Door #3 Monty - What do you like?

So one of the first things out of my wife's mouth when I told her I was trans was, "Well who do you like now, men or women?" It is kind of amazing that in most peoples minds how what you are and what you like are supposed to be totally linked. I wish it were that simple.

I told her, I don't know.

Well that is loaded in itself, on a couple fronts. One, I don't know, is the honest answer. Or perhaps the real answer is why do I have to choose, or why do I have to choose right now? Ok this gets really complicated so strap in for the ride.

First of who you are, meaning your person, or in some cases who you present as, might not have anything to do with who you are attracted to. Now we know and in many cases accept this. Hetero folks, like those that are not what they are. This presumably due to the normal procreation aspect of the biology. Gay folks like those that are what they are, guys and guys, gals and gals. I don't really know what the foundation for that is but I accept that it is just so. And then there are folks, who work both sides of the coin. And that seems about as normal as either of the first two cases. Then there is a fourth class I hear now called "pan". Which from what I can tell is close to being bi but you do not care what the gender of the person is, and that that person's gender can be fluid in some way and that works for you too.

Ok so four buckets, hetero, gay, bi, and pan. And my take is, they all flow into one another, meaning you could be mostly hetero, but maybe a little bi, etc etc. In fact I think this is how it is for most folks, they just won't admit it for social, religious or other reasons. So where does the transsexual fall on this scale. The answer is, gosh, you can be any or all of them. Yep, being transsexual has nothing to do with your orientation as near as I can tell. What I do know is that some girls as they transition, will find their orientation, changes, or broadens.

And so that goes back to my wife's question, do you like boys or girls? And I guess I don't want to choose door #1 or door #2, I choose door #3 or maybe even door #4. Now here is the rub, I have never been gay as far as I know, I have never had a relationship with a guy, and frankly gay sex really does not interest me. But, as a woman, with all of the right working parts, I can see myself with a man, for at least the benefit of "discovery". I mean if I go to the trouble of getting myself a vagina, I think it would be normal and natural to want to use it some time. And yes, as a woman I can see giving my male lover head, does that make me gay, I think not. And I confess that I have upon occasion in my life, every now and then, felt that, oh, inner twitter, when I have looked at some guy. I suspect, it was my inner girl going, gosh, he is good looking.

On the flip side, with women, I have had conflicted feelings. Well here is the rub, when with a woman as a male, all I could usually think about was, what it was like to be her. I would project myself into her female form, and experience things from that perspective. So I now wonder, if I have accepted that I am female, what might a real lesbian relationship be like, especially if I do not have to imagine I have a vagina, breasts and all the other normal girl hardware. If I am a girl, how will I feel about being with a girl. And I have no idea what the answer is to that.

This is compounded by the fact that I am married to a woman today. I do love her. Our sex life has been the pits and now is worse. I am not sure I can expect her to become a lesbian, and even if she could, I am probably not her type. So where does that leave me? Limbo...

Of course there are the third and fourth doors. Door three says pick both, and door four is something even more mysterious. It says, you are probably attracted to a transperson. Now I contend that this one is probably a lot less confusing if you are trans yourself already. Basically you are falling for the person, their gender almost does not matter unless you like to put them into one of the other boxes for your convenience.

And the reality is, while in transition, getting into a relationship might be a pretty bad idea, especially if that person you are seeing, is not falling for you as the person, rather than what you are presenting as at the moment. You might get really lucky, and find that somebody that does not care about your gender, and loves you for you regardless. If so, hang onto him/her, I suspect this person is a rare find.

So where am I? Well if I am a girl, I can see being with a guy, I can also see trying on a female lover, will I want both or either in the long run. No idea. Can I see myself with a transperson, yeah I can, because I can see that she or he would totally understand what I am and not have any reservations. So what do I like, no idea, and I suspect it will change based on hormones, experiences, and who the other person is...