Sharon in Neitherland

Sorry if you read me "regularly" as I have been remiss in posting. That has been for a lot of reasons of late. I won't list them all here, well maybe just a few. Custody case, divorce proceedings, getting settled in new place, getting son squared away with life changes, and of course transition stuff. Gee I guess that is actually all, or at least most of them. Or as they say, life, that stuff that happens while you are making plans. Yes indeed, life.

Of late I have had this recurring "funk" I get into. Kind of a "why bother" thing. Why bother putting on your hair and makeup, you only have to take it off later, read on...

At the moment I am stuck in this "in between" state. Not he, not really she either. In fact, on some days I am he, and others she. This is really a misnomer, inside I am always she. However on some days I have to present as he. In a recent week I toggled daily, and sometimes twice in the same day. Meaning part of the day I was he, and part of the day I was she.

My lawyer (who is Trans too) told me that at this point in the journey we are actually forcing ourselves into an artificial split personality, our own little self induced schizophrenia. It is not chronic mind you, just acute. It goes away quickly when you can stay one way or the other for a day or two. Interesting though that the longing to be just one, her, never goes away.

So as a funk goes this one is troubling. Now I know all the lectures about being andro/metro whatever. Where folks want you to be in the dude or the chick column and not straddle the two. And I know for me, eventually, the chick column is home. But as many of you dear readers know, it ain't quite that simple. So I find myself like one of those sci-fi adventure heros where the earth has formed a big crack and I am straddling it as it grows wider. Eventually I have to leap to the left or the right or fall in. However today is not the day I need to leap, despite the urgings of onlookers shouting, jump! jump!

Yesterday my lawyer makes a housecall, she transitioned over a decade ago BTW. And oh you are noting, a lawyer that makes housecalls? Yeah, they exist, I got one. Anyhow, I am working from home that day. Mind you in what I now call, soft mode. It means my now growing hair is let to fall down and frame my face. I sport a girl watch. Sometimes my clothes are boy, fatigues and a polo, sometimes girl, jeans and a fem t-shirt. This day I am boy. I answer the door, she looks at me, smiles a bit, and then shakes her head back and forth. Almost in a disapproving manner. I cannot tell if she is amused, or thinks I am foolish, or is recalling her own days of transition. I poke her on it but she has a clever habit of changing subjects on such things.

But without really pressing her I know what it is. It is the Neitherland effect. I look softer, in the middle, not girl, not boy. She has already told me she does not approve of slow transitions. Not like she has much say about mine. But I got her silent point. I am a "tweener" right now.

My take is this stage is inevitable. Unless you are the sort that goes home on Friday and comes back on Monday "re-gendered", to the shock of everybody. That seems harsh, and uncalled for. Maybe it is easier. I do not know, it is not on my path.

So back to that funk. Today is a really good example. I could have had an all girl day. I have a treatment at laser this AM, voice class later, some friends have invited me to dinner. But the treatment at laser is a micro-derm on my face (they tossed it into the package). And although that sounds just fine, as I present today I still use the wig. And wearing that, and having somebody do stuff to your face with liquids and creams and such seems problematic. Mind you I go to electro with wig on, but in that case 90% of my electrologists clients are Transwomen, so no biggie. So today I get up in a funk. Be she, or be he, that is the question. What a question to ask oneself. Like it was red socks or green. Paper or plastic. In the end I decide it is just "easier" to be boy for laser, then come home and be girl for the rest. Neitherland here I come.

I know at some point this crap will no longer matter to me. I am soon there. I have started going places in my neighborhood as Sharon. This is either wise or foolish, probably both. But I have determined that few see him, when the see her. This works for me, and I will play it, but eventually the connection will be made. I am hoping soon for the day when I just get up, and be me and not worry about presentation. The goal of "oneness". I am not sure how far off that is. But I am certain there are two parts.

The first part is oneness out there. Meaning folks see me, as me, and not as two people with different genders. That still has some work for me to do. At this point on my business and public service sides of the coin. The second is oneness within me. So that I do not care about the wig, the forms or any of the rest of it. That I can just go about and be me. That is also going to take some effort. However that effort is all in the wetware (the stuff between your ears, hon).

So in the meantime I will continue to explore my Adventures in Neitherland. This conundrum of who to be day by day. I will seek integration of all of that. I am reminded of a conversation with my shrink (a term of endearment BTW) from last year. I asked is there a way one can integrate these male and female aspects of yourself? She said yes there is, and it has a name. I was thrilled to know this, I asked what it was called. She said transition. I laughed then, but she is right. So I will continue to explore Neitherland for a bit more. Ooh look there is a cup that is labeled "Drink Me" I wonder what that does?