Flying Solo

Years ago I had started lessons flying sailplanes, you know, the ones that do not have an engine. I remember convincing myself that this was the way to learn how to fly. At least there is no engine to "fail" and I figured that if I learned to FLY first and then added the power that would be something that served me well. And if the engine ever did really die, I would have the skills to "put er down" without a mishap. And so I started to log some hours in my book, oh so long ago.

The sad part was that after I was married, and in particular after having kids, my wife "grounded" me. She said it was "too risky". That I had responsibilities now. And so I stopped flying, a few hours short of my solo flight and have never been back in a glider since. Mind you, I wanted too, but I respected her wishes.

I tell that story as it bears on my present situation. No I am not running out to resume my training and get some stick time. I am on a completely difference "solo" excursion. As some of you who know me are aware my marriage in in the crapper, she asked me to go. And as of this very day, I have officially "moved out". Now do not get me wrong, I still have many "things" at the old house, it is just that I have moved out most of the things that are really important to me. All to my new house. And so I suddenly find myself, living alone, or more accurately, apart. And for the first time in over 21 years.

Now that on the surface might be a challenge to some, old habits to kill off if you will. But I am finding it a relief at the moment. One of those things you hear about when you are with somebody else is compromise. You want red, they want blue, you pick blue. You want your broccoli cooked a bit more, they want it al dente, you eat it al dente, you want to get an early start, they want to begin midday, you roll out by noon. Ok, you are getting the idea. I am not complaining really (some are saying yes you are Sharon). Sometimes compromise is a good thing, it tempers your indulgences. But after a while it grates on you, and you either get a blister or a callus. Both are unsightly, one hurts more.

So I find myself today, in my as of yet empty house. My situation with kids is not quite resolved yet. They have yet to meet Sharon in person. Even though they have known me all of their lives. But both have told me that I can be myself with them. Of course the proof will be in the pudding. But for now, I am me when I am at home. And this is a very good thing. I feel free, I can leave my purse on the counter and nobody cares, I can do my wash, clothes of mine of both genders in the same tub. I can go to bed as me, and wake up, as me.

Another freedom I have found is in decorating, or at least planning it. I recently got a new bed, and when my choice of sheets was to be made I picked ones that I liked, instead of ones that were "acceptable". I find myself doing this with many things in my world now. Previously I would only pick the drab or mundane selections. Now I feel free enough to do whatever feels right. It is like reclaiming lost territory. Land I had ceded to a foe. The foe has retreated, and the land is mine again. I can now include feminine in the Venn diagram of things I like. I still have to be careful, as there will likely be unwitting friends and co-workers who may drop by (no pink bedroom, not that I would ever have one). But I am going to have things that I like regardless of my gender. Subtle things. My new desk is glass, and white, it looks like it came from an Apple ad. It has curves like the ones I am trying to establish on my person. Soon we will compliment each other, or so I hope.

Today I am going to see my therapist. I woke up as a woman, got ready as a woman and I will walk right out the front door, as a woman. No concerns, the neighbors do not know me. That lack of familiarity allows me more freedom. To those who may ask at some point I live here with my twin brother, we will see how long he stays with us. I am sure that they will figure it out eventually. My plan is to be in this house for about a year and then move on to something that I will own, and that house I will truly "make mine".

So now for the first time in months, I almost feel a little relief. That things might be ok. I still have a lot of work to do, I need to get settled, things put away, organized etc. My legal/personal/family world is unresolved yet. I need to get that worked out but I suddenly feel like I have a little bit of of control.

So for now, I will climb into the cockpit, signal the tow to go, fly the box, pull the ball and bank away. Ooh feel that bump, lets cut back for it. Nature is about to give us a free ride. It is nice to get a lift now and then.