Leadership

I started writing this post over a year ago.  One of the things I noticed about my journey is I seemed to be "attracting" people.  Not attention mind you, people.  I am aware that I have some strong tendencies to organize and execute.  It is probably the skill that has allowed me to have some modest success in business.  What I did not realize is what that skill might mean in the Trans community.

Over year ago I went to the Southern Comfort Conference (Sep 2009), and while there I learned a lot about me and what other people tell me they "see". I chose those words carefully. The reason is I am not sure I see it myself. The reality is I went to SCC for the first time with a mission in mind. (You are all moaning I know, "Oh no, Sharon on a mission, how out of character"). But I was.

This was my third conference of 2009, and yeah, that probably is a lot  in one year but I suspect there are some girls that go to almost all of them. Especially those with idle time and income to boot. Back in January of 2009 I decided I needed to explore who the hell I am. Since my circumstance at the time did not allow me to be 24-7 very often I needed venues for that.  Conferences became my outlet and exploration vehicle.

First came Keystone , in Harrisburg in March of 2009. This forever will be a sweet spot for me. My first debut to a bigger world. And one that was a success. My trip to Wisconsin and Be-All in June of 2009 were so that I might see what a long playing version of that would be like. It was confirming.  SCC was something else entirely. 

First off I went to SCC with a number of girls who are local (DC-Balto). "With" is a strong word, I was there at the same time is better. They, for the most part, drove the 10+ hours to Atlanta, I opted for jet fuel instead. If I make a quick count of folks I knew from back home that knew me it was like 10. Add to that girls I knew from Keystone and Be-All and those who have become cyber-friends and it felt more like 30 girls that I knew on sight and knew me. It was like a sorority meeting (or at least what I might imagine one to be).

But what was different was the messaging I got from both my local friends, and others. This may sound really self serving, and in fact I almost did not post this as I am afraid it will be taken the wrong way. You see one of the things I guess I did, that was not expected, was the whole TransParentDay thing with my friend Erica. This presented me, and Erica in large measure, as a new set of "leaders" in the community. This might seem way naive of me, but I had not even considered such a thing. I was just promoting a good idea. Not trying to lead anything.

None the less, I had things that propagated into my ears at the conference that startled me. Girls whom I had been looking to as my examples were holding me up as one. I did not expect this. How could I, 12 months prior, I did not even own a dress, I had never been in public, my experience in life as a woman had been 30 days as a character in Second Life. And now I find myself in a dress (a pretty one), and speaking to a group in a seminar about a holiday concocted by a friend of mine who was just celebrating something with her kids.

And me, little miss part time, who could not get my world together to transition yet. I realized it had been nine months since being brave enough to walk out that hotel room door. Now I am in the front of the room evangelizing something. With passion. For the rest of us. That would make me nuts I think, or maybe it just means I am doing what I always have done, care too much. And I have brought that with me into my nascent womanhood.

My friends credit me with all sorts of stuff, I hear words like, ringleader, catalyst, glue girl, spokesperson, brave, courageous and if you can believe it "hero". Never mind that that person they were talking about sat in tears not once, not twice, but at least three times that weekend at SCC. Each time, a puddle regarding some mystery of this journey. I am all of those things and none of them at the same time. I am mostly just me.

So did I have the SCC blues upon coming back? Yes indeed. Were they for "me", yeah a little. But they were not about "dressing" or "passing" or "partying" or any of that stuff. They were about "being".  The idea that by coming back and still being "him", I was being weak, not true to myself.  And that made me angry with me.

But there was another thing afoot from the SCC trip.  I asked myself why me?  And after talking to a few friends who where a bit further down this road I got some new perspective.  Of all of us who are trans in some way only a fraction ever do something about it.  Meaning something as simple as ever going out of the house enfemme (enhomme?) even.  Of those a much smaller percentage have the courage and means to make it to a conference.  And of those at a conference a very small set will ever start a transition or make some permanent changes.  And of those that do that only a small percentage will actually fully transition and be somewhat successful in their outcome.  So of all transpeople those who transition successfully represent something less than 1% of everybody who is Trans.  The number might even be lower I do not have any scientific data to support that claim but it seems to me to be true.  Therefore it must be right?

And of that elite 1%, the number that "sticks around", to be visible, or mentors, or advocates, or activists or dare I say "leaders" is a number even smaller.  So when you go to a trans event you will find the same 5 or 6 people who show up, to give talks, or presentations, or keynotes.  So the "leadership" might end up being a fraction of a percent.  And so when they see somebody that has it together (I am not saying I am such a person) the tendency is to latch on, and encourage and promote them to do greater things.  

In January of 2010 I was approached by a good friend to help her moderate the local support group I had been attending.  I agreed to do so, not for me, but for her.  To give her the chance to "bleed" into that room.  She was on the cusp of going full time and she needed the space, and relief.  So far so good on that front.  As near as I can tell folks generally like my moderation style (if they don't somebody please tell me).  But "leader" is not a title I would take with that "honor of service" I have a few times a month to keep the chaos in the room from running a muck.  I should not say that, among support groups I have attended ours historically has been one of the most civil.  So my job is actually quite easy.

What is not easy is the notion that once you put that "suit" on folks make a lot of assumptions about you.  For one they assume that you will be present at any local function that is going on the "community".  Regardless if you had plans to attend or not.  Having your own life seems to be a concept that is missing in the minds of some in our community.  I have teenage kids, I have my own business, I am involved in youth organizations, and I am now "out", and that means me in the mainstream.  Every single weekend night will not be taken up with a Trans-related event.  I am trying to establish me, as a normal, breathing, living human being.

Of course being able to string together a complete sentence with a cogent thought seems to be in demand these days. I guess there is a shortage of that. And so I am now getting the attention of the activists.  Some of that is self induced in that I gave them money this past year.  I figure I was not able to go out and fight for my rights due to being in the closet yet.  So I would do it by proxy.  That said I am somewhat vocal as to what happens with that money, and so I have been interacting with some of the leadership of those organizations.

To date that has manifested itself in requests for my joining their board(s) of directors.  Mind you I have had three offers from three different organizations to date.  I have always noted that nature abhors a vacuum.  So it might just be normal for those outfits to want to suck me in.  Presently I am unsure if I am ready to do that.

And so there lies the rub.  Do I do it?  I am already pressed for time.  I am certain I can contribute, but should I?  And at what price?  I have much ground yet to traverse on my transition road.  Some medical, some social.  I have a lot of things to prove to some people.  Mostly about me "still" being able to carry the water.  How does adding more buckets help?  Or is it more of a case of opportunity knocking.  When it does, shouldn't you at least answer the door?

I am hoping soon that I will understand what calling is being placed on me. I am not sure what the plan is. On the other hand I have seen too many things in my short life that defy explanation. Connections formed from chaos. A simple comment that leads to a person, that leads to a kindred spirit, that leads to a discussion of pain, that leads to a solution of joy, that leads to an kernel of an idea, that leads to a brainstorm that leads to hundreds of pink, white and blue wristbands walking around Atlanta and now presumably thousands across the country.

What do you think?