LifeDay

This is one of those posts that have stewed in my head for a very long time. With some of these posts I find that I have to write, and go back and mod, sometimes over a period of weeks as the thoughts form. This won't be one of those. This will be done in a single sitting.

The reasons why are easy. In your life you have inflection moments. Those sequences of events that shape your existence for all time going forward. For some it is a birth or a wedding, others the loss of somebody close. Maybe it was a harsh word, or one of encouragement. Maybe it was one where you made some deep mental connection that changed your perception about life and your very existence.

Exactly twelve months ago I had such an event. I have eluded to it in other posts but never put it right out there. So here it goes.

In November 2008, for the first time in my life I admitted to another person that I was a transsexual. I did not know what the implications of that were, or would be for me. I had established a rapport with my therapist on the topic. And had disclosed the nature of my GID to my spouse, whom I had told some 20 years before that I had "an issue".

On the Saturday prior to Thanksgiving my spouse and I had a somewhat nasty discussion. After which I managed to whack my head into the sheetrock of our front hall. I left an impressive dent in it. The nature of my lament was I had "come clean" on what was in my head, and had taken away that that answer would never be good enough. I had hoped that my honesty would allow for forgiveness. It did not. On this evening I was tortured by three separate demons.

The first of having to make amends for not being true to my family and spouse. In this argument it became clear, she would likely never forgive me for what I was, that our marriage could never go back to "business as usual", that she would forever hate the person that my male persona had been.

The second that although I knew in my soul I was female, that my exterior would "never" be a success in the world in creating a convincing female presentation. On this one I have been chastised by other TS women. Their claim seems to be that if you feel it to be so, the whether or not you ever pass is not important. My answer, bullshit. For me to view a transition as practical I needed to know that I could go on with my life, as a woman, not some concoction of a woman.

Third the specter of what a public transition might do to my family, my business, and all of the other aspects of my life. This I could not picture.

In fact it was this that was the primary instigation to my next act. I took some pills. I am not saying what, or how many. It was enough to make me pretty sick. My spouse intervened and I ended up in the hospital. I am not going to speculate on other outcomes.

I found it ironic that 24 hours ago we celebrated the TDoR, but had I been a bit more industrious I might have been a candidate for the list, but my guess is I would not have made it. What I mean is there are probably many such tortured souls who never told anybody they were Trans and so they will never see that recognition of having their name read.

And so a day later, Sunday morning sometime, I awoke in a hospital in a wing where the doors have keycards and nobody left or came of their free will. I would stay in this place for 3 days. Again I will not cover the gory details of my delightful long weekend. Suffice to say, it sucked.

In all of this there is a silver lining. You see around the second night there I met the night nurse, Ruth, who changed my life forever. Not a shrink, or a loved one. The night nurse. As I sat there with my eyes glued on a clock Ruth came over to talk to me.

"What is the matter with you honey?" she inquired. At this point I figured she already knew. It was probably plastered all over the chart "WARNING: THIS PERSON HAS A GENDER ISSUE!". So I just told her, I am transgendered, and likely a transsexual. She looked me in the eyes and said in the most matter of fact way, "Is that all?". I about fell out of the chair. She then proceeded to tell me she knew a lot of transgendered folks, and that she made jewelery for all of the "girls" at the hospital. I said "All?" She said yeah, there are a bunch here, I asked "That I can count on my fingers and toes?" She said, "yes".

We went on to talk about me, and my "affliction". What it would mean to my kids, my spouse, my work and the rest of the world. She joked, "Well one thing for sure, you will be a plus size girl." She was right about that one. And after a few hours of conversation I realized she viewed me as a woman. And it was at that moment that I had my "inflection" point.

I accepted that I was Transsexual. That is different than you knowing you are. That is something that usually happens when you are young. This was a different place. This was acceptance that I am what I am without shame. Without condition, that I would go on living and have to learn how to live knowing this about myself and that others outside of me would also know, and that it was ok.

I do not want to leave you with the wrong impression of events. It was some weeks later that I began to get to my next step. That of embracing being "trans". Taking it. Owning it. Being it. That would come later and I will post on those events eventually. Nor has this been a cake walk either. That acceptance has a pricetag. A hefty one in some cases. For me it cost me my marriage, and now effects a heavy toll on my wallet, my person and my time.

Which is most unfortunate. Because without her intervention that night I might not be writing this post. I would have never seen Sharon in the mirror. Would have never had the real me see the light of day. Would never have let my kids meet and get to know my true self. There would probably be no TransParentDay for others to enjoy. So I owe my, soon to be former, spouse for all of that. I have no idea if she ever reads this stuff I write here. But just in case. Thank you for my life. I am sorry we have fallen apart. I wish it could be different. But it is what it is, just like me.

And so here I sit, exactly a year later. Wondering what comes next. No not on the transition trail, that stuff feels like mechanics to me. Do this, do that, take this, don't do this, etc. etc. Box checking, something I am really good at. No I am wondering when I sit down a year from now and reflect on 2 years since that dire night where will I "be". Not geographically mind you. Where will I be as a human being. I am not afraid as much as I am curious. On my nightstand is "Comfortable With Uncertainty". I am learning how to deal with that uncertainty. It seems to be an ever so gradual process.

I think I am going to call the Sunday before Thanksgiving "LifeDay". It is the day I started living again. The day I accepted me. Good and bad. I suspect many of us have a LifeDay. We don't celebrate them like birthdays but I suspect they are way more important that just noting another personal orbit of the sun.

So is there a purpose in this post? Yes. I have no regrets of those events of a year ago. It proved to be a catalyst. Without out it I might not have figured out as much about me as I have. Would I recommend that method to others. Absolutely not. Let me at least be the harbinger of good fortune. To those of you with personal angst. I know your pain. To those who do not see a way out, or forward do not go into the dark place. If you possibly can, take something from my experience. If not I do so understand.

If I have any any one single purpose on the planet I want you all to know that no matter how impossible you may feel your situation to be. No matter how dire. No matter how alone or unloved you may feel at any instant. There is always hope. Please believe me. You can overcome this. You can be you. And you are so very not alone in this.

Come take my hand and walk with me in the sunshine of a new day.

Happy LifeDay to me...