Bawling

This weekend a few new firsts for me. Over the last few months I have met many couples who either knew about and embraced their partner's transness before they got hitched, or they made discovery and have had acceptance and had developed approval for after. So this weekend I went with a pair of the latter to the household of a pair of the former. Confused, don't be, I spent the weekend with two couples where one person in each is trans.

This was because my friends, a couple, have asked me to participate in a future business venture with them. And I am kind of an advisor to what they are planning. Which when it gets off the ground, will be a wonderful thing. I am not going to give away details or plans yet, they are still percolating. So the three of us trekked to the home of another transperson and her partner. And in this case this is a person who has a specific expertise needed for the venture.

Sorry I am not being more explicit, but in reality, too bad, there are too many folks not totally out in the world so I am not going to say who, or where or what. Let's just say there was a business meeting, for planning purposes. And I was in it. Now this is not really a big deal, sort of. I have meetings like this all the time. The big difference was I was "me" during the meeting. And that was really great. The second thing about that. I am a pretty savvy businesswoman. Or so I think... Meaning that for the first time for me, I was doing "work", as a woman. Something I need to get used to. Or at least, do more often.

The second point was on Friday I was at the mediator with the wife. Yes that separation stuff again. Well this time I asserted myself and presented my evidence about why I think I should have primary custody of my kids. This was not a happy day for me. I basically had to tell the mediator, my wife is less fit than me to have the kids, and here is why, and then provide evidence to back it up. Which I did and had. It was not pretty, and I really damaged her, or if I did not do that I certainly damaged our relationship, what was left of it, forever.

To say the least it was not taken well. And I realized at that moment that any hope I had ever have of working this out with her just went down the tubes. She said I went to a new low. Mind you all I did was document something, and it is something that she did not feel was showing her in the best light. Regardless I was doing this in the interest of my kids, and probably to my own detriment. Meaning amicable is better than contentious. And I made this turn that way by doing what I did

So on Saturday when I headed out with my friends to this business meeting and dinner I was in a quandary. Do I press an expensive, lengthy and ugly lawsuit for custody of my kids, or do I gently fade from the picture and write them off as yet one more casualty of my being trans and having tarnished my marriage so badly that my wife does not trust that I have their interests at heart.

The meeting part went well, I surprised myself that I was able to steer the discussion to useful points and create some structure so that there was some resolution to immediate goals. Now mind you I do that pretty often as a guy in my everyday job. It is just that I have never done it as a girl before. And the dynamic is a little different, even if the folks you are meeting with know you are trans, and/or are trans themselves. And it is easy to fall into "guyspeak". But I do not think this happened. What happened for me, or so it seems is that I was able to have a female mannered dialog and presentation of ideas, which as a woman I have discovered, means you have to shut up and listen, even more than you have ever done before.

There is a guy thing that happens when in groups. Each guy has to outdo the last one. Better joke, better story, better experience, etc etc. Basically "my dick is bigger, and shoots a stream that is longer". Women do not do this, however sometimes, transwomen do. And if they do not mind themselves, they come off as guys. I had that discussion briefly with a noted trans physician recently. I asked her as a business woman, how are things different. She said it is much harder to get where you want, or what you want. You have to go about getting it differently than you did before. I think I am starting to get that. There is a feminine way of doing business. There are fewer dictates and demands, you kind of prod, nudge, and influence things to an outcome. I like this idea, and in reality it is not so foriegn to me.

Anyhow we had a great meeting. And then we started the entertainment portion of our visit. Cocktails followed by cooking followed by dinner. I elected to change to a nicer outfit, because I could! Nothing provocative, that is not my style. If I like any of the pix I may post mine. But I was feeling pretty good and had really forgot about my quandary.

During dinner the conversation ebbed and flowed. I mostly listened, which is my habit when in a new group. I soak it up, figure out who people are, what makes them tick. What are their hot buttons, what do they like or oppose. Partly to insure that when I open my mouth what I say is in the proper context but also to insure that what I say does not offend, or irritate my hosts. I have learned over the years there are right times and places for saying things and then not at others. Some would say that is being phony. I would disagree, it is being civil, something we are short of these days.

And then it happened. I was listening to them talk about their relationships. The challenges of being together. How one or the other had to make changes because of the trans "thing". And that they had found a way to make it work. And so on. And I got to thinking, and then the wave came.

I got up from the table before it started and made it to the darkened living room. Where nobody might see me. And I cried. And not just sort of silent, dribble crying. Full on mascara down the cheeks bawling. Mind you not wailing or moaning type, I was mostly quiet, but non the less if you walked into the room, you would know there was a woman in here bawling.

I sat there for a good 15-20 mins. I could hear laughter from the dining room, they were still having a good time. And without me. And that was ok with me, they should, I did not want to be the damper on things. And so I shed more tears. I was crying for "how the hell did I end up here?". For, I just wanted to be myself. For, this is my reward for finally being honest. For, creating a plan and executing it that disparaged the mother of my children. For, realizing that the act I just did might just push away the very people I felt I was trying to save, my kids. For the burden yet I have of coming out, to my kids, my parents, my friends, my business concerns. For taking my whole life and shoving it to the brink and tossing big parts in the crapper. I was crying for all of that, buckets of it.

And then, as I sat there in the dark. Sulking, I noticed somebody was holding my hand. And telling me it was ok to cry. Then another was caressing me saying let it out. And then a third came and took my other hand. All of them telling me that this was a good thing, and I needed to do it. And that I was a good person. And that I was making the best choices, to get me in order so I can help my kids. And slowly I collected myself. My friends were saving me. With love. I felt loved. And in a way that I had not known in some time, if ever. These people knew my true self, and they embraced her. And some of them hardly knew me. And others I have have known for years. And yet they all had the same warmth, and kindness. And I began to feel better.

The tears stopped. They helped me up, and got me moving. And then I was embarrassed. And then one said to me, we came here today to talk about business. But the most important thing was what just happened. And I was taken by that.

I managed to get to the powder room and at least dress up my now drenched face. Touched me up a little, made my primping adjustments and got my "together" face on. I now had to go out and interact with people who had just seen me at my lowest in some time. And when I came out. The mood was light and happy. I got hugs all around. And our hostess embraced me and said, welcome to the journey hon, fear not, it will get better. And you will be fine.