I Can See Clearly

This past week has been a bit of a roller coaster.

On Monday I had eye surgery. As some call it cataract surgery. This was in my left eye, my right eye had a similar surgery in 2007. The surgery was uneventful, I will spare the squeamish the details. But as of Tuesday I was 20/20 in the "new" eye. And now 20/20 in both eyes for the first time in my life, no more glasses, no more contacts, ever. That is great news, as I can now see everything, including having a much easier time putting my makeup on which I did a very lightweight, Sunday housewife, homebody version today. Now this was no usual Sunday though, as it was the first Sunday in my new home, and the first where my eldest Son was asleep in his own room...

As some of you know, I started moving into my own house two weeks ago. And I have been enjoying some of the freedom that has brung. On Friday, unbeknownst to his mother, my eldest son (15) moved into my new house. This was his choice, he had told me on many occasions that upon my departure from the "marital home" he wished to come with me. And so it was done on Friday.

I can condense his mother's reaction to one word, pissed. So pissed that that very evening she had all the locks on the house changed, for fear that I might abscond with Son #2 (who is 13, 5-9, and nearly 200 lbs). Did I mention that Son #1 is 6-3 and 265lbs? Oh I just did. These are hardly kids that I can "make" do anything. None the less, he is here in my house. And so on Saturday, I proposed that he might meet "me", the real me, Sharon on Sunday.

I asked him how he felt about it beforehand, and he said, he would have no issues with it, and that I should do what makes me comfortable. So this fine day, I got up, got dressed, put my hair on (god I hope the rest grows faster) and a minimal makeup. I was stressed about my outfit, as I wanted to "scream" normal to him. So capri jeans and sandals, white cami and and a nice orange shirt from Coldwater Creek over the top. Can you say Soccer Mom. I can. And this was me.

I tapped on his door but did not go in. I told him to rise, he went back to sleep. So I went to the kitchen and in a Donna Reed-esque frenzy whipped up a batch of blueberry muffins from scratch. The aroma got him out of bed, and I warned him prior to entry to the kitchen that Sharon was home. He came in, blinked his eyes a bit, and said, wait for it. "Not Bad". I told him I had only a touch of makeup on, that I usually wore more, but with the eye thing I was limited. He said it was ok.

Now my Son has Aspbergers. And that means a few things. For one, he is not really good at reading your feelings, and second it means he kind of just tells the truth as he sees it. For example, he might just say, "hey you are fat", instead of "you could stand to lose a few". And so any comment from him would be the unvarnished truth as he sees it. I said, in response to the "not bad", ok what needs fixing? He said, not very much, he suggested I might get some surgery on my face to "soften" my look. Oddly enough that is something I can agree on. And is probably my first date with a surgeon's knife on this journey.

I asked about my voice, he said it was almost perfect. But could use a little more help. I will take that too, I start some local therapy there too in a few weeks, although I have friends that tell me I do not need it, I will let the experts tell me I don't instead. I asked about my look, clothes etc. He said "you look great".

We went about our chores today. We talked about me, my plans, my friends. About full time, I asked him if he knew what that would mean. He said "you would be a girl all the time". I asked how he felt about it. He said fine, he expected to get used to it as he felt upon seeing me today that it was inevitable. We went the rest of the day hanging speakers, putting furniture together, cooking, cleaning and other chores.

While sitting at dinner I ask, "Well you have seen me for a whole day, if you did not know me before what would you think. My son says, "I would think you were a woman", "It works... Surprisingly". He takes me as a woman, and has treated me that way all day and at the same time, I am still "Dad". The dichotomy perplexes even me. And I should be ok with it as I am both a woman, and Dad, at the same time. Confused, well you should try being me...

And so, now peering from my new and improved eye I can start to see a future that works. My wife will not let go and I suspect there will be some kind of legal action against me this week. But I am pretty sure, having your son move in with you, when it is his choice is ok.

In fact we stopped back home on Saturday and my soon-to-be ex spouse tried to make hay with my son on me being Trans. It did not work. I am sure she thinks I have brain washed him. But not only did it not work, it backfired. My son clearly sees that her primary issue is me being Trans, something she denies and yet uses at every turn to further her case. A subject that he thinks is a personal issue for me. And her told her so. And even after those dire warnings from her he was still ok with me, all day today.

We talked more, and he tells me I can be Sharon anytime I want, and that he would be happy to go places with me. I will not try that with him for a while. First I want him to meet my friends, get comfortable with other Transfolk. I expect he will be meeting a lot of them in coming weeks. And he will see a lot more of the real me. He is a remarkable kid, I am truly blessed, not only can now I see 20/20, my son can see me 20/20 too.