My Second Life

So this is a post that I have had in my head for a long time. And it is not becuase it is a hard one to write it is because unless you have lived what I am about to describe it is hard to imagine how moving it can be. I guess I will start at the beginning.

Now as many of you, who are like me, or know people like me, often cite, we knew there was something amiss when we were little. I would be no exception. And of course when you grow up in the 60's and 70's not only were you in the closet, but it was locked with a towel stuffed under the edge of the door and you swallowed the key for good measure. I remember using a closet as a darkroom once, yeah, with real film and all. And that it was really important to seal it up and let not light in. My trans closet could have been used as a darkroom extrodinare. Of course this is a thing that is just in my head.

Prior to getting married I shared that thing in my head with my wife, as I figured if she was about to be hitched to me for any duration she would have a right to know. And so I did, and she married me anyhow. But despite that disclosure she never was 100% cool with me even looking at anything trans related, god forbid I did something transrelated. And I can trace my present situation directly to a specific event last August 2008. This is the beginning of my acceptance.

I am sitting one day playing "Rockband" on our Xbox360. And both my wife and I are playing songs, I tend to pick the Bass part, big surprise. My wife has this super hot, goth chick, avatar. I think she is the girl she wants to be. And so she is living viacariously. She has been playing it online as of late and I wanted to join in. So she makes a compaint about the online play. She says, when I play with guys, they never let me play lead guitar. I tell her, well, why not form an all girl band. She nods, this seems like a good idea. I figure well then if we are going to play online and I am going to play then I need a female avatar.

So I grab the controller and start making selections. Then I notice. She is staring at me with "the look". It is a look I have seen before. When ever anything relates to what she calls "the drag stuff" comes up. Of course the fact that she calls it that says she does not know what she is talking about. None the less, I turn and look at her. Not happy, no sir. So I stop, and forget about it. Dissapointed, you bet. But that left a taste in my mouth. If she can create an avatar that is a fiction of herself, why cannot I? And then I remembered reading about Second Life (SL), and about how some folks used it as a proving groud for exploring things that in life might normally be taboo. Um, Gee, like being Transsexual.

So a few days later, I loaded it up and went on line in Second Life. Female of course. Naturally I had no idea what I was doing at the time. But within a few days I get my sealegs. I found a nice community, and settled in. Apparently I was a quick study as there were some old timers that claimed I was the fastest "de-noob" they had ever seen. One called me an SL savant. I guess it helps to be a computer engineer with a software background. I am not going to go into a lot of detail on second life, you can google it yourself. And yes you can do just about anything in second life that you can do in the real world, including sex.

So in short order, I had a home, a wardrobe, and friends. And I was living a virtual life as a woman in a virtual world. For me this is indeed what I called a VLT (Virtual Life Test). And of course, I was, and to my knowledge, still am stealth. In fact I took that to a new level by creating a second persona to interact with the transgender community in Second Life.

It is in that world that I met a number of friends, many of whom I have now met in Real Life (RL). So what did I learn in my time in SL? Well that I have a female persona and personality that works with natal and trans women. That I was indeed one of the girls. That I like shopping for pretty clothes and shoes and hair. That I like girl talk. And that other women percieved me as a woman.

The benefit of SL is that you can live a life and never worry about having somebody question your presentation. And that alone is huge if you are scared to dress at home, let alone go out the door. So it gives you a freedom to experiment, and test and see how people react to you. And by all means, It worked. I was having a great time. Too great.

Because of this whole avatar thing I noticed something about myself. I made a parallel to RL. If I am TS, am I putting on a male avatar to interact with the world? I took a long look at that. And suspected the answer was yes. So I started to experiment. I would see if I could turn him off. I wanted to see who the default person was, not this contrived macho type that I showed the world every day. And so I learned to flip the switch. Off he went. And what was left, to my amazement was Sharon. And wholy molly, I was fem. I talked with my hands, moved differently, walked differently, talked differently (I am not talking about female voice mind you, just topics, mannerisms and diction.) Default me, was a girl. And that was kind of a surprise.

Now I am thnking that some of you are saying "Bullshit". And you know what, maybe you are right, but I know this, when he is "off" I am her, and there is no effort, no need to be contrived, I just am. And when I turn him back on, it is work. I have to pay attention to details for fear of being marked, busted, outed. Now mind you I have been crossdressing as a guy for 48 years, so my presentation is pretty good. :) Sorry my idea of a joke. Anyhow, this whole idea, that real me is female was not so much new as it was confirmation. This is me, this is who I am in my natural state. The rest of it, is learned, so that I can get by.

And so SL for me was a catalyst to the realization. So I am thankful that it was there when I needed it. It provided comfort and validation. And most of all a circle of friends that got it. All without fear of exposure or ridicule. And that alone was worth it.

But now things have change for me. Second Life has become just that, second. When I first started coming to RL group a friend of mine suggested, you probably need to drop SL, because your RL is about to become much more interesting. Boy was she right about that. And in fact many of the things I was seeking in SL I now seek in RL. And I am going to have to say, RL trumps SL in a lot of ways. Well for one, it is real! Yeah I know, big surprise.

Today I have backed out of SL for the most part. I go in for the occasional group therapy session or to support friends who run them. Basically as a wing man (hmm what is the female version of a wing man?). SL was important to me, very important. And if you are just getting started I would say it is great therapy for figuring out some of this, just not all. And so thank you SL. You made my acceptance and embracement of being trans possible. You showed me that I was being a phony in RL. And for that I will always be grateful for my Second Life.