Backhanded

It has been a month since my FFS.   I would put forward that things are different now.  And then yet, they are completely the same.

A few weeks back I posted about my feelings heading into FFS.  And although I posted shortly after the surgery, there is apparently more to say. 

First off, my surgeon was great and I am happy with the results to date.  So please keep that in mind for the rest of what I am going to say.  

Before the surgery I would get asked lots of questions.  Excited?  Afraid?  And you know I was basically neither.  But I did have a concern that despite the pain, discomfort, time and money "invested" that it would not make a difference in the quality of my life.  And although it has only been a month. The reviews are soundly, mixed. 

A lot of this has to do with which "me" was the person you knew before the surgery.  That kind of falls into a couple bins.

There are my trans friends and/or supporters who did know my prototype version before the FFS

There are some who only knew my former self, and so the new me is different.  Meaning they never really saw the prototype (pre FFS) version.

And then there are folks who have never seen or met me before.

Let's start with my trans friends and supporters.  Now these are probably the most learned group on this subject.  God knows they have scoured the Internet, and conferences, and had personal evaluations and cornered girls about what they did and why.  In some cases they have had FFS already.  I suspect some of them think they know so much they could do the surgery themselves.  And almost all of these folks say things to me like "You are gorgeous!" and "You look great" and "wow".  There could be a lot of reasons they make those statements.  One could be they want to be supportive.   Another is they might be headed to or already did this themselves and are seeking validation from another person.  Kind of a group think if you will.  And of course there is the remote possibility that I actually do look good.  My heart wants to believe the last one, my head says the first one is the real case.

But I contend that these friends are tainted.  Tainted with knowledge, and bias, and desire.  And so even if they are right, I find I have to take it all with a grain of salt.  They mean well, they want me to be happy.  They want the surgery to make a difference in my quality of life.  And they can actually see the before and after differences.

The next group are folks that knew you before but are now getting a load of the new you. Meaning they never met your trueself before, just that old tired person.   I would say their yardstick is "how different does she look vs. what he looked like".  The reactions to date seem to all be pretty positive.  Most folks are taking my female self and finding it just fine.  So I would say that is a good thing in general.  I am sure I will have more to say on this group of folks as the pool will keep expanding as I intersect with more and more folks outside my company in the business world and meet up with old friends.

That leaves the "I have never met you pool".  Not surprisingly, in very large part, the mainstream world takes me to be my trueself.  This was true before the surgery and is even more so after.  Never mind that I am a 200lb 5-12 broad.  That is what they really see, a big broad.  And I have had a lot of confirming experiences since the surgery.  And I suspect there will be more.  But, and there always is a but, there is a crowd that just cannot get on board.

 

And now this is where I will have to draw a line.  You see I have made a discovery.  Or at least a revelation of something I suspected for a long time.  Gay guys do not get transwomen.  Period.  You can talk and explain it to death.  And they will not get it.  This was made very apparent to me this past weekend.  

I figured a month had past since FFS, and it would be time for the "new me" to go out.  Mind you still a little swollen, but not a lot.  A little bruised, but nothing a little foundation could not fix.  So following my support group meeting and dinner I went to a Balmer nightclub.  One where I had been before,, in the gayborhood. The place was packed.  All varieties were there.  I had a couple drinks, did some dancing with some friends, and then after an hour or so I found myself at the bar seeking another libation.  And then it happened.  

This fellow is at the bar and starts a conversation with me by saying. in a rather effeminate tone,  "I want to be you when I grow up".  I figure at first it is a line.  He's obviously had a few more than I have.  I look at him puzzled and answered "Funny thing about that, I wanted to be me when I grew up too."  He says, "You are beautiful".  Ok I am on board...  And then it comes..  "Are you impersonating tonight?".  I stare back so blankly, so vapidly, because I do not even know what he is asking me.  All I can think of is a news story about somebody impersonating a police officer, or a doctor or something.   Or maybe Elvis! But me? Impersonating?  I ponder what he means but in order to help it along he keeps right on going.  "My mom had a friend that was sometimes a woman, and when he was, his personality was totally different.  Is that how it is for you?"   I am floored.  He thinks I am am a female impersonator, a drag queen.  I tell him, "No.  I am this way all the time."

Here is the scary bit.  He had no idea that he had even offended me.  It was like somebody in the 1930's using the N-word to describe the household help, and saying it right in front of them. If you called them on it they would have looked at you like you had the problem.  Religious right, neo-conservatives, fundamentalists?  I would say they have nothing on the LGB lack of understanding about what it means to be "trans".

Needless to say I walked away.  There is no point in engaging with a drunk gay guy.  But the damage for me was done. I got my coat and left my friends on the dance floor.  I went outside and sat on one the benches in the neighborhood. and simmered in the cool November night air.  I did not know what to say.  I had just endured a month of pain and discomfort to make me more than simply passable.  I had spent nearly $30K.  And this guy thinks I am a queen.  I tried to parse what I had done wrong.  Voice, check, hair, check, demeanor, check, makeup, check.  Yeah.  It all screamed suburban housewife (maybe too much so, but whatever).  Was this about me, or about him?  Did I blow it somehow?  Was his "transdar" really good, or my girl really bad?  I do not know.  But regardless, he was tuned in...

A few months before I was at the the local pride fest manning a table.  A friendly gay lad comes over.  He says "I don't get how this is different than drag", "I do drag but I have never wanted to be a woman".  "I don't get it".  I asked him why he does drag.  He said it is fun.  I said, so kind of  a costume for the purpose of entertainment.  He said exactly!  I said good for you.  I said well, for us it is not like that.  It is not a costume.  It is not entertainment.  It is who we are.  He nodded understanding, but in the way a teenager that nods agreement just so you will shut up.  He goes, "Oh, I get it."  And he wandered off.  I am pretty sure he "did not" really get it.

I see queens and drag shows and reviews.  And you know what? So does the rest of the world.  The flamboyant costumes. The hair teased like the fat kid on the playground.  Makeup like you stuck your face in a box of Crayolas.  And I will not even go into the clothes.  So do these folks have a right to do this?  You bet they do.  But there is a problem.  Because when you say "I'm Trans" to somebody, certainly in the gay community, that is the image they get.  Queens in miniskirts and 6 inch heels. Because that is the one that is pressed in public, the one at pride events, or shows, or on TV.  And those people are not trans, many of them are gay, period.  I now know how a Sikh feels when he is called an Arab or Muslim because he sports a turban.

I was at a fundraiser for one of our local activists last fall.  It was an LGBT function.  I met a member of the board of our local LGBT center.  I explained I was trans to him and we had a nice conversation.  Then I told him I was already in the process of transition and would go full time some time in 2010.  We talked about some of my present concerns, legal issues, financial ones etc.  He simply states "Well can't you just wait for a while? I would not do this right now".  He thinks it is a light switch.  Flip it off.  That I should just stand down for a bit.  I ask him, "Can you stop being gay?" I go into a lecture with him about asking him if he is left or right handed.  He says right, I say to him, ok for the next 36 months only use your left hand.  He looks puzzled.  Then he seems to get it, but follows with, I guess I need to know more about you transgender people. (note to self "you people")  I have not seen him since, nor had another conversation with him.  Mind you, and I repeat, he is on the Board of the LGBT center...

In the past 22 months I have been "me" in public on a regular basis, for better or worse.  The only place I have ever been mis-gendered (aside from the occasional phone call, which is less and less each day) has been in the Baltimore Gayborhood and always by a male.  Not in New York, not in Philly, not in Chicago, nor Atlanta.  But here in my hometown apparently familiarity breeds something.  I am unwilling to say contempt.  I think it is more a case of head in the sand.  Gay men think they have the whole guy wearing a dress thing worked out.  That would be a queen.  A transwoman?  You want to do what to your what?  That just does not register.  Then the next bit is, because you are trans, meaning MtF in this case, then you must just be doing this to attract other gay men.  That is nuts.  It is not about who you are attracted to in the least.

It would seem that the the G in LGBT has not a clue about the T.  I would venture to say that most of the rest of the non LGB population gets it more.  It is like the "G" part of the world, got all they needed to know from watching Springer (admittedly a reliable source of news and information, and chair tossing techniques).   I would venture to say the average gay man (note I do not mean all, as I know some who do get it) could not tell you the difference between being a drag queen, a cross dresser, a transvestite, someone genderqueer and a transexual, let alone that they all fall under the umbrella of transgender.  

And so as I sat there looking in a mirror at my new mug, trying to figure out what I did wrong I realized maybe it is not me.  So I have decided to take some action.  I'll be bypassing our local gayborhood for a while.  My dollars will stay in my purse or be spent elsewhere.  At this point in my journey I do not need people pointing out where I have been, or my "pedigree".  I am going to the "real world" now.  I will take my lumps out there.  At least the barbs will not be coming from the "community" that I presumably am a member of when they show up. 

I was about to wrap this up when I found this gem of a video.  Apparently it just does not matter which way you are going., or which populace you have offended L or G.   This was reinforced by another transman friend in a conversation I had today too. Apparently this is one space where both sides of the coin have the same WTF? factor with our LGB friends.

I know this rant will probably not curry favor with some.  And likely outright piss off others.  But if it enlightens just one gay man someplace then I will have done my job.  As to my impersonation skills, it is really hard to impersonate something you already are.