Vernacular

So first off let me apologize for not posting in some time. The reasons are many, and I will not go into a lot of them suffice to say that they involved legal counsel and courtrooms.

I note that we transpeople spend a lot of time on learning to blend in (note I did not say "pass"). We focus on appearance first, then things like voice and mannerisms, etcetera. There are some of us that fool everybody most/all of the time. There are others, well, let's just say, not so much. I had taken some pride in the fact that even though I am a large woman the vast majority of places I go I am perceived as just that, large. Mind you I did not say "fat". Of course I could stand to lose some weight (who wouldn't) but my point is I am merely perceived by folks as that tall "broad". You know the must have played roller derby, or womans professional football or something. I have decided I can live with that. I almost never get the dreaded "Sir" in public, and lately even less so on the phone. This is all good stuff. I seem to be blending. Or so I thought.

I recently found myself on an outing with my very close friend "B". "B" who is also trans is now full time and works in an office with lots of other folks (thousands), and by very nature they are of both genders (wow go figure) so she has made friends with some number of natal women. All of whom knew her, or of her before transition. Attending the venue in question was myself and "B" and her friend from work "K". Are we good so far?. And "K" invited her friend "G". Now if it was not clear "K" and "G" are both attractive natal women (ANWs). And so I found myself in a GNO (Google it) with trans and non-trans women. Kind of a first for me. Ok not just kind of. For real a first.

And of course one of my questions of "B" was, what do the "ANWs" know about me? She told me, they know we are both trans. Now this is a big question because it can control the tenor of the conversation that happens when the four of us are chatting. Meaning I do not have to hide, not that I might do that but it also means I do not have to hide for "B" either. And so I came into the situation wide eyed with expectation.

The venue in question is one of those summer time outdoor pavilions for a concert, the sort where folks collect on the lawn, spread blankets and eat eclectic foods and drink wine before going into the pavilion. And thus I found myself on a blanket with 3 other women eating and drinking. As is my habit when meeting new people I prefer to listen more than talk and my dialog is usually in the form of the interrogatory. And so it started.

Of course I foolishly wore a skort to the event. Note to self, when sitting on blanket, trying to look comfy (which it is not) and demure, wear shorts, or jeans next time. And so I had a "how the hell do I sit here" issue. That was my first fail. The second fail was in the conversation. I discovered that my ability to speak English was coming up short. Now that is the funny part. Aside from a 3 year stint of high school German and a smattering of household Spanish, English, or more accurately 'Merican, has been my native tongue since birth. Unfortunately for me I have apparently yet to completely master the female version of the language. And it became quite obvious to me.

Let me be clear. I am not talking about my voice. I have been to therapy for that for a year and got told by the therapy folks. "You have graduated." In fact they in-so-much as told me you are a great example for others. I know. Very heady indeed. They further told me my next stop might be a voice coach or drama teacher. Cool. My voice passes. But this situation was entirely new to me. Here I was looking ok, blending in with hundreds maybe thousands of people and I was stumbling for words. I did not know the protocol.

Let's see if I can provide an analogy. It was was as if I was born in Germany, so my family and heritage is German. Then was plucked to the USA at a young age, grew up and took high school and college German and then for the first time went to Germany for a visit. Although I could understand the German with ease and communicate with them I still have an American accent. That accent will be hard to eradicate. Even if I spend a decade in Germany, it is going to take me some time to remove all traces. Get it now?

So despite my best efforts to speak "female". I will always have traces of a male accent. And my take is that the only cure, or way to improve that, is by full immersion. And there is the rub...

If you are trans, and you work, and you work in an office where there are a reasonable number of accepting co-workers (dare I say supportive) undoubtedly some of them are natal women. And if you are able to through that environment, or other women's groups, or just by luck of association find yourself in the company of natal women regularly then perhaps, just perhaps you get the chance to hone your girl accent.

I made this realization on the eve of my own transition to full time (less than 60 days now) and I find that I am wanting. I want to have more natal female friends and mentors. Do not get me wrong, I have made some awesome female transwomen friends. I love them all dearly. I am saying I need to augment that space with a collection of natal women. And that can be a tall order if you work from home as I do. In fact in my little company of 35 there are only 3 other women. That is not a good pool to plan on. And so now I find I am in a search. A search for venues where women like me (no not trans you dolt) who are in their 40s and 50s, who are in business or professional life, who have interests like mine, are frequenting. And I will tell you the truth, I have no idea where to start.

I suppose there are women's groups around. Book clubs, social clubs, professional organizations. And I would need to penetrate these places but would need to do so as a transwomen first of course. So admission is probably a challenge to start with. Let alone developing friendships, and then those kind of friendships where somebody would feel comfortable enough to tell you "you are doing it wrong". Sounds like a long road.

So my challenge is to learn, or perhaps re-learn, the vernacular of my native tongue. I am unsure as to how to really do it but I suspect like so many other things in life it is something that you simply undertake by actually getting started. Absent that there is usually no forward progress. I know that being full time will be step one. And that is on my radar now, so away I go. And I am hoping I can learn to speak "girl" and it's higher dialect "woman" before the end of my days.