12 Hours

So as many of you regular readers may note, I am in the middle of a separation and custody battle. From what I can see we have something akin to the trench warfare and stalemate found in the middle of the first world war. Each side hunkered down, occasionally lobbing shells over the horizon for effect. Waiting for the other guy to stick his head up above the edge of the trench only to hear the report of a rifle some distance away and the whiz, or worse, of a well placed round.

Of course tanks made a difference in ending that situation. But in my case I have chosen to take a WWII tactic and use strategic bombing. Better to keep my enemy at bay by taking away his/her ammunition than just trying to overwhelm with sheer force. And so this is what I have been up to. Taking away the ammo.

I know, you are saying, Sharon you are rambling with metaphors again. Cut it out. Well not so fast. Here is her (my wife's) ammo. I am trans. There it is, it fits in five letters. She is counting on the shock value of that out in the real world. And so I have been taking away that ammo, bit by tiny bit.

If I win my case for custody my kids will of course come live with me. Probably a majority of the time, and it is not unlikely that it could be all the time. In that vein I felt I probably need to tell them about "me" before that happens. And so toward that end I came out to my 15 year old son about a week ago. Now I do not want to brag here, ok so I do want to brag, but what a kid. Not only did he accept this about me on the spot he said he did not care if I transitioned.

This was a pleasant surprise to me. His words were so kind I was basically unprepared for such a positive response. He told me, you need to do what feels right for you. You are my Dad and I will always love you no matter what you do. I posed a question about would he still want to live with me after the separation is settled (or even before). He seemed puzzled by the question. His answer was of course I do! I warned him that the future might hold a lot more visibility of female me. He said he did not care, but hoped I did not look like a guy in a dress. He said that might draw attention at school. I would have to agree. I asked who he wanted to tell about things. He said nobody, that is was my business. The bottom line, he is supportive, loves me still, and wants me to be his primary "parent". I could not have asked for more.

I tell that story with a caution. As time goes on he may or may not change his tune. And I realize this is a real possibility. But it is promising in that he has not changed his opinion of me, at least not that I can tell. A bigger challenge now will be my 13 year old son.

The response from my son bolstered me into action at the next level, removal of more ammunition. I had been scheduled to visit my parents, now in their 70's, but active and together. So last week I went up to see them, a one hour plane flight. There were three tasks at hand, my usual list of chores, which in this case included a new HDTV, going with them to sign their wills, I am executor, and lastly, come out to them. The last one was a maybe, it really depended on how the rest of the week went.

The first two tasks were uneventful, I did my usual magic and now they have state of the art entertainment. The wills are signed. And so I decided Thursday would be coming out day. I was bolstered by the fact that my friend Jude was doing that very thing for hundreds of present and former co-workers on the very same day. I figured if she could do it for that many, I ought to be able to for two, albeit special, people.

7am

And so my day started, rising, showering, getting dressed (boy mode naturally) and sitting down to a breakfast with the two of them. Everybody was in good spirits so I started the dialog after we had cleared the dishes. I will just relay the high points. I explained that I had a secret. And that the secret was the kind that could alter lives forever. And then I told them I was TS, what that meant, what it means to me, and what I may do about it.

The response was surprising at best. First off my Dad came out to me about a secret of his own (Details are personal). And he told me that he understood my pain. And that I could have come to him years ago with this. He said he accepts that this is how I am and he will just have to take some time to get used to it. He asked me for a photo of Sharon, and I gave him one. Hugs and tears were had. We were both free of a burden.

Both my parents were supportive of me, what I am doing, how I am fighting for my family. I asked if they wanted to change the wills, ink yet drying on them. The said, why? I said because of today, my disclosure, they said no. In fact they only wanted to know how a possible gender and name change might effect their wills, something I had already asked counsel about. As long as my name change doc is present there is no issue.

Mom tends to be more clinical, she and I are a lot alike, and now she knows one way we are more alike. She jokes, well I always had wanted a daughter. When I told her my full name was Tracy Sharon she was surprised as Tracy was the girls name she had picked out years ago. She too looked at my photos. I think the photos were important so as they might see something other than "guy in a dress" in their minds. They needed to see I would be ok, accepted in society, or at least accepted by most. It made it real.

3pm

We talked a lot. About things relative to being trans, about what was happening with my marriage, about how being trans would effect my work. I answered any and all questions. After a bit mom came and put her arms around me. She says, I might not like this so much, but I accept it, and I want you to be happy. This is a big thing. Then, to my surprise, she dragged me to her closet where she started making a pile of 2X tops that no longer fit her. Some good stuff too Lands End, JMS, etc. Things I would actually wear. To me this was the first real gesture of acceptance on her part.

4:30pm

We go out for a bite to eat after packing the car with my meager bags. Chinese Buffet, not my favorite but certainly a novelty in the small town they live in. I go along, we talk, there is no uncomfortableness in the conversation. I tell them there is no rush with this. I do ask them to be confidential about it, especially with people in my world that they may know. I know they will not be able to contain it forever.

7pm

They drop me at the airport, hugs abound, love is known to all. I am loved, and it is a good feeling. I stroll the concourse wondering what my future holds. I will see my folks in about two weeks for an outdoor event. We will meet in the middle of PA for a couple days. My oldest son will come with me. I will be there with 3 members of my family who all know, and support me on this journey. This may have been the most significant 12 hours in my life. I feel a burden lift. And I can see that this ammo pile is getting lower. I have taken ownership of the issue, at least with those who matter most to me

Epilogue

I do not know if the good feelings will last. I am hopeful. I have dumped a lot on these people I love. And I know that they are going to need to talk to others, to learn how to cope or adjust. And that will take time. I have no action to prove myself to them, no need to push "me" into their faces. My plan is just to be natural and pace myself. I hope that eventually we all end up in the same place.

Epilogue to the Epilogue

July 20th

I came out to my youngest son, age 13, this night. Again I was amazed at the insight of my children. His words were "I do not care what your color, religion or gender are, it does not matter to me, and you are the person who taught me to think this way." I could not be prouder...