Transdar

Apologies to all who lurk here for my silence. I hope to be posting again with some regularity now so welcome back if you ran away. So here we go...

I am sure you have all heard the term "Gaydar" for that knack that some of us have for identifying those individuals who are gay or lesbian. Like it was some kind of "magic" to pick up on the woman that looks like a linebacker sporting a Dick Butkis haircut, or the fella with the "man" bag and the leg warmers. Well done! You get a prize. However a similar thing exists for transfolk too. I call it "Transdar". Of course as with normal radar, there are always cases of some folks being so stealth that they literally fly under it and others where the detection is a false alarm. So it is by no means perfect.

Those of us in transition, or post transition would like to think we pass all the time. Some do and some don't, but by and large the uneducated public does not notice if you "present" anything even close to normal. And by normal, I mean your appearance is exactly what it might have been if you were born in the gender of your preference. WTF does that mean Sharon? It means that if you are a 48 year old woman, you look like just that. A 48 year old woman. I am not saying you have to be the sweatpant and baggy T-shirt wearing, I gave up on my appearance years ago type. Just one that looks her age. Acts like a lady. And does not stick out like a sore thumb. You do not have to be stunning, or sexy, just be "normal".

If you want to see normal, go sit in an airport terminal and make note of the women your age. Go ahead, it will cost you the price of parking. Or go to the mall if you like. Go and sit and watch. And look for the women your own age. Trust me, they are there. Or maybe you are lucky enough to work in in office environment with women your age. Note everything, clothes, hair, makeup, jewelry, handbags, demeanor, walk, posture, how to sit, all of it. And if you are lucky, and can afford it, emulate them.

If you do, and do so with confidence, you are probably going to pass most of the time. Of course if you have the features of Lerch from the Addams Family that might be optimistic. I am pretty sure Fred Gwynne (Herman Munster) would probably have needed FFS to even remotely pass. But the reality is most of us do not look like that. But 'nuff said, what about Transdar?

So in my travels on this journey I find sometimes you are going to come across some interesting situations. I have... Let's say you are in a public place and well, you run into somebody. Somebody you know, or suspect is trans.

That matrix gets pretty complicated quickly. Are they trans or not? If they are trans are they presenting or not? Do they know you are trans or not? Are you presenting or not? Have they ever seen your drabself? Have you ever seen their drabself? This alone creates confusion. Of course in some cases, and I hope for me soon too, they are fulltime and it cuts that matrix down alot. But I have had the situation where my drabself forgets that others have never seen "him", or forgot what "he" looks like, and I go on like nothing happened. I saw a fulltime friend on a street corner a week ago and honked at her and waved. I forgot I was my drabself. She looked so puzzled. Doh! Sorry to my friend "K" if you are reading this.

I know of at least seven times where my drabself has intersected with my trans friends, most of them full time. In at least 2 cases they did not recognize me at first. I have had cases where a trans friend who knew only my drabself did not recognize my trueself when meeting me. And I guess this amount of confusion is probably normal during transition, or at least until that FTD (Full Time Day). Um, Sharon where you headed here woman?

Oh, right "Transdar". So as a person who studies women and transwomen and herself you start to get a sense of what is right and wrong. And thus you develop a skill at detecting transwomen. But like I said, thankfully it is wrong sometimes. Others it is spot on. So sometimes I make a natal woman as trans, thankfully there are big women out there otherwise I would be toast at passing. And sometimes a transwoman is so totally convincing that you do not know, until she tells you.

I have a close friend who I watched go through transition, she started a few months before we met. So I can see how she has changed. But today, if you met her, you would never know. And that is awesome, she is way way way under the radar. Thankfully she did not go into the woodwork so I got a chance to know her. :)

So my take is my transdar is ok. But like all superpowers what is it good for? I mean, so I can tell you are trans. So what?

This happened recently to me on a trip. I am inline for the TSA security check (look for a whole other post on TSA and being trans), and there is a woman in a lane next to me. She is a bigger and taller gal so she immediately gets my attention. Her hair is long, her makeup spot on, her dress appropriate, nails done, the whole package. And she is trans. I know because of telltale signs. She could use a little FFS (Please no cards and letters on the merits or not of that, yes I know there are lot of natal women who could use FFS too). And the real key was the build and her hands. Transwoman build, big on top, normal on bottom. Same goes for me. We all look like Amazon's. She was trans, I had no doubt. And so I felt a kinship with her. I wanted to talk to her, to tell her I was trans too (me as drabself). To share the sisterhood.

And so did I run up and tell her? No. I did nothing. Why? Because my talking to her in that manner would have meant I had "read" her. And although me being trans, and perhaps telling her so, might lessen that potential pain it still might hurt her and wreck an otherwise lovely day. I began to wonder what is the protocol when transpeople meet transpeople. At a conference or group, or in the gayborhood. No big deal. At the airport, the mall, the school. Hmm. What is the ruleset?

I tried to put myself in her boots (which were very nice BTW). If I am flying as my trueself (something I will do soon) how would I feel if I was made by another transperson. Especially one in drab. I decided I would not like it, not because I would not talk to the person, but because of the venue. It would be akin to being gay and saying outloud "I can tell you are gay" to a gay man, and then saying "it is ok, so am I." Not the sort of conversation starter I might look for.

It is interesting how, when in public, people want to know if they are kindred spirits. I have a friend who is a member of AA. She does not hide this fact, but neither does she wear it on a tee shirt either. I was in a diner with her one night and a fellow came up to her and asked if she knew "Bill W.". She paused for a moment, smiled with recognition and then said, "Why yes, yes I do know Bill W." The other person said, "I thought so", and moved on with a smile. I did not know of this "greeting" but my friend explained to me. Apparently Bill W. was one of the founders of AA. And it made sense for a group where most people have something they do not want aired in public. Thus it is the default greeting when outside of a meeting. Neat, a code.

I was relating my experience in the airport to a very good friend of mine who transitioned several years ago. By all assessments, she is a looker now. She is tall and thin. She told me a story about being approached at an airport and being asked by a fellow passenger, "Do you know Donna Rose?". That is an interesting question, and a very clever way to say, I suspect you are trans, if you do know Donna then you probably are, and if you do not then maybe you are a natal woman. Very clever. My friend of course said "Yes, I know her". The questioning woman said, "Well you look great!". This was a good outcome. But, my friend was still "read" by somebody else's Transdar. And I think she had mixed feelings about this encounter. But on the whole was not upset by it.

I am thinking that in the future, regardless of my presentation, I might use a similar tool to "break the ice". It is possible I might offend, but if it is done with grace and character then it is likely I might meet another friend on this road who is walking in the same direction as me. And if so maybe I can turn the Transdar off, if just for minute.