Rushing

[I wrote this back in January 2011 but did not post it.  I guess I had reservations at that time about the tone.  So you now get it belated with a few modest edits. My surgery is on 4/19/2011]

I have finally made plans for the rest of my surgery.  You know, the one the rest of the world calls the "big one".  It is kind of funny.  I mean in many ways this is the one that nobody can see.  So it makes you wonder what is the preoccupation with it.  I mean if I was having my gall bladder out, or appendix or something folks would not think twice about it.  What has surprised me is the reaction of some of my trans friends.

A few months back, almost 3 now, I had FFS.  I had an evening I wrote about not having a great experience in the gayborhood with my new mug.  One friend of mine took those events out of context and posed to me that I had remorse or lament about my surgery. That somehow I had moved too fast, and that to put it nicely, was not ready.  I found that really interesting.  Yes, I was indeed beside myself that evening on what was "broken" in my world.  But after a fashion I parsed it.  The problem was not in me, but in the place I was in.

I discovered that folks I do not know will likely have some degree of Transdar when it comes to me.  There is no reason to assume their superpowers are any less developed than mine are.  In fact they may even be better.  Certainly another transperson can see that I am trans.  Probably quickly.  I have just been really lucky that a large portion of the population does not have that scope well tuned.  

But that is not what my friend was after.  She was after me to admit that I had reservations, or lament, over getting surgery.  And the truth is, the only possible lament is that there is a bridge now burned.  Meaning the only direction I can go is forward.  For my friends who have not had surgery, going back, might be an option.  And I wonder if my decision to take away that option leaves them more uncomfortable than they were prepared for.

And so that brings us to the so called bottom work.  These same friends seem to be worried about something here, but they cannot put their finger on it I guess.  Or maybe they are afraid to?  It would seem that in the strata I am about to shift layers.  I cannot tell if they are worried I will move on and leave them behind, or they are having angst because they would like to come along but are not able because of circumstance or worse yet, fear.  It is entirely possible I misread this concern.  But I keep getting asked, are you sure?

I would be clear on this topic.  I have never hated "it".  Never stood in the kitchen with a butcher knife, never loathed myself, never abused "it" in any way.  It was merely how I got made.  And so I dealt with it.  And throughout my transition I have never developed anything more than a "discomfort" of the incongruity of "it" and who I have become.  That, and my pants do not always fit the way I would like and a bathing suit is kind of out of question.  Aside from that, in many ways this feels like a comment made by a post-op friend of mine. She said, "When the time comes, it will be about as significant as getting a mole removed."  Wow!  And yet, I am nearly in that same place right now.

The real answer is I want this intense "transition" phase to be over with.  I want to get on with life and do important things. At least things that are important to me.  And I have long ago decided that transition, or being trans, is not what defines me.  No more than being tall, or my eye color, or hair color.  It is just another attribute I posses.  

So rather than draw it all out, I am ready to get it done.  And I think that is what is bugging my non-op friends.  For them, their transitions have been many many years, long. A drawn out processes.  And for me, mine really happened a long time ago.  Now I am just executing on the plan.  

I see this in some of the group meetings I attend.  Some girls have this grief phase they are in.  They are mourning their old selves.  They often do so with other mourners.  Be they friends or family.  I guess I can understand that.  But I have not experienced it.  In my mind I made my transition on LifeDay.  The formation of me was much more like sculpting.  I believe Michelangelo was once asked about his method of sculpting.  He stated, I see the form in the marble, and my task is to take away the bits that do not belong.  I have probably paraphrased that so forgive me.  But for me, that is kind of how my transition has gone.  Taking bits away.  And then revealing what is left.  My FFS surgeon parroted a similar sentiment on his work.  He said in your case we only took things away.

And so as my date nears in the next few months I am wondering not how the world at large is going to treat me but how my community of friends is going to feel.  I am certain I have not rushed to a decision here.  Of course I have been certain of other things in the past and been wrong about them too.  But more often my "gut" told me the truth and others around me and my head tried to convince me with rational precision that I was wrong.  And yet in the end, the "gut" was really right.  That is the place that I am.  I need to move ahead, and be done with this exercise of the mechanics of transition so I can just live life.  Will my transition be complete?  Yes, someday.  But that day probably involves a long term lease on a pine box.