The Light Of Day

I write this on the eve of my "mass" outing which will be on 9/20/2010. By the time you read this the deed will likely be done. I have some mixed emotions about this coming out thing. And is my habit I decided to share them with you all.  And to be truthful this is the Nth version of this post.  The first couple were kind of cynical, you know, snarky.  So they do not emerge. :)

First off let me tell you. I am pooped. And I have not even started the race yet. In the words of Desi, "Let me 'splain".

Coming out is not sometihng that happens all at once. At least in my mind it does not. I have heard tales of folks who send a company wide email at 4:59PM on a Friday afternoon. 

"Dear Coworkers,

On Monday when I come in I will no longer be Ed. I will be Amber. See ya.

Hugs,

Amber"

And then they wonder why they get fired before noon on Monday.

Now I know that most of us do not do that. Did I say most? I should say I hope that most of us do not do that. Alas there are some that do. And then wonder why that whole "I got fired thing" happened to them. Dolts.

In my case this coming out party has been going on for over a year.  And so this now brings us to the present day.  With FFS scheduled for me in October, time is up. And so as of Monday we will sit down most of my coworkers and annouce things. My company is small, about 35 of us, personal, and in many ways extended family.  Some of these folks I have known for 20 or more years.  It is going to be at a minimum a surprise.

Mind you the boat has already been leaky.  I had to tell a number of folks in advance.  Obviously family has known.  The US government has known, my clearance was renewed.  My business partners have known, and I have coordinated with the leadership of various organizations I participate in.  To date all have been personally supportive.  Some not so much professionally.  They are afraid of what "might" happen.  I myself, like making decisions on "knowns", not "mights".  But fear is a strong anti-motivator.  After all it is probably the thing that had my wait so long for this day.

Unlike the model I have seen rolled out by some of my trans peers I do not have an expert coming in to "train" my staff.  The HR department is a single person who manages some paperwork.  And of course, I am the boss.  And in many ways the spiritual leader of my company.  And that leaves me in a special place.  I have to explain myself.  One on one, person by person.  It is our corporate culture.  And so this announcement will be made by one of my partners.  I will not be present.  I have a letter that will be distributed instead.  The why of that is easy.  "My" people will be able to express their concerns and questions on the spot, without fear of offending me, or asking an awkward question.  

In that letter I offer each and every person the chance to talk with me and ask their own direct questions.  This is where the tired bit comes in.  Telling the story over and over can be exhausting.  And I have only done it for a few so far and I am already taxed.  I am not looking forward to coming weeks and repeating things over and over.  I am worried that it will become mechanical.  Like reading a script, without any emotion.  Dry, dull, boring.

In the last few days I got some interesting insights into some reactions.  One coworker told me to keep perspective.  That this was all encompassing to me, but to somebody else it was just another thing going on in their life.  He seems to be worried I am obsessed.  He's right of course, but not for the same reason.  I am obsessed becuase I want it over, not because it is happening.  

Another co-worker whom I have known for years seems to be grieving.  For the loss of the friend he had in me.  The person he would go to a ballgame with and share a beer and brat.  I told him we still could but the image in his head is is now gone.  He was irritated that I had not told him long ago.  That I had made an assumption he could not be trusted or something.  And now he is in mourning for the loss of the freindship with that person. Me, I am a stranger to him, that has "his" memory, and subtle mannerisms.  An altered facsimile.   But I am not "him" anymore.  I am hoping he comes to see that oh so much of me, that he saw before is still here.  But he will have to resolve that on his own.

I indeed was surprised at how quicky he got to this place.  Less than 24 hours after hearing about me.  I guess those stages of grief you hear about are real.  I seemed to have missed them with respect to my old self.  I have had arguments with other transfolk over this notion that the old person is dead, or gone or something.  And I guess my confusion is I never felt that way.  That person I was is right here.  It is me.  I killed off nobody, I merely shed my skin.  

I expect there will be more reactions that are similar.   And others yet to be seen.  Each will be unique.

And so I will find out.  The big disclosure will open my world up 10x what it is now.  And I expect my phone to ring, and have my inbox flooded.  That is probably bad, the expectation that is, because if it does not happen then what?  Expectations, always a difficult thing.  You need them to be motivated.  When and when not met they demotivate.  I think what I need to do is to expect nothing.  And then when something comes revel in it's appearance.  Good or bad.

I commented to a friend last night about the energy I expect to expend these coming weeks, talking, explaining, reflecting, and so on.  And that I was actually starting to look forward to FFS so I could sleep for a week.  Who would have ever thought that surgery would be a vacation.  But I do.

And after that nap, I need to dig a bit deeper and renew my energy further.  I have some folks to show what this is really about.  I have come to the conclusion I was made this way on purpose.  And that I have a purpose (please no Jerk jokes).  And that the sum of my life to date leads me to this exact place and time, and that this is the exact thing I am supposed to be doing.  Wish me luck.  Oh look the sun came up, and with no assistance from me, whaddya know...