When I was a kid my first camera was a Kodak Brownie. It was neat. It took huge 120mm film on real rolls. I learned all my basics on it. Double exposures were common if you forgot to advance the film. Sometimes you went to take the film out and realized you did not wind to the end. Bam, light, film, pictures gone. Exposed. You might have to start again on that photo spree assuming that the subjects were still around.
The second reason it is in my suit is it takes away the possible thunder my wife might have with the court to expose me. I did it myself. It is not hidden from the court.
She came to me after being served and said. Since you decided to out yourself in a public document I am going to tell my family. Boing. I said what? She said you outed yourself, therefore I get to talk about it. I told her putting something in a court document and calling the family are two different things. She apparently does not think so but I got me thinking about how this is all going to happen.
My crystal ball gets really hazy at this point. I can understand her need to talk to others about the situation. Mind you she initiated the separation, not me. But ok, hubby that is trans, I get it, a big deal. And unfortunately, I will be marked as the reason for the demise of the marriage. Never mind that we did not agree on how to raise or discipline kids, stopped being friends, developed independent "interests", and a host of other things. Did I mention her paranoia about money. Oh, I just did. And there are other things that are too sordid for me to put down here. If you know me personally I might be coaxed with a few drinks to talk about it. Yes the marriage was over in the technical sense a while ago. Me being trans, that just makes it really easy for her to find fault in a way that explains it to everybody else. His fault, not mine...
You know I am sure that is going to make her feel better, everybody going, that freak, that bastard, how could he. What a liar. Too bad none of it is the real reason. That would be she stopped trusting me a long time ago. And without trust, you got nothing. And had I done something substantial to break that trust I might agree. But there was no affair, no crime, no abuse, nothing. I just accepted being me and was honest about it. A word to my sisters out there, unless she is your best friend and will love you for you, better to keep your mouth shut. Sorry, but that is my take. I see plenty of couples surviving this, they all have one thing in common, unconditional love and trust for each other.
And so now, that I have taken matters of my children's well being into my own hands the price is going to be I will be outed. Not on my terms. And I guess that is to be expected. So I am at a loss as to what to do. Do I wait until she does it, and then respond. Do I go preemptively and out myself, perhaps where and when I do not need to. Perhaps I am more worried about this than I need to be. Maybe nobody actually cares. Maybe she tells her family and it goes not further, out of public embarrassment. Who knows.
And of course there is what does "out" mean. In my suit it says "transgendered status". There is no explanation of what that means. There is no discussion of plans or agendas or timetables. Nothing. And I guess I always thought that being out would be when transition to full time was imminent. Now I am going to be faced with a lot of people who do not understand this, my wife included, who will talk, and surmise and comment, all without asking me a thing. And I will just go on, being myself, I am not ready to make the leap. Let me restate that, I am ready, the rest of my world is not.
I do know this, something will happen, she is looking for a fight I think, and the only real club she has is me being trans. And I have already shouted, hey she has a club, look out. Personally I never show up at a gunfight with a knife. I think I will take a photo with my Brownie (yeah I still have it) just to make sure I can remember what life was like before exposure.
Do what I ended up doing when it came to tell the kids - do it first, take the weapon away from her. leave her without any weapons to use against you. more later
ReplyDeleteDear Sharon, not knowing both sides of the situation, I dare not conjecture any guesses how this is going to turn out. What I will do, however, is offer a question to you for consideration. What is the very best outcome you can conceive? How would it go if you could wave a magic wand? Give that some thought, and ask yourself what you can do to maximize the potential that it will turn out positively?
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like she is a woman who may be unpredictable, or who you believe to be dangerous in some way. Yet, try not to assume the absolute worst of her. Try not to assume she will sink down and dirty. Try to believe that she could always turn around for the positive. Then conduct yourself in such a way that is most likely to encourage her positive responses.
Don't do anything negative pre-emptively in anticipation of her actions, because that will surely incite negative responses in return. Treat her the way you hope she will treat you.
It sounds like divorce is inevitable, yet for the sake of your children, it is most preferable that it be done on an amicable basis to the extent possible. I truly hope for the sake of you and your family, that this process does not become ugly and damaged beyond all repair.
There may be times when you want to lash out, to hurt this woman for all the pain she has inflicted on you, but yet, there may be one day that you regret acting in anger toward the mother of your children.
Give this some thought, my dear friend.
I sincerely wish you all the best through this difficult process.
Love and light,
Michele
Sharon,
ReplyDeleteI like to believe the best advice starts with, "This is what happened to me, this is what I did and this is the results I got", and the worst advice starts out with " You should..".
I've gone through a divorce and seperation. I could only several years afterwards recognize the emotions going on internally under the surface. If I saw them then, I would most definately have done things different.
First and foremost, my children. I would have sat down with them WITH my wife and addressed what was happening. My behavior seemed perfectly rational at the time, even justified, however hindsight has proven otherwise. While I did not "bad mouth" their mother at the time, I slowly allowed my distain for her come to though in my actions, unknowingly.
If it meant I would be laid bare and prostrate in order to defend my children or shield them from the bitterness between their mother and I, I would. I had no ability to alter her attitudes besides altering my own. Beyond that it was up to chance.
To this day, the restraint I showed then has paid off in that my children see me as the sane and reasonable one.
How far are you willing to go to protect your children? ( I believe I already know the answer.)
Sharon,
ReplyDeleteI don't know the family dynamic between you and your wife, so I can't speak to her or your motivations or past history. What I do know is that there must be some anger behind her attempts. Why else would she "out" you? If she keeps it among her family, no harm no foul, that is her right. It will come out in court in any case I assume. Since it can't be used against you with regards to your kids( you mentioned earlier that your state is better then most in that regard), I wonder what she might be hopping to gain??? Make you squirm maybe? Maybe if you can make the effort to extend the olive branch, hear her out and help her make peace with how her life has changed so rapidly you might reap the rewards. No matter what happens, you two will be forever linked because of your kids....they need a mother and a father who can relate in a positive way with out anger so they can see that relationships are really about give and take, and not a forum for anger.
Michele and Jenna,(with regards to divorce and emotions) are spot on. Whatever you have to do....do it for the kids. They should be the number one priority for both you and your wife. If you two can agree on nothing, I pray you can at least agree on that.
All my best!