Patience Grasshopper

I will be showing my age (not that it is a secret) with this post. I do not know how many of you will recall this, I saw it as the first run way back in 1972. The scene is a Shaolin Temple. A young boy, Caine, approaches an old blind monk, Master Po, the boy is impetuous but the Master puts him in his place.

Master Po: Close your eyes. What do you hear?
Young Caine: I hear the water, I hear the birds.
Po: Do you hear your own heartbeat?
Caine: No.
Po: Do you hear the grasshopper that is at your feet?
Caine: Old man, how is it that you hear these things?
Po: Young man, how is it that you do not?

From that point on the Master calls the boy "Grasshopper". Many times in later dialogs Caine is impatient with his progress in training, the Master often retorts, "Patience Grasshopper". I need to heed the Master's advice as well.

I am about to enter week four "on the patch". And I can say at least this, the ride goes up and down. I have yet to see the physical complaints that some have, but in my case they have mostly come in my mood. It ranges from elated to dejected. I am not talking about a dysfunctional set of extremes, far from it. To date it has mostly manifest in self doubt, mostly about my appearance. Frustration in some cases about not being further along, making realizations that I am not as far along as I might think I am on any given day and on, some days, down enough to consider bagging the whole exercise. Now I am talking about transition, not life, so everybody relax.

The good news is I am smart enough to know that the chemistry is part of what is making me oscillate like that annoying fan in the corner of the room. Back and forth, back and forth. I am practically a pendulum. You could strap me in a clock and I could power it with some regularity. I am hoping that the effect dampens over time. Note that I have not been so frustrated that I have removed the patch. No it stays. It stays at least until I can see that it does something for me, or against me as the case may be. It might stay for forever (or at least a really long time). I do not know yet.

I need to keep perspective. I only really got started on this path since the beginning of this calendar year. Sure I started the laser on the face last October but that takes no real effort on my part to perform. I keep trying to tell myself "Sharon, you have only been at this for seven months, it takes a while". I know from talking to several other girls that there is a lot of internal pressure to move this along. And in many cases girls go full time well before their "planned" date. I totally get why.

One of the challenges I am finding to be the hardest is the moving between persona's. I know there are some of us who are exactly the same person regardless of their presentation. Congratulations, however I am not one of them. I am very concerned about how comfortable those I am interacting with are perceiving me. And probably to my detriment. My mother noted this this weekend when she saw me. It might partially be the curse of knowledge but she said I know you are less inhibited but there is something about your demeanor that is bothering me. It seems to happen when other people are around. I asked what, but she said that she could not put a finger on it. It was some combination of arrogance and being disingenuous.

I though about that for a long time. Then it hit me, she is talking about me in guy mode. And then I realized that I had lost my "mojo". Meaning my ability to be a guy, at ease with myself, in public. It looked contrived, mom noticed it. And here I thought I was doing a great job passing as a guy. I told her it is the context switch of the persona. It is easy to be Sharon. But everything else is hard. Like a pedal powered helicopter, stop peddling, you fall out of the sky. I told her since I have been spending more and more time as Sharon, my guy impression is having problems.

She asked me, is it hard to go back and forth? What a loaded question, but I guess a natural one if you do not have GID. I said it is getting harder. And the fact that you picked up on me not being quite right means others are going to too, and probably soon.

I had friends laughing at me recently. When I got started I told them I had a five year plan. Ha ha ha ha. Now I currently have a no year plan, I kind of just punted on it for now. Things will happen as soon as they can happen. There will be no numbers mocking me from a calendar. I suddenly remember a cartoon with Ralph Phillips day dreaming about a battle with numbers on a calendar. I liked that one.

But this all begs the question. What am I waiting for? Doh, right, separation, custody case, place to live, come out to partners, employees and customers. But that is not all. Like Grasshopper, I need some more training. I have some trials to pass. I want my hair to be mine (FT with wig does not appeal to me, apologies to those sisters who have no choice, I feel your pain). I would like to get to my real weight, see a little development maybe. Then maybe it will be time to take the plunge. But how long is the right amount of time. Six more months, a year, two? Dunno.

In the meantime that frustration of not being there yet is killing me (not literally like not accepting who I am was). I want to be done, it is like kids in the days before Christmas. The desire to open those packages is almost overwhelming. But I know, and have even advised others, this takes time to do its work. And so I wait, tick, tock, tick, tock. And I hear the Master's voice. "Patience Grasshopper, Patience"