current rule set, I cannot be FT for 5 more years. How do I balance that? Because even a slow leak in a boat, for 5 years, still means that boat is underwater, at least it is unless you know how to bail.