Keeping The Band Together

As most of us confirm for ourselves, I have been trans my whole life.  But I ignored it. Ignore is not the right word.  Tolerate might be better.  But even that comes up short.  It is like one of those things that you know about something but are willing to overlook.  There must be a word for that, I would be surprised if the Germans don't have some word like "Freundnichtsehen" or something like it.  What more could you expect from folks who actually have a word for "taking delight in the misfortune of others".  But I digress.

It took me until 47 years of age to act, and then it only happened at the instigation of another.  Meaning like the dog that jumps when kicked I was lying dormant.  Inactive. Inert.

Part of the reason I was was that I had never had the courage to be myself, and walk out the front door and go connect with those like me.  When I started on my own journey of exploration in 2008 I did not know a single transperson in the world.  Sure I knew who some were, but that is not the same as interacting with them, breaking bread, or having a drink.  Finding a way to ask questions.  I had none of that.  To put it bluntly.  I had no friends who were trans.  None.

When I look today at my facebook friends list I am kind of surprised.  I presently have about 167.  I know, you facebook diehards are scoffing.  So what?  Well if you look at my criteria it means something.

I usually only friend you if we have met in the real world, or have met and had conversation in some other forum, or we have a lot of mutual friends who know you in real life too. Sorry.

So you see those are not a Pokemon-esq collection of friends ("Gotta catch 'em all").  These are all "real" people.  Not just somebody that stumbled on me on somebody else's page and said, "Oohh, I want to friend her".  Nope, most of them I have sat and talked with at one time or another.  There is a very very small number of folks I have friended outside that space.  

And of those friends I presently have about 20 or so that I am pretty close with.  Meaning they have been to my home, slept in my guest room, had breakfast or maybe even have a key to my front door.  I have taken to referring to them as the "posse".  They are my advisors and confidants.  My personal support group in many ways.  Mind you, they are all independent actors.   I have no dominion over them in any way.  

When I was in college I played in a ten piece funky horn band.  No lie.  We were a mix between Tower of Power and Earth Wind and Fire.  We were really good.  In fact friends have kept that band going for 30 years.  Wow!  Go here and you can see them still, and hear them too.  There is even an original pix of the band from 1981 that I am in.  Good luck picking me out. 

My point was that even in the beginning it was really hard to keep that band together.  Personalities, agendas, feelings, perceptions all come into play.  There were times when I went on stage where the lead singer hated the drummer.  Or the bass player hated the guitarist.  Or the piano player hated me, the lead trumpet.  Yeah, that happened.  We played together for 6 months regularly and he said not word one to me in that time.  But, the show went on.  And still does, now, without me, or that piano player for that matter, and has done so for many many years.  

I moved on to other things like a finishing up my schooling (are we ever really done with that?), working, and later starting companies and creating jobs for people.  I helped create two really neat kids.  But as all things, times change.  Needs move, and expectations are sometimes unmet.  And sometimes that is because it would not be possible for somebody to meet them.  It happens.

But, seeing that that band is still together after all these years and it gives me some hope.  I saw some of those band members a few years back before I started transition.  We met in NYC and had a session in a studio for old times sake.  It was great.  My kids got to see a side of me they had only heard of.  And even those members with whom I had had some friction had forgotten all of it.  It was a great time.  I hope to tell them soon of my transition and perhaps see them.  But that is not the message of this post.  I shared that tale to illustrate a point.  Keeping a group together requires active, hard work.  It does not just "happen".  Especially in modern times and away from places like work, or church or school.

And that is what is bugging me about some of my "new" trans friends.  None of whom knew me a little over two years ago.  I beg the question, "If we were not trans, would we be friends".  Now I know that being trans offers a great initial glue.  Everybody has this secret you see.  And now we all know about it.  And for those who are not "out" or "full-time" there is an unwritten code it seems.  "Thou shalt not out somebody".  We all know it, but it is never spoken.  But the interesting bit is once you are past that issue (meaning I know you are trans, and you know I am) almost everything else is fodder for discussion.  

I can liken it to folks who served together in time of war.  They forged a bond of common intense experience.  I think this is true for transfolk too.  And so you have that "band of brothers" er, "sisters", mentality.  But my question is "Is that enough of a glue to hold it all together?"  As of late I think not.  

I have had a few instances this past year or so where disagreements between friends have blossomed into something much more ugly.  And that is too bad.  But I also know that it is bound to happen.  Because once you strip away the trans bit what do you really have in common?  In many cases, not much.  It reminds me of a quip I stole from my therapist.  "Once you have met one transperson, you have met one transperson.  Not all".  

Most recently I had a falling out with a trans friend.  I would note this would not be my first such fallout in my lifetime, it has happened infrequently before with others, before and after my transition.  I suspect it will happen again someday.  People are human, as such they have flaws.  Everybody has flaws.  I have flaws.  So they make what another might perceive as a mistake, or do some thing that irritates.  What I have found about true friendship is that those flaws are tolerated, or overlooked, as long as they do not require us to compromise principles. That seems to be a breaking point.  And if those flaws strike a nerve or irritate an already present perception it often becomes that which precipitates the fallout.  Usually like a dam that breaks.  The crack was the event, the water behind the dam the impetus.  

In the past 3 months or so I have been silent in this blog.  I probably should have been writing almost daily.  I am still waiting on resolution of a number of life changing events for me.  I'll likely post on those in coming days.  But there is one thing that has truly hurt me.  Of late I got involved in local politics here in Maryland.  Some of you are likely aware of this.  I came out with a position on a piece of pending legislation.  One that has opinions split (and make no bones about it, split is the word) on it here in my home state.  

And so with reference to friendship I have had a number of "trans friends" go on an offensive against me.  And I guess the thing that surprised me was the the voracity of the tone.  And in almost universal consort (there are a few exceptions), rather than challenge my ideas, they challenged me.  My validity to speak for myself.  My right to have an opinion.  I have been called names like shill, sycophant, idiot, stupid, sock puppet, sellout, traitor, and a host of others including a reference to my "having a new tranny smell".  And in all that time I have never called anybody a name, or denigrated their right to speak on matters of concern.  I have indeed challenged what they have said!

I have had fictitious rumors spread about me in the community about my reasons and logic for backing this bill.  I have had my remarks paraphrased and taken out of context.  I have been attacked by out-of-state noisemakers who have never bothered to actually have a conversation with me.  Nor even attempted to, and when I attempt to have a constructive dialog with them I am told "talk to the hand".  And there seems to be a general notion that I am incapable of thinking for myself.  That if you disagree with me then I am obviously brain washed, or have been "drinking the kool aid".  Remarkable.

So I will close with this.  To my friends who do not agree with me. I am sorry that my position, or presentation of ideas has offended you.  I am disappointed by the tone you have used with respect to what I had hoped would be a dialog based on facts and not emotion and innuendo.  And you may have to forgive me if it is a long time before I can forgive how you have behaved and that we now have a fractured community which is the complete opposite of what is needed to be able to press forward. I do not know how to heal this matter.  And the really sad part is the damage to what I had thought were real friendships.  I have come to reaffirm that it really is tough holding a "band" together.  A lesson I have should have remembered from 30 years ago.